Thank you Letter; Taking the Oath of Attorney

     After finally passing this last exam, I had it in my heart to write a thank you letter.  I wrote one letter and sent it to my professors, faculty I knew but had not necessarily taken, administrators, and staff members at my law school to thank them.  The idea is not original.  I got it from a friend of mine who passed before me.  However, I thinks she only wrote to professors and those she liked at that.

     I didn't necessarily like all my professors, but I do appreciate all of their efforts.  My "To" list ended up being about 30-40 names long.  I don't necessarily like putting my business out there, but my desire for privacy was outweighed by my sense of obligation to thank those whom i felt helped me in some way.

    Many people on my list were some with whom I only had brief conversations.  But, many times the fact they let me pick their brains, and sacrificed free time made a strong impression on me.  I take notice of things like that.  Some of you probably assume there is no need to thank professors because if they teach, they are only doing their jobs.  That may be so, but they should still be thanked because: A.) they are not obligated to care, yet most of the time they still do; and B.) they like us are humans, and a little affirmation can go a long way.

    I took the oath of attorney today. 

I didn't feel like waiting until May 2nd to get sworn in with a ton of other faceless bar passers in my county.  I decided to schedule a private ceremony with a local judge.  Your probably thinking "[a]fter waiting 1 1/2 years, you could wait another 3 weeks?" The answer is No. Flip that, and I mean that in the most expletive type way possible.

    Doing private ceremonies for passers with family present was something the judge I clerked for used to do.  What makes this option great is it is more personal while simultaneously maintaining officiousness.  The familes have a chance to come in and feel like a part of the ceremony.  I am certainly not ceremonious, but I knew my family would appreciate this, as this ordeal has been a group effort.  It is all the better if you know the judge.  I didn't know this one, but he was obliging and very amicable.

     This whole thing is surreal.  I am still in a sense of disbelief.  I have become so much more humble then I used to be.  I used to be so proud to be in Law School.  I was so psyched to be taking the bar.  Now, while I appreciate the challenges these endeavors have provided, I just reflect on how these trials have changed me, I think(and pray) for the better. 

     "Nothing is a given."  My failures have cemented this lesson in me.  My failures have made this chance to be a lawyer extremely meaningful.  I will do my best to honor and uphold the profession.  I cannot take it for granted.  How appropriate is it in this lenten season I have figuratively resurrected on the third exam, while dying for the last two?  How is that for symbolism?

Back again. Yay

      What's up world? It's been a while.  I am home after taking the Bar again for the 3rd time.  Hopefully it was the last time.  Taking the bar is expensive business especially in Florida.  There is only one testing site unlike most other states.  So, unless you live near tampa you will have to stay in a hotel and travel to and from Tampa and depending on where you go, it could get costly.

      Well, I don't want to convolute the posts and mix things up.  I have plenty I would like to say, so I will do it in installments.

Merry Christmas! :-)

I am just chiming in to say Merry Christmas.   For my family and I, this is a time we use to reflect on our blessings.  Please, use this time and do the same.  The glass cannot always be half empty.  So focus on your loved ones, those who love you, your friends, etc. . . and remember why you love them and how they have loved you regardless of the failures and faults that exist.  If you don't have any loved ones, well . . . remember why you love yourself and reflect on how you will make yourself better this upcoming year.  Best regards and may G-d bless you all.

Slim fit jeans not such a slim fit; Bodyrocking

       The title says it all. I am a fitness freak.  I love human bodies in all shapes and sizes for their aesthetics, strength, flexibility, and all the incredible feats a human body is capable of.  I love to stay in shape too if possible.  I  had to quit my gym membership at one of the local gyms here because it was way too expensive given my current situation.  To me, it was worth the money but I just could not pay it. 

    Fortunately, I was able to replace it with a cheaper and more affordable one.  Mind you I have had a lay off of about a month or so from working out.  Aside from not having a gym membership I was in a poor mental frame which made it difficult to workout.  However, my slim (not skinny) fit jeans changed my mind.

    I tried on my slim jeans a week or two ago and they fit uncomfortably.  It is a wake up call.  I don't want to be in irredeemable shape (not that such a state exists) before I have to trudge my way back into shape again.  I have been through that cyle a handful of times and it is tough.  However, I refuse to spend hours and hours in the gym again like I previously did.  Don't get me wrong.  I love to workout and I love spending hours in the gym.  However, i would rather use that time to do other things like study. So what am I supposed to do?

Here is the answer:

Meet Frederick and Zuzana light.  They run a website and a vlog called Bodyrock.tv. On this vlog they mainly talk about fitness.  Zuzana is the main subject of the videos and she always demonstrates the workouts and gives fitness insights.  The best part is the workouts are really short.  They are usually anywhere from 4- 30 minutes.  They are full body workouts, and they are super intense.  Along with the workouts, there is a great supportive community (of which I am a new member); Zuzana, Freddie, and other community members offer recipes, inspirational stories, and discussions about travel. 

      So, I have traditionally been a weightlifting and heavy cardio type of guy in the past.  I really aim for the V shape and I have always wanted to be ripped.  But, Zuzana's body says it all:

She has the best physique in terms of fitness I have ever seen for a female.  If she can do that, I am excited to see how far I can get as well.  Most of the workouts require little or no equipment; they are short; they burn tons of fat, they increase strength, and they increase flexibility.  Its a win win, no?

     What does this have to do with the bar exam? Don't forget, working out is good for memory and it helps the brain to function better overall by increase blood flow and circulation to the brain.  I am already seeing results after a week or so of workouts.  Check it out when you guys have a chance.  She does all of her workouts from home.  Her intention is actually to start a home workout movement.  Ironically enough, because of my situation, I do these workouts at my gym.  Go figure.

