Failing the Bar Exam by 40 points then passing

     I came across this post on the studyfor.com bar exam forum.  It is very inspirational.  The initial poster is asking if he/she is an idiot because they failed the bar exam.  The next poster responded by giving an account by another bar taker.  Here it is:

[Post Title by Initial Poster] "I failed my Ohio Bar, am I an idiot?"

Initial Poster: I hear people failing CA bar and NY bar all the time, but I failed Ohio bar exam!!!! what should I do?


Responder: no, you are not


here is a nice failing story I read online by an anonymous

i would like to let everyone know whose failed the bar exam by more than 40 points that it's still possible to pass. let me explain.

i failed the july '06 ohio bar exam by just more than 40 points (see my post, OH! in ohio, on 10/30/06). having failed by so much, and knowing that i would only have 6 weeks to study the second time around, i figured i was doomed. i realized that i had to make dramatic changes to my study approach before tackling the bar again.

i started by telling my employer that i absolutely needed 6 weeks to study. my employer understood, and i then purchased the barbri home-study course along with thousands of blank notecards.

i formed and stuck by a very regimented study plan for those 6 weeks. i would from 7:30-11:30, take a 1.5 hour break for working out and lunch, study from 1-6, take and hour dinner, and then study from 7 to 9. i kept this routine every day (no kidding!) for the entire 6 weeks.

as for the nitty gritty details of studying, i started by making outlines for every subject tested. i only watched dvd lectures for those subjects which i hadn't taken in law school (5 of them) or had bombed royally on the july exam.

after about 1.5 weeks of making outlines, i would do 100 mbe questions each morning and then thoroughly review the ones i missed. in the afternoon, i would make flashcards based off of my outlines and then memorize the law the rest of the day. i repeated this cycle until there were about 2.5 weeks until the exam.

with about 2.5 weeks remaining, i continued with 100 mbe questions in the mornings. in the afternoons, i would do about 6-10 practice essays. in the evening, i would review my flashcards.

i continued this cycle until the weekend prior to the bar, when i then spent 3 days practicing MPTs.

i actually ended up getting sick the night before the bar exam and for the duration of the test. i just powered through the exam, though, motivated by fear, anxiety, whatever.

when the exam was finished, i felt much better than i did in july, but still no certain that i passed. well, just three days ago, i learned that i passed by a whopping 3.5 points! it turns out that i bombed the mbe (a 131) but did well on the written portions.

in hindsight, i feel the most helpful component of my studying was the flashcards. when i was writing the essays, i had the black letter at the tip of fingers and scribbled out everything i knew, even if i didn't know the exact rule the answer was looking for. i just tried to show the examiners that i knew the buzz words, the general concepts, etc.

so, i really want to first say how grateful i am for this blog. i've read it regularly since taking the bar in february, and have found much comfort and reassurance in doing so.

i really think the key to passing the bar is simply putting in the time, staying focused, and keeping a positive attitude. i don't think i need to tell everyone what a giant relief it is to finally have passed this hurdle. know that if you stay focused, persistent, and optimistic, you will pass the bar.

best to everyone!!

     This examinee seems to be referring to scaled points as opposed to raw points. The perseverance is admirable.  This person just attacked their studies with intensity.  This kind of turn around for a self studier is astounding.  I hope this will help someone out, because it has done so for me.

Re-motivated

     I have been suffering from a loss of motivation.  But, I have regained some perspective and motivation. My family believes in me and is supporting me all the way.  I haven't really been able to appreciate it until now.

     My family is pretty large, and one or several of my family member offer me encouraging words everyday. I haven't really been willing to listen. What really made this set in was this car I have and a credit card bill.  I have a car I bought a few months ago and it was in the shop getting repaired. I also had a pretty large credit card bill. 

