Bar Exam Study Recap: What worked + What did not, part 1: Materials

     It is evening in these parts.  I feel sort of relaxed. I never really pictured the day I would get to write this particular post.  I've seen this type of post on similarly themed blogs and websites.  I think it is a good idea.  I'll try to be specific.  But remember, you have to have the testicular fortitude and common sense to find and apply what is useful for you while disregarding what won't work for you.

What worked for me?

• A quick summation:

     First, I read the Bar/bri Conviser outline one subject at a time (two on occasion if they were short enough), and I reread any particularly troublesome section.  Secondly, (and I think most importantly) i did numerous MBE questions (only about 1100 though) and essays, therafter, immediately reviewing the answers; after doing each question, I looked up the answer. If I missed the essay or multiple choice question, I wrote out the explanation (but, were I to do it over I would save time and just write out the rule). 

     Finally, I took about 3 weeks to memorize long, hard complicated, rule statements for the MBE and essays.  I was fortunate enough to recieve outlines from friends specifically structued for memorizing essay rules (but if you don't have this, read and write out the rules in the model answers and do what you must to memorize them verbatim).  Also, I found, what I assume to be the best MBE outlines I've ever read at this link.

• Materials

•      Bar/Bri MBE Outlines & Questions, State Outlines & Questions.

     As far as materials go, I used Bar/bri outlines books for State and MBE portions as well as the questions as my main substantive sources.  The main reason I used them was because I signed up for Bar/bri blindly as an incoming 1L.  Had I known what I know now, I would have bought the books and skipped the classes.  I will explain why later.

    Basically, the Bar/bri materials include 2 primer books for the MBE (which are optional); two, long detailed outlines, one for state subjects and the other for MBE subjects; a condensed outline book called, the conviser outline, for State and MBE subjects; two books with Essay questions/answers, state multiple choice questions/answers; 2 books with Multiple Choice MBE questions/answers; Finally, Bar/bri lectures usually come with a lecture packet (though not always).  Keep in mind, Bar/bri materials differ in format from state to state depending on the exam format.  Also, I didn't use all of these materials.

   Specifically, I was used the conviser outline, all of the State Essay questions and answers books, state subject multiple choice questions and answers, I used the lecture packets (specifically for State specific distinctions), as well as MBE questions and answers.  I did away with the primer books and the long outlines.  The primer books were not necessary and the long outlines are a prime example of information overload.

     However, here is the Caveat:  Bar/bri lectures, in my experience, were a fantastically inefficient use of my time; but the materials are fantastic for pointing out frequently tested State-M.B.E. distinctions.  These are super important.  If you choose to buy the outlines on the internet, see if you can purchase the lecture packets as well.  Alternatively, seek a friend who has taken the course and see if they can e-mail or share the distinctions with you. 

     In the past, I would read the materials and pay particular attention.  I focused hard and read for many hours.  DON'T DO THIS unless, you are Rain man or Kim Peek. In the case you are either one of these people or similarly situated, you should be in Vegas or Atlantic City.

     This time, I read the sections to see if I understood the gist. If I didn't, I reread sections that were difficult once more.  Immediately after, I did problems.  This was the extend of my use of the Conviser.  I would refer to it very briefly only on occasions where I read an answer explanation which did not seem clear.

    In my experience, solely reading outlines was passive learning.  PASSIVE IS A DIRTY WORD!!! It has a minimal value. I learned the rules much better by doing the problems with immediate review.  This helped me to put the rules in context.  This method of doing the problems and writing the rules was more active forcing my mind to wrestle with the rule, its applications, exceptions, nuances, etc. . .

    This was not the first time I did this many problems. I did way more the first time I took this exam.  But, I never absorbed the reasoning behind the answer.  You cannot forget something you never learned.  Although, in my previous attempt I did look at the explanations, it was all too brief.  Thus, I did not have the connaisance necessary to apply what I read.

• PMBR: Red book and Green book of MBE Questions and explanations

     I used these the same way I used the Bar/Bri questions.  In fact, since PMBR has a reputation for making better questions, I made sure to do most of the questions from there materials.  I'd say about 900-100 of my 1100 + questions came from PMBR sources.