I want to move

     Of course, it is the most wonderful time of the year, right?  Here in the transient, retirement, and commuter state of Florida, the "snowbirds" are coming back down; traffic is increasing; vacation and seasonal homes are filling up; Commercial services, retailers, and service industries are booming; and natives along with former natives are coming back into town.  Ode to joy.

     I obviously moved back to the town I am from because my family lives here.  I am not necessarily in a position to up and move right now and i am lucky to have a place to stay.  Nonetheless, every year around this time, I always end up running into some "kid" or two I used to know.  I was a semi-popular kid for whatever it's worth.  But at the end of the day, that counts for jackspit.  I don't like to visit the past.  In fact, I like the past right where it is, "in the past!" Better yet, I would love to erase some of the past if that was possible and start from scratch.

     I am a way different person now then I was back then.  I have grown by leaps and bounds.  I LOVE DISCRETION. I like to keep my business in house.  I want to be out of sight, thus out of mind.  I like things to be uneventful, smoothe, and under control.  When things the waves come in, I like to go with the flow for the most part.

    It's always around this time that I run into these people, gossip mongers and people who still think I am 14, and usually pointless conversations ensue.  Conversations always go something like:

• Some kid: Hi (lowly file clerk/J.D.)
• Me: Hey. How are you?
• Some kid: Good. What have you been up to?
• Me: Not much. You know, this and that.
• Some kid: What are you doing now.
• Me: Oh not much of anything. Like I said.
• Some kid: Oh.  Do you still keep in touch with so and so?
• Me: Who? Sorry, I don't remember who that is.
• Some kid: Okay. I'm sure I'll see you around.
• Me: Indeed.

     I am no psychologist, but it doesn't take one to know certain people do not have your back, and those same people don't have your best interest at hand.  You can get a sense from past interactions, they way they look at you, the things they say to you, etc. . .  All jokes aside, these people can be detrimental and dangerous.  Character assasination, when people gossip about you and spread rumors about you can be difficult to recover from. 

     I've never really had to face anything like that, but that is because I keep to myself and I have a very small tight knit circle of friends. True friends are nearly impossible to come by, so when you find them reciprocate the love and keep them.  Let them know you have their backs. Look out for them as you expect them to look out for you.

    The thing about the past and the people in it is many times these people want to chain you to your past. People evolve, almost daily. We develop different tastes. We grow to love and hate. We form and unform different relationships. People are complex evolving organisms always adapting and everchanging. To think you have someone pegged down is often a mistake. People will surprise you. The best expectations are no expectations.  Don't be tied down to your past and the people in it.  Allow yourself the freedom to grow and to be better.

MBE Strategy Dilemma?

     Everything is moving along.  I am a far cry from the whining cry baby who felt so sorry for himself just a few weeks ago.  Reality has galvanized me.  Every day I turn on my computer, I see the days on the countdown timer winding down.   Watching those days disappear is a gutcheck every single time.

     I can't emphasize this enough, but "I am a fighter."  It is one thing if I get beat, but it is another thing if I get beat and don't put up a fight.  Life is a series of beatings, and we are judged by our ability to recover from them.  This includes the beatdown I have twice taken called the bar exam.  It is a necessary adversary and I will do my best to overcome it.

     My confidence is growing as far as my test preparation is concerned.  My adopted strategy of writing out the answers has really helped me to improve my practice percentages and overall recognition, and memorization of the law.  However, the answer writeups are taking much longer than I would like.  As I posted previously, I have adopted a strategy of taking chunks of MBE questions under heightened time constraints (90 seconds instead of 108 seconds per question), reviewing my answers to see where I went wrong or where I got lucky, and writing out the rules to those answers by hand or by typing. 

     I have recently been doing them by hand.  This is great, because I am forced to pay attention to what i am writing thus reading and engraving said rules in my brain. Typing, has a similar effect but it is easier to type something without paying as much attention to it.  But even with typing, familiarity still increases. But for people who type faster then they write, this may save 1/3 or more of your time when doing write ups.   So my dilemma is this: Do I type to cover more questions thus giving me more overall familiarity with questions and question types; or should I sacrifice a little speed for more in depth familiarity with the law and certain question types?

     I read in a successful repeater's blog, it may take 2 to three times as much time to do a writeup review of your answers as it does to take a set number of MBE practice problems.  I have found this to be true.  Couple this with the fact I am now doing MBE questions at a clip of 100 questions.  I gave myself 2 1/2 hours to do the test under a heightened time constraint.  However, it still took about 3 to completely finish.

     The weaker your familiarity is with the subject, the longer your writeup will be.  Although, this is said to get much easier as you grow in familiarity with previous mistakes and start to score more efficiently.  For instance, I did very well in torts in law school and I understand it well.  I did horrible in Contracts.  I was able to finish my torts write up for 100 questions and about 34 misses in about 5-7 hours.  My write up for 100 contracts questions and 33 misses took me nearly 9 hours.  I handwrote both of these.

     This is a matter of bar exam strategy.  As of now, the Florida Board of Bar Examiners allows bar exam takers to pass either the state or MBE portion of the exam and fail the other portion.  If this happens, an applicant can still pass with enough aggregated points from the combined state and MBE scores.  If the applicant does not have enough aggregated points, he or she may retake the exam portion they failed and carry over the score from the portion they passed on the previous examination.

    As for my MBE I was 2-5 questions away from passing on both exams.  I believe this write up strategy will get me over the top and allow me to score the extra points I need to pass.  So, based on my previous MBE scores and my increased knowledge and familiarity, I should pass whether I type or handwrite my MBE practice writeups.  However, I still need to get as many points as I can to try to help me on the state portion.

     I have been much weaker on my state portions in the past most especially on my essay scores.  Most of this has to do with a lack of strategy, lack of practice, and poor practice performance. My newly adopted essay strategy will increase my score.  In fact, it should increase it enough to help me pass.  But, I don't want to take any chances.  I will have to weigh the merits of my MBE strategies and modify accordingly.  I'll have to think this out today and make a move.

