5 Stages of Death and the Bar Exam

     How is that for a dramatic title?  I love the show "House: M.D."  The main character, Dr. House, discussed this particular phrase during an episode.  I don't quite recall who or why he was using it.  The phrase is also know as the five stages of grief; the five stages of loss; or the Kübler-Ross model.  It is a pretty well known concept.  What well known thing would be complete without a Wikipedia page? 

     The five stages of death progresses in this order:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining 
4. Depression 
5. Acceptance

     I have been thinking about the five stages of death and how it relates to the bar exam.  I believe I have gone through a similar progression each time I failed the Bar exam and during other times in my life. It is okay to grieve. It is a natural human emotion. By no means do I aspire to a philosophy of Stoicism. I need to process and deal with things properly, instead of hiding them away until they eventually boil over. But that does not mean I seek confrontation.

   Here are some specific examples of how I went through the stages:



Denial?

     I guess the denial came into play when I got the failure letters.  Both times, I quintuple-checked my applicant number to see if it correctly matched the failing results released on the computer.  I was even praying my results on the computer were incorrect, and that somehow I would get a passing grade via mail.

     Anger?
    
     I was mad at was myself.  The first time, I was so mad I wasted time attending all those Bar/bri lectures.  It was poor usage of time for me as learning goes.  Many of my friends felt the same way about the lectures.  The difference is, they had the courage to stop going and they passed.  I beat myself up figuratively for not being smart enough, not pulling all nighters, et cetera. I complained about all the money I spent on hotels, gas, food and the likes.  I didn't mean to complain really. I know some of that is incidental and unavoidable.

    Bargaining? 

     I begged G-d to cut me some slack and to free me from the bondage of Murphy's law.  I am not quite sure he heard that.  I'm still waiting.  In fact, it seems like I've been waiting all my life for that one.

    Depression

     That's easy.  This scenario has turned out to be the Bar Exam version of "Groundhog's day" with Bill Murray.  I have been reading the same books, answering the same problems or types of problems, and going to the same places to study.  I have been having the same conversations about the same subjects.  I have heard the same awkward pleasantries, cliches, and trite phrases from the same sets of people now for the past year now.  The difference is that it is a lot harder to remeber why I am doing this as each day passes.  Motivation is easy lose when life keeps throwing the same right hand upper-cut; breaking the same nose in the same spot; and stabbing the brain with that same exact nose bone.

     Acceptance

    I think I hit acceptance today or at some recent point.  It just comes eventually.  It is that point where you pick yourself up by the "boot straps" so to speak and you prepare yourself to try again.  Even if I don't know what the future holds, I know what my past tells me.  My past tells me I am a fighter and I will not give up with out a fight.
    My mother told me she has never seen me so disappointed over something for such a long period of time.  She is right.  To give you a general idea, I used to be the ever-optimist.  I am usually the one my friends, acquaintances, and peers turn to when they are looking for words of encouragement.  But, I haven't been that person for quite some time now.

     Where did I go wrong?  I never properly grieved. I let the bar exam consume me.  It has changed who I am as of late.  It has stolen the joy from my life, or what semblance of a life I had.  All I do is study, and when I don't study I think about how I should be studying.  I have been fairly depressed for a long time.

     I can't let this thing, this ordeal, control my life.  It isn't worth it to me.  I'll do what I can within reason, but not if it is a cause for me to lose my self.  I have suffered so many doubts and set backs this past couple of months.  I need to stop talking about making a move, and just do it.  This is a far cry from the younger man who would count his blessings every day he got out of bed to attend law classes during the first semester of law school. I don't know if I'll ever be him again, but I at least need to hit a middle ground.  We all have blessings to count, just ask those people in Haiti suffering from an outbreak of Cholera.