    My economic situation is to the point where I had to leave the car at the mechanics because I was short on cash.  The credit card bill was also rather mountainous.  My family helped me to handle both of these things.  I didn't deserve it. I didn't ask for. I'm nowhere near perfect. Despite any of that, they love me, believe in me, and support me (even when my self belief was waning).

     I have to make the most of this opportunity.  Yes, the opportunity still exists. I don't want to let them down by giving a porous effort.  I have to fight and If I go down again, that is the only way I will go down. If nothing else, I am a fighter and have been all of my life.  It is the only way I know how to conduct myself.  I owe them some much thanks and gratitude.  To them, I am truly indebted.

5 Stages of Death and the Bar Exam

     How is that for a dramatic title?  I love the show "House: M.D."  The main character, Dr. House, discussed this particular phrase during an episode.  I don't quite recall who or why he was using it.  The phrase is also know as the five stages of grief; the five stages of loss; or the Kübler-Ross model.  It is a pretty well known concept.  What well known thing would be complete without a Wikipedia page? 

     The five stages of death progresses in this order:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining 
4. Depression 
5. Acceptance

     I have been thinking about the five stages of death and how it relates to the bar exam.  I believe I have gone through a similar progression each time I failed the Bar exam and during other times in my life. It is okay to grieve. It is a natural human emotion. By no means do I aspire to a philosophy of Stoicism. I need to process and deal with things properly, instead of hiding them away until they eventually boil over. But that does not mean I seek confrontation.

   Here are some specific examples of how I went through the stages:



Denial?

     I guess the denial came into play when I got the failure letters.  Both times, I quintuple-checked my applicant number to see if it correctly matched the failing results released on the computer.  I was even praying my results on the computer were incorrect, and that somehow I would get a passing grade via mail.

     Anger?
    
     I was mad at was myself.  The first time, I was so mad I wasted time attending all those Bar/bri lectures.  It was poor usage of time for me as learning goes.  Many of my friends felt the same way about the lectures.  The difference is, they had the courage to stop going and they passed.  I beat myself up figuratively for not being smart enough, not pulling all nighters, et cetera. I complained about all the money I spent on hotels, gas, food and the likes.  I didn't mean to complain really. I know some of that is incidental and unavoidable.

    Bargaining? 

     I begged G-d to cut me some slack and to free me from the bondage of Murphy's law.  I am not quite sure he heard that.  I'm still waiting.  In fact, it seems like I've been waiting all my life for that one.

    Depression

     That's easy.  This scenario has turned out to be the Bar Exam version of "Groundhog's day" with Bill Murray.  I have been reading the same books, answering the same problems or types of problems, and going to the same places to study.  I have been having the same conversations about the same subjects.  I have heard the same awkward pleasantries, cliches, and trite phrases from the same sets of people now for the past year now.  The difference is that it is a lot harder to remeber why I am doing this as each day passes.  Motivation is easy lose when life keeps throwing the same right hand upper-cut; breaking the same nose in the same spot; and stabbing the brain with that same exact nose bone.

     Acceptance

    I think I hit acceptance today or at some recent point.  It just comes eventually.  It is that point where you pick yourself up by the "boot straps" so to speak and you prepare yourself to try again.  Even if I don't know what the future holds, I know what my past tells me.  My past tells me I am a fighter and I will not give up with out a fight.
    My mother told me she has never seen me so disappointed over something for such a long period of time.  She is right.  To give you a general idea, I used to be the ever-optimist.  I am usually the one my friends, acquaintances, and peers turn to when they are looking for words of encouragement.  But, I haven't been that person for quite some time now.

     Where did I go wrong?  I never properly grieved. I let the bar exam consume me.  It has changed who I am as of late.  It has stolen the joy from my life, or what semblance of a life I had.  All I do is study, and when I don't study I think about how I should be studying.  I have been fairly depressed for a long time.