Essay study help. I seem to be more kinisthetic than I thought.

     I just wanted to share a quick essay tip I have recently taken to.  Basically, the crux of the tip is writing out the rules in an model essay answer out by hand.  This is a tip my a few friends of mine, one who passed the Florida bar (and New York I think), and another who passed Tennessee.  I have read about similar though modified strategies elsewhere.  My compatriots  read essay questions, read the answers, and wrote the answers by hand.  One of them said they would read the answers and try to issue spot while the other said she did not.

    So, I have incorporated this into my studying.  I will read a question in a timeframe of 15 minutes and I will try to issue spot for 5 minutes and outline if I can within that same 5 minutes.  By writing the essays out a mere two times, I have been able to memorize so much more of the information.  By reading what I write, I have been forced to synthesize the information into my mind.  This tip may just be what I need to put me over the top this time.  This revelation is a much needed boost to my confidence.  Additionally, I will reread the fact pattern with the same time constraints and attempt to formulate the essay outline to be close to the model answer I previously read.

    I tried this techinqe starting out with Business entities.  The reason I began with this topic is because it is first alphabetically in my Bar/bri materials.  For anyone who has taken or studied for Florida, this is not a topic they have tested in the last 12-20 years as an essay topic.  But, you can never be too careful.  This techniqe has helped familiarize myself with possible issues as a pattern begins to emerge if you do enough of them.  Also, the constant reading and subsequent writing of the rules has helped me to remember them much more than anything else I have done concerning my bar studies or law school for that matter.

     In the past when practicing essays,  I would read the information and hold my self to some fictitious honor code where I could not use an outline and where I had to remember what I just read without reference.  Sure, it works, but not as well or as quickly as this new strategy seems to be working (at least in my case).  I think it has a lot to do with my learning style.  Good thing I finally seemed to have figured this out, although it has been 29 years in coming.

    In fact, I might even incorporate this into my MBE studies.  As of the moment, my MBE strategy is to do the problems under heightened time constratints, and to review the answers and explanations by typing them out on a google document.  However, writing takes me longer but it may be more beneficial.  It is something to consider, although it would cost me more time in reviewing if I do this way thus preventing me from being able to do more problems.
 
     Wow, I am really excited.  Maybe you can tell from the rambling I just did in this post.  But, remember this.  When it comes to studying, everyone seems to have a suggestion and they are almost all different.  What works for one person may not work others.  This tip is probably useless for some and great for others.  So, I hope this will help someone as well as myself.  Do what is best and most suited for you. Do whatever it takes to find out what that is.

Do not be your own worst enemy; Petyon Manning's edge

     I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine who just moved back in to town.  One thing led to another then he asked what I needed to do to pass this test. I replied "I need a brain transplant."  I have a tendancy to be pretty self-depricating.  Maybe it is a defense mechanism to avoid the tension of serious issues.  I am getting better in that department though.  The older I grow the more I realize "less is more" when it comes to the quality of words.  Yet, there were sometimes during this dilemma where I have seriously questioned whether or not I even possess average Intelligence.

     Self Defeatism is the worst possible hindrance to achieving any goal.  Nearly everyone has doubts at some point even about themselves.  But if I don't believe in me, who else will? In fact, why should I expect anyone else to believe in me if I don't believe in myself? 

     What if Peyton Manning was in the Locker room thought about how he didn't want to play football and that he wasn't the best? What if he whined about it all day?  What if he complained about how slow he is and how his team is not necessarily the most talented on either side of the ball?  He wouldn't be who he is today?  I am not colts fan, but I acknowledge Mr. Manning as a potential Hall of famer and possibly one of the best ever.

    What sets Manning apart? It's not his arm.  Sure it helps to have a rocket arm like he has. But, at least a dozen or more quarterbacks playing in the NFL have that.  It is not his athleticism.  While he has good foot work, his coordination is not the best or even really good for that matter.  I would venture to say Manning is probably in the bottom third or at least half for athleticism at his position.  The difference is his work ethic, which leads to his self confidence.

   Manning is renowned for his work ethic.  This gives him a mental edge and a competitive toughness.  While I do believe most uber successful athletes probably have some form of OCD, Manning's work ethic is incomparable or so it is said.  It is the stuff of legends.  He believes in himself.  Granted, he may have many advantages (like the wisdom of a hall of fame quarterback father) he was willing to make the most of them. 

     Anyway, my point is that Peyton Manning works hard and he believes in himself (or that is the wide perception).  Most, if not all, successful people believe in themselves.  Sometimes people get lucky and may strike success on accident, but that is rare.  Manning already has enough detractors and adversaries on the field.  He is not willing to  be one himself.

     As applied to this situation, so what if people look down on me?  I haven't really noticed that.  Even if I did notice people looking down on me, I refuse to associate myself with someone like that.  I am a real person with real feelings.  My friends are the same.  I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, but my friends all understand there are ups and downs to life. 

     Like Dan Gilbert said "You got to die before you go to Heaven."  Point to people who haven't gone through adversity in life, and it is almost a sure bet the people you are pointing to will have little or no character.  Suffering breeds character.  Humilliation breeds humility.  That is just the way it is, the way it's always been.

      This whole thing is very draining emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I failed this test all my friends have passed. People are passing at a rate of nearly 80 % on the first try. Sometimes, this makes my heartache; other days it causes me to get super frustrated; and yet other days I just wonder "what's wrong with me?" I can't dwell on this or it will be the death of me (on the inside).



    I am a fighter through and through. I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and attack them head on. I am not helpless. None of us are. I will see this thing out no matter what it takes. I just keep telling myself "I can do this." Why? Because I know I can.  I have come moderately close before, so I know I can do this. So when I start to feel anxiety, depression, or frustration I keep telling myself "I know I can pass."
   