• MBE Outlines: (Please refer to the link I pasted above)

    These outlines might just be the Bar exam student's equivalent to Manna from the Heavens.  I owe the author a drink if he ever comes to Florida.  Anyhow, I would use these outlines to review after doing questions especially where I was weak in a subject.  Also, towards the end, I used these to memrize for the MBE.  They are fairly short, clearly worded, and make for a great supplement or even an MBE foundation.  In my opinion, this guy had exactly what was necessary, discarded what was not, and tailored the outlines for MBE topics in order of importance.

• Miscellaneous

     Here is some other stuff I used though sparingly: "Black's Law dictionary"; PMBR Lectures; hand made flash cards (but the value for me in these was in writing them); and flashcardexchange.com.

     I discovered it later (way too late in fact).  But, I found pre-made state specific flashcards, MBE flashcards, Bar Exam Mnemonic flashcards; if you have an account you can save others' flashcards, you can edit flashcards, or you can make your own.  You can access these flashcards at any time if you have internet access.  I also created a Google document (on Google documents) to write my rule statements.  I waivered back and forth between it and writing pads ultimately typing when I was running out of time.

     That is it.  I'll break this up and comment about what worked and what didn't work in my next post.

I refuse to be pathetic any longer. The countdown is on.

      I've never had this problem before.  I am usually like a basketball because I "bounce" right back from dissapointments. I don't know why this has been so hard.  I have been through way more difficult situations  life.  Famlily deaths, poverty, family divorces, rejections, betrayals, embarassment, scores of faiulres, discrimination, heartache multiple times over, etc. . . In the grand scheme of things, this pales in comparison.  But this one has felt like the most devastating for some reason and I really don't know why.

      Over the past couple of months I have gone from moping, to complaining, to whining, to battling depression, to being anxious, to being fearful, to feeling scared, to feeling overwhelmed, to feeling helpless, to feeling despaired, to feeling angry, so on and so forth.  I can't live like this.  This is not life.  This is death of my mind, body, and spirit.  I barely recognize who I am anymore. 

     I stopped working out, I was eating junk, and I was watching tons of T.V. instead of reading.  I stopped going out.  I have been avoiding hanging out or even talking to friends for that matter.  This scenario has robbed me of my personality.  I seem to have lost my clarity, purpose, and determination.  I lost my feistiness, my willingness to battle against all odds.  I can't even recognize my conversations anymore.  I used to be so positive, but now I don't even recognize my own words or lack thereof.  My thoughtlife has taken a negative turn with the focus being me and this exam.  That is plain self centered and egotistical.

      This is flipping pathetic.  I refuse to be like this any more.  It has to change.  I can't take the bar exam like this.  I would be better off not even going because I would have already flunked myself with that mindframe.  I have to fight.  I refuse to go out like this.  G-d forbid I am not capable.  If that is the case then the situation will work itself out.  But even so, I have to go out fighting.

      I have to take a stand now.  Time is short and it waits for no man.  I've got give this thing a push for my sanity's sake, for my family's sake.   Far worse off would I be if I gave this thing a minimalist effort. 

      In the time I have left,  I vow to make every effort to work towards my goal for each remaining day I have.  The fact I have put it in writing will make it binding.  I have less than 3 months to do this.  I must hit the proverbial "gas pedal."  My effort is all I control at this point.

Do not be your own worst enemy; Petyon Manning's edge

     I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine who just moved back in to town.  One thing led to another then he asked what I needed to do to pass this test. I replied "I need a brain transplant."  I have a tendancy to be pretty self-depricating.  Maybe it is a defense mechanism to avoid the tension of serious issues.  I am getting better in that department though.  The older I grow the more I realize "less is more" when it comes to the quality of words.  Yet, there were sometimes during this dilemma where I have seriously questioned whether or not I even possess average Intelligence.

     Self Defeatism is the worst possible hindrance to achieving any goal.  Nearly everyone has doubts at some point even about themselves.  But if I don't believe in me, who else will? In fact, why should I expect anyone else to believe in me if I don't believe in myself? 

     What if Peyton Manning was in the Locker room thought about how he didn't want to play football and that he wasn't the best? What if he whined about it all day?  What if he complained about how slow he is and how his team is not necessarily the most talented on either side of the ball?  He wouldn't be who he is today?  I am not colts fan, but I acknowledge Mr. Manning as a potential Hall of famer and possibly one of the best ever.