     I can't let this thing, this ordeal, control my life.  It isn't worth it to me.  I'll do what I can within reason, but not if it is a cause for me to lose my self.  I have suffered so many doubts and set backs this past couple of months.  I need to stop talking about making a move, and just do it.  This is a far cry from the younger man who would count his blessings every day he got out of bed to attend law classes during the first semester of law school. I don't know if I'll ever be him again, but I at least need to hit a middle ground.  We all have blessings to count, just ask those people in Haiti suffering from an outbreak of Cholera.

Never be afraid to ask for help. Be resourceful.

      I have never considered myself to be a prideful person.  I need help to pass the bar exam, so I am willing to do whatever I must within reason of course.  I contaced an old dean of mine from the Law School I attended. She is a member of the board of bar examiners and an exam guru of sorts. I scanned and emailed her my essays from the first bar exam I failed.

     Those essay are not my finest, so I can't say I was thrilled to e-mail them to her.  But, if it will help then it will be worth any embarassment or criticism I will have to take.  Several of my friends attributed their passing solely to her tutelage. She is a very meticulous and formulaic person who was built for rules, codes and all things academic.  I had her for 3 lectures, so I know first hand.

      Being resourceful is a great attribute.  As a repeater, it may be a great idea to contact old professors, deans, and/or classmates. Several of my classmates, have offered me their updated bar materials at no charge (probably out of pity, but I will still take it).  A Judicial assistant I interned for has offered to help me with essays.  And now, the dean is offering me suggestions as well.  But I never would have known unless I asked.

      I'm not generally in the habit of asking for help.  However, my friend painted the scenario for me in this light.  My law schools has an interest in me passing the exam because it is a reflection on them of a sort (his words, not mine).  As a repeater I certainly have an interest in passing to commence a legal career and to possibly support my law schools as an alumnus.  So it is a win-win for all involved.   I don't want to make the mistake of thinking "nobody cares."  There is help available.  I just have to be willing to seek it and accept it.

Virtue of Failure

     I received a phone call from a relative minutes ago.  He is attempting to get into "Top" schools for an M.B.A.  He has taken the G.R.E. several times and he has competitive scores, but he is seeking to get "surefire" scores, the 90th percentile kind.  He said something interesting.  He needs to do this because this will ensure he is ready for the next couple of years.  I assumed he meant taking the test or receiving the desired test score.

     I curiously replied, "[s]o you think a test will tell you all of that?" My relative responded saying, "[w]ell, not so much the test but the preparation for the test.  If I can do this properly, I will be ready for the next couple of years." I thought about my situation in light of what he said.  This is undoubtedly the most difficult academic endeavor I have had to face.  I have failed miserably. However, if I can get through this, I will be better off for it.  If I don't, I will still be better off either way as long as I can extract the value from my limitations and experiences.

Same old Sob story

     This is a rehash of a comment I made on a blog titled "Amicus Curiae."   The particular entry was appropriately titled, "So you failed the bar exam. . .now what?".  Someone thought my post was well written and interesting.  I'm not sure if it's true.  But just in case, I thought I would repost it here.  It's nothing new. It's just me complaining again, which I refuse to do anymore.  I posted this before I started blogging. Without further ado, here it is:

(Anonymous) wrote:


Sep. 29th, 2010 04:54 pm (UTC)

Two time failee here.

I didn't hate Law school. I didn't go to Law School to make Millions (although I was hoping to be able to eventually pay off my loans). I went because I thought it was the way to hone the "skills" I supposedly had. I enjoyed learning the law and reading cases, with exceptions of course. I did all this stuff: Moot court, mock trial, clerking for a judge, honor council, to build my "skills." (*I am laughing inside and out right now*).

Nonetheless, I only finished in the top half of a tier 4 school. For me, Law School bred alot of heartache, self-doubt, tears, and numbness (not in the sense of complete apathy but in the sense of a coping mechanism). It was a mighty struggle.

