I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine who just moved back in to town. One thing led to another then he asked what I needed to do to pass this test. I replied "I need a brain transplant." I have a tendancy to be pretty self-depricating. Maybe it is a defense mechanism to avoid the tension of serious issues. I am getting better in that department though. The older I grow the more I realize "less is more" when it comes to the quality of words. Yet, there were sometimes during this dilemma where I have seriously questioned whether or not I even possess average Intelligence.
Self Defeatism is the worst possible hindrance to achieving any goal. Nearly everyone has doubts at some point even about themselves. But if I don't believe in me, who else will? In fact, why should I expect anyone else to believe in me if I don't believe in myself?
What if Peyton Manning was in the Locker room thought about how he didn't want to play football and that he wasn't the best? What if he whined about it all day? What if he complained about how slow he is and how his team is not necessarily the most talented on either side of the ball? He wouldn't be who he is today? I am not colts fan, but I acknowledge Mr. Manning as a potential Hall of famer and possibly one of the best ever.
What sets Manning apart? It's not his arm. Sure it helps to have a rocket arm like he has. But, at least a dozen or more quarterbacks playing in the NFL have that. It is not his athleticism. While he has good foot work, his coordination is not the best or even really good for that matter. I would venture to say Manning is probably in the bottom third or at least half for athleticism at his position. The difference is his work ethic, which leads to his self confidence.
Manning is renowned for his work ethic. This gives him a mental edge and a competitive toughness. While I do believe most uber successful athletes probably have some form of OCD, Manning's work ethic is incomparable or so it is said. It is the stuff of legends. He believes in himself. Granted, he may have many advantages (like the wisdom of a hall of fame quarterback father) he was willing to make the most of them.
Anyway, my point is that Peyton Manning works hard and he believes in himself (or that is the wide perception). Most, if not all, successful people believe in themselves. Sometimes people get lucky and may strike success on accident, but that is rare. Manning already has enough detractors and adversaries on the field. He is not willing to be one himself.
As applied to this situation, so what if people look down on me? I haven't really noticed that. Even if I did notice people looking down on me, I refuse to associate myself with someone like that. I am a real person with real feelings. My friends are the same. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, but my friends all understand there are ups and downs to life.
Like Dan Gilbert said "You got to die before you go to Heaven." Point to people who haven't gone through adversity in life, and it is almost a sure bet the people you are pointing to will have little or no character. Suffering breeds character. Humilliation breeds humility. That is just the way it is, the way it's always been.
This whole thing is very draining emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I failed this test all my friends have passed. People are passing at a rate of nearly 80 % on the first try. Sometimes, this makes my heartache; other days it causes me to get super frustrated; and yet other days I just wonder "what's wrong with me?" I can't dwell on this or it will be the death of me (on the inside).
I am a fighter through and through. I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and attack them head on. I am not helpless. None of us are. I will see this thing out no matter what it takes. I just keep telling myself "I can do this." Why? Because I know I can. I have come moderately close before, so I know I can do this. So when I start to feel anxiety, depression, or frustration I keep telling myself "I know I can pass."
I have to say my studying has been easier as of late. I have come to terms with my situation. I need to stay out of my own way. I was getting in my own way by focusing on everything that is wrong. That's usually what so called realists/pessimists call reality. How far will that take me though? Nowhere. Even if I had an answer to such a question, I don't suspect it would change much of anything. Hope will take me much further than doubt ever can. It might not take me all the way, but it is a start.
We (You and I both) seriously have to stop bashing ourselves. There is nothing wrong with our brains. We just have to figure out the right way to keep use what we have. We have to keep pushing. We have made it this far. We are not complete and utter idiots. We just have to bang it out. DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. JUST DON'T. You have to block what everyone else has said, is saying, or will say about you that is not helping the cuase. You HAVE TO BELIEVE. Try to get a hold of yourself. You have to believe in yourself again. So what if we have failed. Everybody fails at something. The time for mourning is over man. It has to be. We can't move on if we don't get over the past. Don't let it weigh you down. Believe in you. Toughen up. We have no choice.
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