    What sets Manning apart? It's not his arm.  Sure it helps to have a rocket arm like he has. But, at least a dozen or more quarterbacks playing in the NFL have that.  It is not his athleticism.  While he has good foot work, his coordination is not the best or even really good for that matter.  I would venture to say Manning is probably in the bottom third or at least half for athleticism at his position.  The difference is his work ethic, which leads to his self confidence.

   Manning is renowned for his work ethic.  This gives him a mental edge and a competitive toughness.  While I do believe most uber successful athletes probably have some form of OCD, Manning's work ethic is incomparable or so it is said.  It is the stuff of legends.  He believes in himself.  Granted, he may have many advantages (like the wisdom of a hall of fame quarterback father) he was willing to make the most of them. 

     Anyway, my point is that Peyton Manning works hard and he believes in himself (or that is the wide perception).  Most, if not all, successful people believe in themselves.  Sometimes people get lucky and may strike success on accident, but that is rare.  Manning already has enough detractors and adversaries on the field.  He is not willing to  be one himself.

     As applied to this situation, so what if people look down on me?  I haven't really noticed that.  Even if I did notice people looking down on me, I refuse to associate myself with someone like that.  I am a real person with real feelings.  My friends are the same.  I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, but my friends all understand there are ups and downs to life. 

     Like Dan Gilbert said "You got to die before you go to Heaven."  Point to people who haven't gone through adversity in life, and it is almost a sure bet the people you are pointing to will have little or no character.  Suffering breeds character.  Humilliation breeds humility.  That is just the way it is, the way it's always been.

      This whole thing is very draining emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I failed this test all my friends have passed. People are passing at a rate of nearly 80 % on the first try. Sometimes, this makes my heartache; other days it causes me to get super frustrated; and yet other days I just wonder "what's wrong with me?" I can't dwell on this or it will be the death of me (on the inside).



    I am a fighter through and through. I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and attack them head on. I am not helpless. None of us are. I will see this thing out no matter what it takes. I just keep telling myself "I can do this." Why? Because I know I can.  I have come moderately close before, so I know I can do this. So when I start to feel anxiety, depression, or frustration I keep telling myself "I know I can pass."
   
     I have to say my studying has been easier as of late.  I have come to terms with my situation.  I need to stay out of my own way.  I was getting in my own way by focusing on everything that is wrong.  That's usually what so called realists/pessimists call reality.  How far will that take me though? Nowhere.  Even if I had an answer to such a question, I don't suspect it would change much of anything.  Hope will take me much further than doubt ever can.  It might not take me all the way, but it is a start.

5 Stages of Death and the Bar Exam

     How is that for a dramatic title?  I love the show "House: M.D."  The main character, Dr. House, discussed this particular phrase during an episode.  I don't quite recall who or why he was using it.  The phrase is also know as the five stages of grief; the five stages of loss; or the Kübler-Ross model.  It is a pretty well known concept.  What well known thing would be complete without a Wikipedia page? 

     The five stages of death progresses in this order:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining 
4. Depression 
5. Acceptance

     I have been thinking about the five stages of death and how it relates to the bar exam.  I believe I have gone through a similar progression each time I failed the Bar exam and during other times in my life. It is okay to grieve. It is a natural human emotion. By no means do I aspire to a philosophy of Stoicism. I need to process and deal with things properly, instead of hiding them away until they eventually boil over. But that does not mean I seek confrontation.

   Here are some specific examples of how I went through the stages:



Denial?

     I guess the denial came into play when I got the failure letters.  Both times, I quintuple-checked my applicant number to see if it correctly matched the failing results released on the computer.  I was even praying my results on the computer were incorrect, and that somehow I would get a passing grade via mail.

     Anger?
    
     I was mad at was myself.  The first time, I was so mad I wasted time attending all those Bar/bri lectures.  It was poor usage of time for me as learning goes.  Many of my friends felt the same way about the lectures.  The difference is, they had the courage to stop going and they passed.  I beat myself up figuratively for not being smart enough, not pulling all nighters, et cetera. I complained about all the money I spent on hotels, gas, food and the likes.  I didn't mean to complain really. I know some of that is incidental and unavoidable.