I graduated a semester early so that I could get a "head start" on my career and "knock this bar exam out." I took Bar/Bri and went through the motions. I never missed one class and I struggled, but did my best to keep up with the Pace program (which I was not able to, but I really tried). I Isolated myself to give it my all. But before I had done that, I was working on my resume and had recommendations lined up from a Dean, a professor, a judge. (*I'm lauging again*). Needless to say, i failed. I had so convinced myself If I put in the time, things would just fall into place. This seems to be the case, for everybody else. This was not the case for me.

So I took it again. I studied on my own. I did what i could. I had the unfortunate occurrence that completely occupied my time for the week and 1/2 preceding the exam. I didn't really have a choice. Needless, to say I failed a second time.

I "work" unsteadily for a "lawyer." He hired me as an independent contractor to save himself money meaning I am responsible for my own taxes. He is paying me $11 per hour. He lets me work when he feels like it. I don't resent him. This is business. Needless to say if a better offer came up, I would leave without regret. I am a file clerk.

My loans have began to go in to Collections. I live with my Grandparents. I owe $158,000+ in school loans (in addition to another $12,000 plus in credit card debt.

The endless barrage of Cliches from freinds and family has certainly not helped nor made me feel any better (although I would probably be saying the same types of things like "everything happens for a reason" blah blah blah).

As much as I know this is not a direct correlation of my intelligence, how do I avoid not feeling "Dumb"? How can I avoid the Self loathing?

Although I didn't hate lawschool, the best thing about is that it is over with. I didn't really envision this scenario where I would be $180 K in debt with no serious or even decent job.

I feel like "[t]he matrix has got [me]." I'm trapped. I have gone too far to quit. I can't think of any other viable options. But I don't know what my next step is. Is it possible to take back the day you were born?

Although, the bar exam may not indicate what kind of attorney you will be, it relates to the legal profession in the sense that it tests your ability to manage your study time and your exam time. (Not that I am one) but from what I am told, if you want to be a lawyer you will need to manage your time effectively (like most things in life). If nothing else, the bar exam will test this.
People often complain about the unfairness of life. LIFE IS FAIR! It may be cruel at times, but rest assured it is fair. I have been rattling off more expletives in the past 8 days then I have probably in the past 5 years or so of my life. I feel helpless, hopeless, inter alia. I've turned into "that guy" that fails bar exams, the guy everybody shuttered at even thinking about. I feel like ATLAS carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and everytime someone pats me on the back to try to comfort me, they are only making this weight worse.
Had I the foresight to know that this was possible I would never have fought so hard to go to Law School. What do I have to show for my my struggle, my heartache, and my work? Nearly 1/5 of a million dollars in debt. People keeps saying it will be alright, but that is the same thing they said last time and it is not alright.
I want to stop complaining but I feel so devoid of hope. I don't really know how to change my situation. How do I shift my paradigm? How do i break out of my conundrum? Its a catch-22. If I don't take the test I'm a quitter who just threw away 3 (4 1/2) years of my life (or I can chalk it up to a moral victory/failure depending on whose point of view). I can keep taking the test and incurring further debt while i shun off working or finding an alternative career.

Unlike most of you here, and most of the people I went to school with. I am used to failure. I'm not okay with it but i am no stranger to failure. IT IS FAR BETTER TO BE A FAILURE THEN TO BE AFRAID TO TRY OR FAIL!!! For those who do fail at some point, success holds much more value.

I will end my rant with this. I know that something needs to change for me to pass. Its not G-d, its not the test, its not the universe or the stars or whatever else people may attribute their failures to. Change starts with me, and me alone.

Waking up with a fresh perspective

      I actually woke up with the most perspicaciousness I have had in a while.  *****Note: I read that word in the Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Identity, and I've been itching to use it ever since*****  Last night, I read a comment which I had written in response to a post written on a blog titled Amicus Curiae. The entry was titled "So you failed the bar exam . . . now what?"  About 25 + people chimed in with sob stories about their failures, the ensuing stress, the bleakness of job prospects, and the crushing financial burdens.  One poster read my comment (which I'll post next) and compleminted me on my writing.  It almost made me smile, because I rarely heard that in law school. I certainly never heard it from my legal writing professor.

