Same old Sob story

     This is a rehash of a comment I made on a blog titled "Amicus Curiae."   The particular entry was appropriately titled, "So you failed the bar exam. . .now what?".  Someone thought my post was well written and interesting.  I'm not sure if it's true.  But just in case, I thought I would repost it here.  It's nothing new. It's just me complaining again, which I refuse to do anymore.  I posted this before I started blogging. Without further ado, here it is:

(Anonymous) wrote:


Sep. 29th, 2010 04:54 pm (UTC)

Two time failee here.

I didn't hate Law school. I didn't go to Law School to make Millions (although I was hoping to be able to eventually pay off my loans). I went because I thought it was the way to hone the "skills" I supposedly had. I enjoyed learning the law and reading cases, with exceptions of course. I did all this stuff: Moot court, mock trial, clerking for a judge, honor council, to build my "skills." (*I am laughing inside and out right now*).

Nonetheless, I only finished in the top half of a tier 4 school. For me, Law School bred alot of heartache, self-doubt, tears, and numbness (not in the sense of complete apathy but in the sense of a coping mechanism). It was a mighty struggle.

I graduated a semester early so that I could get a "head start" on my career and "knock this bar exam out." I took Bar/Bri and went through the motions. I never missed one class and I struggled, but did my best to keep up with the Pace program (which I was not able to, but I really tried). I Isolated myself to give it my all. But before I had done that, I was working on my resume and had recommendations lined up from a Dean, a professor, a judge. (*I'm lauging again*). Needless to say, i failed. I had so convinced myself If I put in the time, things would just fall into place. This seems to be the case, for everybody else. This was not the case for me.

So I took it again. I studied on my own. I did what i could. I had the unfortunate occurrence that completely occupied my time for the week and 1/2 preceding the exam. I didn't really have a choice. Needless, to say I failed a second time.

I "work" unsteadily for a "lawyer." He hired me as an independent contractor to save himself money meaning I am responsible for my own taxes. He is paying me $11 per hour. He lets me work when he feels like it. I don't resent him. This is business. Needless to say if a better offer came up, I would leave without regret. I am a file clerk.

My loans have began to go in to Collections. I live with my Grandparents. I owe $158,000+ in school loans (in addition to another $12,000 plus in credit card debt.

The endless barrage of Cliches from freinds and family has certainly not helped nor made me feel any better (although I would probably be saying the same types of things like "everything happens for a reason" blah blah blah).

As much as I know this is not a direct correlation of my intelligence, how do I avoid not feeling "Dumb"? How can I avoid the Self loathing?

Although I didn't hate lawschool, the best thing about is that it is over with. I didn't really envision this scenario where I would be $180 K in debt with no serious or even decent job.

I feel like "[t]he matrix has got [me]." I'm trapped. I have gone too far to quit. I can't think of any other viable options. But I don't know what my next step is. Is it possible to take back the day you were born?

Although, the bar exam may not indicate what kind of attorney you will be, it relates to the legal profession in the sense that it tests your ability to manage your study time and your exam time. (Not that I am one) but from what I am told, if you want to be a lawyer you will need to manage your time effectively (like most things in life). If nothing else, the bar exam will test this.
People often complain about the unfairness of life. LIFE IS FAIR! It may be cruel at times, but rest assured it is fair. I have been rattling off more expletives in the past 8 days then I have probably in the past 5 years or so of my life. I feel helpless, hopeless, inter alia. I've turned into "that guy" that fails bar exams, the guy everybody shuttered at even thinking about. I feel like ATLAS carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and everytime someone pats me on the back to try to comfort me, they are only making this weight worse.
Had I the foresight to know that this was possible I would never have fought so hard to go to Law School. What do I have to show for my my struggle, my heartache, and my work? Nearly 1/5 of a million dollars in debt. People keeps saying it will be alright, but that is the same thing they said last time and it is not alright.
I want to stop complaining but I feel so devoid of hope. I don't really know how to change my situation. How do I shift my paradigm? How do i break out of my conundrum? Its a catch-22. If I don't take the test I'm a quitter who just threw away 3 (4 1/2) years of my life (or I can chalk it up to a moral victory/failure depending on whose point of view). I can keep taking the test and incurring further debt while i shun off working or finding an alternative career.

Unlike most of you here, and most of the people I went to school with. I am used to failure. I'm not okay with it but i am no stranger to failure. IT IS FAR BETTER TO BE A FAILURE THEN TO BE AFRAID TO TRY OR FAIL!!! For those who do fail at some point, success holds much more value.

I will end my rant with this. I know that something needs to change for me to pass. Its not G-d, its not the test, its not the universe or the stars or whatever else people may attribute their failures to. Change starts with me, and me alone.