    Bargaining? 

     I begged G-d to cut me some slack and to free me from the bondage of Murphy's law.  I am not quite sure he heard that.  I'm still waiting.  In fact, it seems like I've been waiting all my life for that one.

    Depression

     That's easy.  This scenario has turned out to be the Bar Exam version of "Groundhog's day" with Bill Murray.  I have been reading the same books, answering the same problems or types of problems, and going to the same places to study.  I have been having the same conversations about the same subjects.  I have heard the same awkward pleasantries, cliches, and trite phrases from the same sets of people now for the past year now.  The difference is that it is a lot harder to remeber why I am doing this as each day passes.  Motivation is easy lose when life keeps throwing the same right hand upper-cut; breaking the same nose in the same spot; and stabbing the brain with that same exact nose bone.

     Acceptance

    I think I hit acceptance today or at some recent point.  It just comes eventually.  It is that point where you pick yourself up by the "boot straps" so to speak and you prepare yourself to try again.  Even if I don't know what the future holds, I know what my past tells me.  My past tells me I am a fighter and I will not give up with out a fight.
    My mother told me she has never seen me so disappointed over something for such a long period of time.  She is right.  To give you a general idea, I used to be the ever-optimist.  I am usually the one my friends, acquaintances, and peers turn to when they are looking for words of encouragement.  But, I haven't been that person for quite some time now.

     Where did I go wrong?  I never properly grieved. I let the bar exam consume me.  It has changed who I am as of late.  It has stolen the joy from my life, or what semblance of a life I had.  All I do is study, and when I don't study I think about how I should be studying.  I have been fairly depressed for a long time.

     I can't let this thing, this ordeal, control my life.  It isn't worth it to me.  I'll do what I can within reason, but not if it is a cause for me to lose my self.  I have suffered so many doubts and set backs this past couple of months.  I need to stop talking about making a move, and just do it.  This is a far cry from the younger man who would count his blessings every day he got out of bed to attend law classes during the first semester of law school. I don't know if I'll ever be him again, but I at least need to hit a middle ground.  We all have blessings to count, just ask those people in Haiti suffering from an outbreak of Cholera.

Waking up with a fresh perspective

      I actually woke up with the most perspicaciousness I have had in a while.  *****Note: I read that word in the Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Identity, and I've been itching to use it ever since*****  Last night, I read a comment which I had written in response to a post written on a blog titled Amicus Curiae. The entry was titled "So you failed the bar exam . . . now what?"  About 25 + people chimed in with sob stories about their failures, the ensuing stress, the bleakness of job prospects, and the crushing financial burdens.  One poster read my comment (which I'll post next) and compleminted me on my writing.  It almost made me smile, because I rarely heard that in law school. I certainly never heard it from my legal writing professor.

     The young lady then told her story.  It was nightmarish.  The lady graduated from a top school in New York around '99.  Her father was dying around that time.  So after her graduation, she went back to the mid-west to spend time with her father before he passed away.
    
     She went back to New York, took a review course, and studied for the next two months.  However, when the day of exam came she never took it.  She later suffered a miscarriage.  She registered for the next 20 or so exam administrations and most, if not all, of the bar courses one could think of.  Nevertheless, she was never able to physically bring herself to sit for the exam.

    Finally, during one of the '09 administrations, the young lady dug deep and found the courage necessary to take the exam.  She brought herself to the exam center where she sat and awaited the beginning of the exam administration.  Tragically, during the exam she fainted.  She had to be carried out of the exam to be physically examined.  She didn't go back for the next day.  Now, she is registered for the New York bar once more, hoping things will be different, that things will work out for her.

     After reading that, I couldn't help but reflect.  My situation is not worth complaining about.  I can't beat that.  She has so much trauma tied into her taking that exam.  I hope she makes it.  When she does, she will cherish her license more than most people would even be capable of doing.  She will be stronger for it.  I wish her the best.

     Her story made me reflect on how the world does not revolve around me.  I'm not the only one dealing with Bar exam issues.  I should be thankful I am not dying of some terminal illness; my family loves me; my friends love me and accept me for who I am; etc. . . I need to buckle down and fight the fight. I need to be thankful for life.