Humility and Law School Purgatory

    I woke up today resolved not to whine and complain about failing the bar.  I feel alone, but I know I am not the only one going through this.  Even if I was, there are cetainly people going through worse ordeals. 

     For instance, I have an older cousin staying with us from Haiti.  That country is the poorest in the western hemisphere.  This past January, Haiti underwent severe Earthquakes and aftershocks.  My cousin lost her home.  Her job gave her an apartment.  She lost it from aftershocks.  Her husband is cheating on her and treats her like crap.  However, she has nowhere else to go, so she is desperately trying to work it out with him.

    I thought I used to have a lot of faith in G-d.  Maybe I never did.  I don't know anymore.  It is easy to think you have faith when things are going well.  But when things are hard, this is when faith is needed the most.  I used to be very optimistic and I still am when it comes to certain things (the bar exam not being one of them).  But for the life of me, I can't figure out why I keep failing this test. 

     There is supposed to be a "lesson" in everything.  It is written that "Humility comes before honor."  As a theological virtue, humility is the knowledge that all goodness eminates from G-d.  The polar opposite of humility is Pride.  Basically, pride is believing that you have personal control of any given situation.  Humility kills pride.  The way people grow in humility is embarassment and humiliation.  This has been the story of my life.

     I don't have major accomplishments to boast about, nor do I have priceless possessions, or any of the sort.  I have neve truly excelled at anything.  I don't have any awards or supergifts or talents to puff my head up.  I have never been accused of having movie star/model looks.  Anyway, I could go on, but I don't want to blog all day.  All this aside, I have grown in humility and maturity as a result of failing this G-d forsaken exam twice now.  I have been doing rather crappy on standardized tests for a majority of my life.  The difference is, now I care. I understand poor exam results reflect on me academically and professionally.
However, I am constantly humbled in other ways. I am humbled when I look at my "job," my bank account, my grades, my lack of achievment, my age, when I read the news, etc. . . .

     I regret choosing this career path.  Maybe I was dishonest with myself.  I though I could do it and/or that G-d would help me out.  However, I think the evidence speaks for itself.  I was outmatched in Law School from the get go.  Those kids were Richer, more read, some were tremendously smarter, and they had a lot more resources available.  I can probably say I worked as hard or harder than any of them, at least as for that first semester.  I was competing with people that graduated Magna Cum Laude, Summa Cum laude, and cum laude in undergrad.  I was competing with people that killed the LSAT (on which I flopped).  These people had lawyers as parents, and family members.  They understood the big picture and didn't get trapped in all the Red herrings. 

     The successful students worked smart.  At the time, this was a non existent concept.  All I knew was hardwork.  I assumed hardwork and smart work were one in the same.  Well you know what they say about assumptions.  They were right.  I made a complete ass out of myself.
   
     I refused to use supplements first year because professors said everything you needed was in the casebook.  I religiously reread, I spent hours breifing, and going to extra sessions.  after that first semester I ended up in the top 3rd and was so disheartened by all the work I put in for such a minimal payout.  I never recovered from that.  I eventually finished in the top half only.  I struggled and I worked.  That is why when people ask me what is the best thing about law school, without fail I will answer "It is over with."  I fell victim to lies.  But for me it still lives. 

     Studying for the bar exam is law school purgatory.  I don't have anything to show for the past 4 years.  I hate when people ask me if I studied.  They can all buzz off for all I care.  I've been busting my tail.  The quality of my study has obviously been lacking.

     I am a fighter if nothing else.  I would rather swim than sink.  I am dying inside each day I face the burden of passing this test.  It is a slow and painful death.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm tired, frustrated, afraid, and hopeless.  I don't know how to change or where to find answers.  I wish I could move on to the next lesson.

     So this brings me back to the point of this post.  I do not presume to know what G-d cares or doesn't care about, at least I am not supposed to.  I know some serious skuzz buckets who passed this exam on the first try.  I never pretend that I am a good guy.  I am a person who struggles to do the right thing day in and day out. Sometimes I get it right. Other days I miss completely miss the mark.  But, I don't think that is what it is about. 

     I just don't know why G-d has chosen to afflict me so.  I will have to give it serious thought.  I don't want this to be the rest of my life.  There has to be more to it than this, otherwise why live?  This is not living. It's dying.