     I have to say my studying has been easier as of late.  I have come to terms with my situation.  I need to stay out of my own way.  I was getting in my own way by focusing on everything that is wrong.  That's usually what so called realists/pessimists call reality.  How far will that take me though? Nowhere.  Even if I had an answer to such a question, I don't suspect it would change much of anything.  Hope will take me much further than doubt ever can.  It might not take me all the way, but it is a start.

Failing the Bar Exam by 40 points then passing

     I came across this post on the studyfor.com bar exam forum.  It is very inspirational.  The initial poster is asking if he/she is an idiot because they failed the bar exam.  The next poster responded by giving an account by another bar taker.  Here it is:

[Post Title by Initial Poster] "I failed my Ohio Bar, am I an idiot?"

Initial Poster: I hear people failing CA bar and NY bar all the time, but I failed Ohio bar exam!!!! what should I do?


Responder: no, you are not


here is a nice failing story I read online by an anonymous

i would like to let everyone know whose failed the bar exam by more than 40 points that it's still possible to pass. let me explain.

i failed the july '06 ohio bar exam by just more than 40 points (see my post, OH! in ohio, on 10/30/06). having failed by so much, and knowing that i would only have 6 weeks to study the second time around, i figured i was doomed. i realized that i had to make dramatic changes to my study approach before tackling the bar again.

i started by telling my employer that i absolutely needed 6 weeks to study. my employer understood, and i then purchased the barbri home-study course along with thousands of blank notecards.

i formed and stuck by a very regimented study plan for those 6 weeks. i would from 7:30-11:30, take a 1.5 hour break for working out and lunch, study from 1-6, take and hour dinner, and then study from 7 to 9. i kept this routine every day (no kidding!) for the entire 6 weeks.

as for the nitty gritty details of studying, i started by making outlines for every subject tested. i only watched dvd lectures for those subjects which i hadn't taken in law school (5 of them) or had bombed royally on the july exam.

after about 1.5 weeks of making outlines, i would do 100 mbe questions each morning and then thoroughly review the ones i missed. in the afternoon, i would make flashcards based off of my outlines and then memorize the law the rest of the day. i repeated this cycle until there were about 2.5 weeks until the exam.

with about 2.5 weeks remaining, i continued with 100 mbe questions in the mornings. in the afternoons, i would do about 6-10 practice essays. in the evening, i would review my flashcards.

i continued this cycle until the weekend prior to the bar, when i then spent 3 days practicing MPTs.

i actually ended up getting sick the night before the bar exam and for the duration of the test. i just powered through the exam, though, motivated by fear, anxiety, whatever.

when the exam was finished, i felt much better than i did in july, but still no certain that i passed. well, just three days ago, i learned that i passed by a whopping 3.5 points! it turns out that i bombed the mbe (a 131) but did well on the written portions.

in hindsight, i feel the most helpful component of my studying was the flashcards. when i was writing the essays, i had the black letter at the tip of fingers and scribbled out everything i knew, even if i didn't know the exact rule the answer was looking for. i just tried to show the examiners that i knew the buzz words, the general concepts, etc.

so, i really want to first say how grateful i am for this blog. i've read it regularly since taking the bar in february, and have found much comfort and reassurance in doing so.

i really think the key to passing the bar is simply putting in the time, staying focused, and keeping a positive attitude. i don't think i need to tell everyone what a giant relief it is to finally have passed this hurdle. know that if you stay focused, persistent, and optimistic, you will pass the bar.

best to everyone!!

     This examinee seems to be referring to scaled points as opposed to raw points. The perseverance is admirable.  This person just attacked their studies with intensity.  This kind of turn around for a self studier is astounding.  I hope this will help someone out, because it has done so for me.

Re-motivated

     I have been suffering from a loss of motivation.  But, I have regained some perspective and motivation. My family believes in me and is supporting me all the way.  I haven't really been able to appreciate it until now.

     My family is pretty large, and one or several of my family member offer me encouraging words everyday. I haven't really been willing to listen. What really made this set in was this car I have and a credit card bill.  I have a car I bought a few months ago and it was in the shop getting repaired. I also had a pretty large credit card bill. 

    My economic situation is to the point where I had to leave the car at the mechanics because I was short on cash.  The credit card bill was also rather mountainous.  My family helped me to handle both of these things.  I didn't deserve it. I didn't ask for. I'm nowhere near perfect. Despite any of that, they love me, believe in me, and support me (even when my self belief was waning).

     I have to make the most of this opportunity.  Yes, the opportunity still exists. I don't want to let them down by giving a porous effort.  I have to fight and If I go down again, that is the only way I will go down. If nothing else, I am a fighter and have been all of my life.  It is the only way I know how to conduct myself.  I owe them some much thanks and gratitude.  To them, I am truly indebted.

5 Stages of Death and the Bar Exam

     How is that for a dramatic title?  I love the show "House: M.D."  The main character, Dr. House, discussed this particular phrase during an episode.  I don't quite recall who or why he was using it.  The phrase is also know as the five stages of grief; the five stages of loss; or the Kübler-Ross model.  It is a pretty well known concept.  What well known thing would be complete without a Wikipedia page? 

     The five stages of death progresses in this order:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining 
4. Depression 
5. Acceptance

     I have been thinking about the five stages of death and how it relates to the bar exam.  I believe I have gone through a similar progression each time I failed the Bar exam and during other times in my life. It is okay to grieve. It is a natural human emotion. By no means do I aspire to a philosophy of Stoicism. I need to process and deal with things properly, instead of hiding them away until they eventually boil over. But that does not mean I seek confrontation.

   Here are some specific examples of how I went through the stages:



Denial?

