Failing the bar( twice): What's so bad about it?

       I remember thinking those exact thoughts as I walked into the Florida bar exam for the first time in Feburary of '09.  I saw the pissed faces of people I knew to be repeaters and I didn't have foresight to think what it must have been like to be in their shoes.  I have failed the Florida Bar Exam twice now. 
    
     The first failure was very emotionally taxing.  I kept telling myself I was going to pass so much, I actually believed I could not fail.  I'm not so sure that is a completely bad thing.  In order to achieve a goal, one must create an expectancy, or a belief that such a thing is within the realm of possibility.  However, because I was on such an emotional and confident high, when I failed my emotional drop off from knowing I passed to actually failing was tremendous.
 
       I felt embarassed, isolated, DUMB, frustrated, anxious, angry, inter alia.  There was noone to blame but me.  So I asked myself then, as I do until this day, "[w]hy couldn't I just be better?"  I realize the bar exam is not a test of my IQ, and everyone who fails should realize this.  Even so, it is difficult to separate the two, especially the first time around.
    
     The second failure hurt, but very minimally.  This time, I focused on detaching myself from the outcome.  I focused on preparation, avoiding thoughts of results.  My preparation, no matter how good or bad, is the only thing I control.  I cannot control the results.  Additionally, the happenstance of my previous failure forced me not to take passage or failure for granted.  Generally, failure breeds maturity for those who allow it to serve such a function.  So when I got my failing results for the second time, it was not "out of left field." Of course, I couldn't detach myself from the whole situation. That would mean complete apathy and lackadaisical preparation (if any at all).
 
     Failing the bar is a big deal, at least from my perspective.  Like I told a friend, "My shame and dignity went out of the window the first time I failed."  One of the gravest mistakes I made was thinking "[i]t's just a test."  It may be a test, but it is one with many implications tied to it especially in the current economic climate.  My current job situation is not an evyable one to say the least, although I am not sure if a J.D. would be the ultimate solution.  The market is still tough on licensed J.D.s.
   
     I'm not sure how people or employers perceive bar flunkees.  But I'm not worried about that.  Champions and winners are defined by their actions in the face of defeat.  Failures are those who at least make an effort to achieve a goal.  Worse off, are those who do not even dare to dream.  At the end of the day, I know I am trying tremendously hard.  At least I can say that for myself.  I think my failures are more of an indicator as to the quality of my preparation as opposed to the quantity or lack thereof.  For every problem, there is a solution.  That is what i seek.