     The young lady then told her story.  It was nightmarish.  The lady graduated from a top school in New York around '99.  Her father was dying around that time.  So after her graduation, she went back to the mid-west to spend time with her father before he passed away.
    
     She went back to New York, took a review course, and studied for the next two months.  However, when the day of exam came she never took it.  She later suffered a miscarriage.  She registered for the next 20 or so exam administrations and most, if not all, of the bar courses one could think of.  Nevertheless, she was never able to physically bring herself to sit for the exam.

    Finally, during one of the '09 administrations, the young lady dug deep and found the courage necessary to take the exam.  She brought herself to the exam center where she sat and awaited the beginning of the exam administration.  Tragically, during the exam she fainted.  She had to be carried out of the exam to be physically examined.  She didn't go back for the next day.  Now, she is registered for the New York bar once more, hoping things will be different, that things will work out for her.

     After reading that, I couldn't help but reflect.  My situation is not worth complaining about.  I can't beat that.  She has so much trauma tied into her taking that exam.  I hope she makes it.  When she does, she will cherish her license more than most people would even be capable of doing.  She will be stronger for it.  I wish her the best.

     Her story made me reflect on how the world does not revolve around me.  I'm not the only one dealing with Bar exam issues.  I should be thankful I am not dying of some terminal illness; my family loves me; my friends love me and accept me for who I am; etc. . . I need to buckle down and fight the fight. I need to be thankful for life.

"How Law Schools Help Turn Weak Students into Failing Bar Candidates"

      This is not an exercise in blame.  I don't blame my law school for any of my failures.  Our pass rate is pretty good, and nearly everyone I know pretty much passed on the first try.  However, I found an article interesting, written by notable Bar Exam coach, Mary Gallagher, J.D., P.hd. Unfortunately, I could relate.

How Law Schools Help Turn Weak Students into Failing Bar Candidates

"Did you study son?"

   Said my so called "employer" or "contractee," Mr. F., in his southern drawl as I informed him of my second bar exam failure. I thought to myself:

   No Mr. F. of course I didn't study.  Instead I just thought it would be tons of fun to shell out thousands of dollars on books, bar exam courses, hotels, and gas; and I just knew it would be so liberating to shut myself in a library and isolate myself from the rest of humanity for months at a time while I read thousands of pages, compiled nearly a thousand flash cards, typed hudreds of words, and did hundreds of problems just so I could drive all the way to Tampa twice to face the humiliating glare of all my friends who know I already failed the exam once and that I am taking it for a second time so I could forego receiving a license all so I could work for you making a low wage, not even as a legal clerk, but as a file clerk where I make the world a better place everyday by filing, faxing, copying, entering data, destapling, re-stapling, answering phones, stripping files, throwing out garbage, turning on sprinklers, shredding documents, etc. . .  only to be crushed by a skyward amount of student loan debt and an inability to find real work all while I study to take the Bar exam for A THIRD TIME."

    "Of course I studied dipstick."  I shouldn't really be offended.  This is not his problem nor his fault.  While he certainly is not a part of the solution, he is not the problem either.  I must say I think the question is dumb.  I'm sure it happens here and there where people fail because they don't study. I do not nor will I ever operate that way.  But I guess I understand his thinking.  All of my friends put the work in, and they passed. This is usually what happens about 80% of the time according to the pass rate.

     None of my peers asked me that question.  I am hardly one to pat myself on the back, but they know me.  They've seen the kind of time I will put towards my studies.  We've done the all nighters together or the consecutive months of preparing for competitions while foregoing weekends, sleep, and food.  I may not have had the most effective method, nor have I ever claimed to be some brilliant legal mind, but I am not one who lacks in effort.