     I guess the denial came into play when I got the failure letters.  Both times, I quintuple-checked my applicant number to see if it correctly matched the failing results released on the computer.  I was even praying my results on the computer were incorrect, and that somehow I would get a passing grade via mail.

     Anger?
    
     I was mad at was myself.  The first time, I was so mad I wasted time attending all those Bar/bri lectures.  It was poor usage of time for me as learning goes.  Many of my friends felt the same way about the lectures.  The difference is, they had the courage to stop going and they passed.  I beat myself up figuratively for not being smart enough, not pulling all nighters, et cetera. I complained about all the money I spent on hotels, gas, food and the likes.  I didn't mean to complain really. I know some of that is incidental and unavoidable.

    Bargaining? 

     I begged G-d to cut me some slack and to free me from the bondage of Murphy's law.  I am not quite sure he heard that.  I'm still waiting.  In fact, it seems like I've been waiting all my life for that one.

    Depression

     That's easy.  This scenario has turned out to be the Bar Exam version of "Groundhog's day" with Bill Murray.  I have been reading the same books, answering the same problems or types of problems, and going to the same places to study.  I have been having the same conversations about the same subjects.  I have heard the same awkward pleasantries, cliches, and trite phrases from the same sets of people now for the past year now.  The difference is that it is a lot harder to remeber why I am doing this as each day passes.  Motivation is easy lose when life keeps throwing the same right hand upper-cut; breaking the same nose in the same spot; and stabbing the brain with that same exact nose bone.

     Acceptance

    I think I hit acceptance today or at some recent point.  It just comes eventually.  It is that point where you pick yourself up by the "boot straps" so to speak and you prepare yourself to try again.  Even if I don't know what the future holds, I know what my past tells me.  My past tells me I am a fighter and I will not give up with out a fight.
    My mother told me she has never seen me so disappointed over something for such a long period of time.  She is right.  To give you a general idea, I used to be the ever-optimist.  I am usually the one my friends, acquaintances, and peers turn to when they are looking for words of encouragement.  But, I haven't been that person for quite some time now.

     Where did I go wrong?  I never properly grieved. I let the bar exam consume me.  It has changed who I am as of late.  It has stolen the joy from my life, or what semblance of a life I had.  All I do is study, and when I don't study I think about how I should be studying.  I have been fairly depressed for a long time.

     I can't let this thing, this ordeal, control my life.  It isn't worth it to me.  I'll do what I can within reason, but not if it is a cause for me to lose my self.  I have suffered so many doubts and set backs this past couple of months.  I need to stop talking about making a move, and just do it.  This is a far cry from the younger man who would count his blessings every day he got out of bed to attend law classes during the first semester of law school. I don't know if I'll ever be him again, but I at least need to hit a middle ground.  We all have blessings to count, just ask those people in Haiti suffering from an outbreak of Cholera.

Never be afraid to ask for help. Be resourceful.

      I have never considered myself to be a prideful person.  I need help to pass the bar exam, so I am willing to do whatever I must within reason of course.  I contaced an old dean of mine from the Law School I attended. She is a member of the board of bar examiners and an exam guru of sorts. I scanned and emailed her my essays from the first bar exam I failed.

     Those essay are not my finest, so I can't say I was thrilled to e-mail them to her.  But, if it will help then it will be worth any embarassment or criticism I will have to take.  Several of my friends attributed their passing solely to her tutelage. She is a very meticulous and formulaic person who was built for rules, codes and all things academic.  I had her for 3 lectures, so I know first hand.

      Being resourceful is a great attribute.  As a repeater, it may be a great idea to contact old professors, deans, and/or classmates. Several of my classmates, have offered me their updated bar materials at no charge (probably out of pity, but I will still take it).  A Judicial assistant I interned for has offered to help me with essays.  And now, the dean is offering me suggestions as well.  But I never would have known unless I asked.

      I'm not generally in the habit of asking for help.  However, my friend painted the scenario for me in this light.  My law schools has an interest in me passing the exam because it is a reflection on them of a sort (his words, not mine).  As a repeater I certainly have an interest in passing to commence a legal career and to possibly support my law schools as an alumnus.  So it is a win-win for all involved.   I don't want to make the mistake of thinking "nobody cares."  There is help available.  I just have to be willing to seek it and accept it.

Virtue of Failure

     I received a phone call from a relative minutes ago.  He is attempting to get into "Top" schools for an M.B.A.  He has taken the G.R.E. several times and he has competitive scores, but he is seeking to get "surefire" scores, the 90th percentile kind.  He said something interesting.  He needs to do this because this will ensure he is ready for the next couple of years.  I assumed he meant taking the test or receiving the desired test score.

     I curiously replied, "[s]o you think a test will tell you all of that?" My relative responded saying, "[w]ell, not so much the test but the preparation for the test.  If I can do this properly, I will be ready for the next couple of years." I thought about my situation in light of what he said.  This is undoubtedly the most difficult academic endeavor I have had to face.  I have failed miserably. However, if I can get through this, I will be better off for it.  If I don't, I will still be better off either way as long as I can extract the value from my limitations and experiences.

Same old Sob story

     This is a rehash of a comment I made on a blog titled "Amicus Curiae."   The particular entry was appropriately titled, "So you failed the bar exam. . .now what?".  Someone thought my post was well written and interesting.  I'm not sure if it's true.  But just in case, I thought I would repost it here.  It's nothing new. It's just me complaining again, which I refuse to do anymore.  I posted this before I started blogging. Without further ado, here it is:

(Anonymous) wrote:


Sep. 29th, 2010 04:54 pm (UTC)

Two time failee here.

I didn't hate Law school. I didn't go to Law School to make Millions (although I was hoping to be able to eventually pay off my loans). I went because I thought it was the way to hone the "skills" I supposedly had. I enjoyed learning the law and reading cases, with exceptions of course. I did all this stuff: Moot court, mock trial, clerking for a judge, honor council, to build my "skills." (*I am laughing inside and out right now*).

Nonetheless, I only finished in the top half of a tier 4 school. For me, Law School bred alot of heartache, self-doubt, tears, and numbness (not in the sense of complete apathy but in the sense of a coping mechanism). It was a mighty struggle.

I graduated a semester early so that I could get a "head start" on my career and "knock this bar exam out." I took Bar/Bri and went through the motions. I never missed one class and I struggled, but did my best to keep up with the Pace program (which I was not able to, but I really tried). I Isolated myself to give it my all. But before I had done that, I was working on my resume and had recommendations lined up from a Dean, a professor, a judge. (*I'm lauging again*). Needless to say, i failed. I had so convinced myself If I put in the time, things would just fall into place. This seems to be the case, for everybody else. This was not the case for me.

So I took it again. I studied on my own. I did what i could. I had the unfortunate occurrence that completely occupied my time for the week and 1/2 preceding the exam. I didn't really have a choice. Needless, to say I failed a second time.

I "work" unsteadily for a "lawyer." He hired me as an independent contractor to save himself money meaning I am responsible for my own taxes. He is paying me $11 per hour. He lets me work when he feels like it. I don't resent him. This is business. Needless to say if a better offer came up, I would leave without regret. I am a file clerk.

My loans have began to go in to Collections. I live with my Grandparents. I owe $158,000+ in school loans (in addition to another $12,000 plus in credit card debt.

The endless barrage of Cliches from freinds and family has certainly not helped nor made me feel any better (although I would probably be saying the same types of things like "everything happens for a reason" blah blah blah).

As much as I know this is not a direct correlation of my intelligence, how do I avoid not feeling "Dumb"? How can I avoid the Self loathing?

Although I didn't hate lawschool, the best thing about is that it is over with. I didn't really envision this scenario where I would be $180 K in debt with no serious or even decent job.

I feel like "[t]he matrix has got [me]." I'm trapped. I have gone too far to quit. I can't think of any other viable options. But I don't know what my next step is. Is it possible to take back the day you were born?

Although, the bar exam may not indicate what kind of attorney you will be, it relates to the legal profession in the sense that it tests your ability to manage your study time and your exam time. (Not that I am one) but from what I am told, if you want to be a lawyer you will need to manage your time effectively (like most things in life). If nothing else, the bar exam will test this.
People often complain about the unfairness of life. LIFE IS FAIR! It may be cruel at times, but rest assured it is fair. I have been rattling off more expletives in the past 8 days then I have probably in the past 5 years or so of my life. I feel helpless, hopeless, inter alia. I've turned into "that guy" that fails bar exams, the guy everybody shuttered at even thinking about. I feel like ATLAS carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and everytime someone pats me on the back to try to comfort me, they are only making this weight worse.
Had I the foresight to know that this was possible I would never have fought so hard to go to Law School. What do I have to show for my my struggle, my heartache, and my work? Nearly 1/5 of a million dollars in debt. People keeps saying it will be alright, but that is the same thing they said last time and it is not alright.
I want to stop complaining but I feel so devoid of hope. I don't really know how to change my situation. How do I shift my paradigm? How do i break out of my conundrum? Its a catch-22. If I don't take the test I'm a quitter who just threw away 3 (4 1/2) years of my life (or I can chalk it up to a moral victory/failure depending on whose point of view). I can keep taking the test and incurring further debt while i shun off working or finding an alternative career.

Unlike most of you here, and most of the people I went to school with. I am used to failure. I'm not okay with it but i am no stranger to failure. IT IS FAR BETTER TO BE A FAILURE THEN TO BE AFRAID TO TRY OR FAIL!!! For those who do fail at some point, success holds much more value.

I will end my rant with this. I know that something needs to change for me to pass. Its not G-d, its not the test, its not the universe or the stars or whatever else people may attribute their failures to. Change starts with me, and me alone.

Waking up with a fresh perspective

      I actually woke up with the most perspicaciousness I have had in a while.  *****Note: I read that word in the Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Identity, and I've been itching to use it ever since*****  Last night, I read a comment which I had written in response to a post written on a blog titled Amicus Curiae. The entry was titled "So you failed the bar exam . . . now what?"  About 25 + people chimed in with sob stories about their failures, the ensuing stress, the bleakness of job prospects, and the crushing financial burdens.  One poster read my comment (which I'll post next) and compleminted me on my writing.  It almost made me smile, because I rarely heard that in law school. I certainly never heard it from my legal writing professor.

     The young lady then told her story.  It was nightmarish.  The lady graduated from a top school in New York around '99.  Her father was dying around that time.  So after her graduation, she went back to the mid-west to spend time with her father before he passed away.
    
     She went back to New York, took a review course, and studied for the next two months.  However, when the day of exam came she never took it.  She later suffered a miscarriage.  She registered for the next 20 or so exam administrations and most, if not all, of the bar courses one could think of.  Nevertheless, she was never able to physically bring herself to sit for the exam.

    Finally, during one of the '09 administrations, the young lady dug deep and found the courage necessary to take the exam.  She brought herself to the exam center where she sat and awaited the beginning of the exam administration.  Tragically, during the exam she fainted.  She had to be carried out of the exam to be physically examined.  She didn't go back for the next day.  Now, she is registered for the New York bar once more, hoping things will be different, that things will work out for her.

     After reading that, I couldn't help but reflect.  My situation is not worth complaining about.  I can't beat that.  She has so much trauma tied into her taking that exam.  I hope she makes it.  When she does, she will cherish her license more than most people would even be capable of doing.  She will be stronger for it.  I wish her the best.

     Her story made me reflect on how the world does not revolve around me.  I'm not the only one dealing with Bar exam issues.  I should be thankful I am not dying of some terminal illness; my family loves me; my friends love me and accept me for who I am; etc. . . I need to buckle down and fight the fight. I need to be thankful for life.

"How Law Schools Help Turn Weak Students into Failing Bar Candidates"

      This is not an exercise in blame.  I don't blame my law school for any of my failures.  Our pass rate is pretty good, and nearly everyone I know pretty much passed on the first try.  However, I found an article interesting, written by notable Bar Exam coach, Mary Gallagher, J.D., P.hd. Unfortunately, I could relate.

How Law Schools Help Turn Weak Students into Failing Bar Candidates

"Did you study son?"

   Said my so called "employer" or "contractee," Mr. F., in his southern drawl as I informed him of my second bar exam failure. I thought to myself:

   No Mr. F. of course I didn't study.  Instead I just thought it would be tons of fun to shell out thousands of dollars on books, bar exam courses, hotels, and gas; and I just knew it would be so liberating to shut myself in a library and isolate myself from the rest of humanity for months at a time while I read thousands of pages, compiled nearly a thousand flash cards, typed hudreds of words, and did hundreds of problems just so I could drive all the way to Tampa twice to face the humiliating glare of all my friends who know I already failed the exam once and that I am taking it for a second time so I could forego receiving a license all so I could work for you making a low wage, not even as a legal clerk, but as a file clerk where I make the world a better place everyday by filing, faxing, copying, entering data, destapling, re-stapling, answering phones, stripping files, throwing out garbage, turning on sprinklers, shredding documents, etc. . .  only to be crushed by a skyward amount of student loan debt and an inability to find real work all while I study to take the Bar exam for A THIRD TIME."

    "Of course I studied dipstick."  I shouldn't really be offended.  This is not his problem nor his fault.  While he certainly is not a part of the solution, he is not the problem either.  I must say I think the question is dumb.  I'm sure it happens here and there where people fail because they don't study. I do not nor will I ever operate that way.  But I guess I understand his thinking.  All of my friends put the work in, and they passed. This is usually what happens about 80% of the time according to the pass rate.

     None of my peers asked me that question.  I am hardly one to pat myself on the back, but they know me.  They've seen the kind of time I will put towards my studies.  We've done the all nighters together or the consecutive months of preparing for competitions while foregoing weekends, sleep, and food.  I may not have had the most effective method, nor have I ever claimed to be some brilliant legal mind, but I am not one who lacks in effort.

    I highly doubt Mr. F. thought about what he was saying.  When he is not in his officious capacity, he appears to me to be a "gunslinger."  He shoots from the hip, or off at the mouth.  While I can't necessarily say I am enjoying working for him, I appreciate the way he handles clients.  Though he is a PI attorney and money is always an issue, he is not the typical "ambulance chaser."  I don't know if he is a good guy.  I don't know him well enough to vouch for him like that.  But, I haven't really seen anything to indicate the contrary.  But I can tell you, I don't plan to have any further Bar Exam conversations with him.

Method Acting: Becoming a successful Exam taker

     Had I a choice to do things over again, I would have been (and still may become) a thespian.  I have developed a tremendous love for most things artistic.  I play the guitar, dabble (very rarely) in the piano, and sing.  I used to write poetry (and plan to get back into that someday).  I enjoy going to art museums although I am not well versed in works of art or their creators per se.  I enjoy watching live performances of all kinds from theater to music to comedy, etc. . .
   I have been trying to clear my mind of the disappointments which have led to my current situatioin.  I am becoming a "masterful test taker."  In reality, I am doing my best to method act.  In fact, "I am a master test taker."  I have been envisioning myself as a successful test taker, imagining the feelings that accompany the success I am striving for. 

     This means I must change. I have to change my posture, my thought process (most especially), my feelings about exams (and this one in particular).  I have to work on my exam strategy and my time management for each problem.  I am attempting to create a literal vision and expectancy.  When I say literal, I mean I oft close my eyes and see myself as a licensed working attorney.

   It is one thing to fail, but it is entirely a different thing to be a self defeatest.  If you do not believe in yourself, you will rarely (if ever) succeed.  "He who says he can and he who says he cannot are both usually right." -Confucius-  Life will supply all the haters, detractors, pessimists, and salt shakers you can deal with for any given endeavor.  Why add yourself to the mix? In fact if your family and freinds fall into these categories then you may want to create as much distance as you can manage (emotionally and/or spatially if necessary).

     I have never been a good test taker in the past, nor have I ever been particularly organized.  I have never properly learned test taking strategies (save for my LSAT course during which I did not adequately apply myself.  The transformation I seek is not easy, but it is necessary.  I am attempting to transform myself like a chameleon for purposes of this exam.  I tried schedules in the past.  For instance, I made myself a study schedule first year.  However, the schedule set a limit to the amount of time I was going to study.  In contrast, I got sucked into studying until all hours of the morning and I ignored the schedule.  This time will have to be different.  This will be a little more goal oriented.

     Anyway, here is what I have been doing for the past couple of days.  I just compiled a study guide.  While I am eager to study, I knew if I didn't have an exact study plan, I would FAIL AGAIN.  So I took tones of time to make one.  I still have some things to modify, but it is near 85% completion.  Here is what I did:

     First, I installed a countdown timer as per a blog post by "Frustrated Bar Examinee" in order to countdown the days to the exam.  Next, I compiled a daily study schedule.  I included order of topics and the number of problems  and review I intend to do for each day.  I also include slots to record the accomplishments for that day as well as a slot to keep track of percentages and difficulty level of the problems.  Furthermore, I did a stastical breakdown of the frequency and format of topics on the State portion of the exam.  In my Bar/bri materials from Winter '10 (which really was just the stuff from the previous Spring because they did not change them) They listed the topics from Winter '99 until Spring of '09.  I added the latest two administrations and went further.  I broke down the topic frequency by percentage, and I ranked topics from highest to lowest % of appearances amongst the essays given.

     Furthermore, I analyzed the frequency of combinanation essays.  I counted how many essays there were from July '03 to July '10 and noted what percentage of those were comination essay. Then, I analyzed the frequency of topics among the comination essays enumerating them from lowest to highest by percentage. This will help me to prioritize what I will need to study.

     I will need to focus every fiber of my being into becoming this person I need to be.  I know I am capable.  I will need to bring myself to new heights.  Since I will be typing I am thinking of attributing a few minutes a day towards typing faster and more accurately.  I am not a slow typer, but the faster and more accurate I can become, the better off I will be on the essay portions of the exam.  I also found an old handout from one of the deans of my old Law School.  The workshop had to do with strategies on essays and multiple choice.  I will read this probably once a day from here on out.  I will absorb her strategies in order to meet this goal. 

     I beleive this can work if I do it right.  I  will become what i must in order to survive and overcome this ordeal.

Humility and Law School Purgatory

    I woke up today resolved not to whine and complain about failing the bar.  I feel alone, but I know I am not the only one going through this.  Even if I was, there are cetainly people going through worse ordeals. 

     For instance, I have an older cousin staying with us from Haiti.  That country is the poorest in the western hemisphere.  This past January, Haiti underwent severe Earthquakes and aftershocks.  My cousin lost her home.  Her job gave her an apartment.  She lost it from aftershocks.  Her husband is cheating on her and treats her like crap.  However, she has nowhere else to go, so she is desperately trying to work it out with him.

    I thought I used to have a lot of faith in G-d.  Maybe I never did.  I don't know anymore.  It is easy to think you have faith when things are going well.  But when things are hard, this is when faith is needed the most.  I used to be very optimistic and I still am when it comes to certain things (the bar exam not being one of them).  But for the life of me, I can't figure out why I keep failing this test. 

     There is supposed to be a "lesson" in everything.  It is written that "Humility comes before honor."  As a theological virtue, humility is the knowledge that all goodness eminates from G-d.  The polar opposite of humility is Pride.  Basically, pride is believing that you have personal control of any given situation.  Humility kills pride.  The way people grow in humility is embarassment and humiliation.  This has been the story of my life.

     I don't have major accomplishments to boast about, nor do I have priceless possessions, or any of the sort.  I have neve truly excelled at anything.  I don't have any awards or supergifts or talents to puff my head up.  I have never been accused of having movie star/model looks.  Anyway, I could go on, but I don't want to blog all day.  All this aside, I have grown in humility and maturity as a result of failing this G-d forsaken exam twice now.  I have been doing rather crappy on standardized tests for a majority of my life.  The difference is, now I care. I understand poor exam results reflect on me academically and professionally.
However, I am constantly humbled in other ways. I am humbled when I look at my "job," my bank account, my grades, my lack of achievment, my age, when I read the news, etc. . . .

     I regret choosing this career path.  Maybe I was dishonest with myself.  I though I could do it and/or that G-d would help me out.  However, I think the evidence speaks for itself.  I was outmatched in Law School from the get go.  Those kids were Richer, more read, some were tremendously smarter, and they had a lot more resources available.  I can probably say I worked as hard or harder than any of them, at least as for that first semester.  I was competing with people that graduated Magna Cum Laude, Summa Cum laude, and cum laude in undergrad.  I was competing with people that killed the LSAT (on which I flopped).  These people had lawyers as parents, and family members.  They understood the big picture and didn't get trapped in all the Red herrings. 

     The successful students worked smart.  At the time, this was a non existent concept.  All I knew was hardwork.  I assumed hardwork and smart work were one in the same.  Well you know what they say about assumptions.  They were right.  I made a complete ass out of myself.
   
     I refused to use supplements first year because professors said everything you needed was in the casebook.  I religiously reread, I spent hours breifing, and going to extra sessions.  after that first semester I ended up in the top 3rd and was so disheartened by all the work I put in for such a minimal payout.  I never recovered from that.  I eventually finished in the top half only.  I struggled and I worked.  That is why when people ask me what is the best thing about law school, without fail I will answer "It is over with."  I fell victim to lies.  But for me it still lives. 

     Studying for the bar exam is law school purgatory.  I don't have anything to show for the past 4 years.  I hate when people ask me if I studied.  They can all buzz off for all I care.  I've been busting my tail.  The quality of my study has obviously been lacking.

     I am a fighter if nothing else.  I would rather swim than sink.  I am dying inside each day I face the burden of passing this test.  It is a slow and painful death.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm tired, frustrated, afraid, and hopeless.  I don't know how to change or where to find answers.  I wish I could move on to the next lesson.

     So this brings me back to the point of this post.  I do not presume to know what G-d cares or doesn't care about, at least I am not supposed to.  I know some serious skuzz buckets who passed this exam on the first try.  I never pretend that I am a good guy.  I am a person who struggles to do the right thing day in and day out. Sometimes I get it right. Other days I miss completely miss the mark.  But, I don't think that is what it is about. 

     I just don't know why G-d has chosen to afflict me so.  I will have to give it serious thought.  I don't want this to be the rest of my life.  There has to be more to it than this, otherwise why live?  This is not living. It's dying.

It could be worse

     I've been complaining to myself incessantly and cussing up a storm as of late as I mentioned previously. I can't blame anyone but me. Nonetheless, I am less than appreciative of the circumstances and I am not sure how to turn this into a positive or to look at it from a different perspective. But I was looking up something about positive affirmations on Youtube and I came across this guy, Nick Vujicic.  I've seen him before on T.V. Needless to say, this kind of thing will make anybody think twice about their situation. I could learn a thing or two from this guy.



Nick Vujicic 01/13 中文字幕 (life without limbs) 沒有四肢 力克