    I highly doubt Mr. F. thought about what he was saying.  When he is not in his officious capacity, he appears to me to be a "gunslinger."  He shoots from the hip, or off at the mouth.  While I can't necessarily say I am enjoying working for him, I appreciate the way he handles clients.  Though he is a PI attorney and money is always an issue, he is not the typical "ambulance chaser."  I don't know if he is a good guy.  I don't know him well enough to vouch for him like that.  But, I haven't really seen anything to indicate the contrary.  But I can tell you, I don't plan to have any further Bar Exam conversations with him.

Method Acting: Becoming a successful Exam taker

     Had I a choice to do things over again, I would have been (and still may become) a thespian.  I have developed a tremendous love for most things artistic.  I play the guitar, dabble (very rarely) in the piano, and sing.  I used to write poetry (and plan to get back into that someday).  I enjoy going to art museums although I am not well versed in works of art or their creators per se.  I enjoy watching live performances of all kinds from theater to music to comedy, etc. . .
   I have been trying to clear my mind of the disappointments which have led to my current situatioin.  I am becoming a "masterful test taker."  In reality, I am doing my best to method act.  In fact, "I am a master test taker."  I have been envisioning myself as a successful test taker, imagining the feelings that accompany the success I am striving for. 

     This means I must change. I have to change my posture, my thought process (most especially), my feelings about exams (and this one in particular).  I have to work on my exam strategy and my time management for each problem.  I am attempting to create a literal vision and expectancy.  When I say literal, I mean I oft close my eyes and see myself as a licensed working attorney.

   It is one thing to fail, but it is entirely a different thing to be a self defeatest.  If you do not believe in yourself, you will rarely (if ever) succeed.  "He who says he can and he who says he cannot are both usually right." -Confucius-  Life will supply all the haters, detractors, pessimists, and salt shakers you can deal with for any given endeavor.  Why add yourself to the mix? In fact if your family and freinds fall into these categories then you may want to create as much distance as you can manage (emotionally and/or spatially if necessary).

     I have never been a good test taker in the past, nor have I ever been particularly organized.  I have never properly learned test taking strategies (save for my LSAT course during which I did not adequately apply myself.  The transformation I seek is not easy, but it is necessary.  I am attempting to transform myself like a chameleon for purposes of this exam.  I tried schedules in the past.  For instance, I made myself a study schedule first year.  However, the schedule set a limit to the amount of time I was going to study.  In contrast, I got sucked into studying until all hours of the morning and I ignored the schedule.  This time will have to be different.  This will be a little more goal oriented.

     Anyway, here is what I have been doing for the past couple of days.  I just compiled a study guide.  While I am eager to study, I knew if I didn't have an exact study plan, I would FAIL AGAIN.  So I took tones of time to make one.  I still have some things to modify, but it is near 85% completion.  Here is what I did:

     First, I installed a countdown timer as per a blog post by "Frustrated Bar Examinee" in order to countdown the days to the exam.  Next, I compiled a daily study schedule.  I included order of topics and the number of problems  and review I intend to do for each day.  I also include slots to record the accomplishments for that day as well as a slot to keep track of percentages and difficulty level of the problems.  Furthermore, I did a stastical breakdown of the frequency and format of topics on the State portion of the exam.  In my Bar/bri materials from Winter '10 (which really was just the stuff from the previous Spring because they did not change them) They listed the topics from Winter '99 until Spring of '09.  I added the latest two administrations and went further.  I broke down the topic frequency by percentage, and I ranked topics from highest to lowest % of appearances amongst the essays given.

     Furthermore, I analyzed the frequency of combinanation essays.  I counted how many essays there were from July '03 to July '10 and noted what percentage of those were comination essay. Then, I analyzed the frequency of topics among the comination essays enumerating them from lowest to highest by percentage. This will help me to prioritize what I will need to study.

     I will need to focus every fiber of my being into becoming this person I need to be.  I know I am capable.  I will need to bring myself to new heights.  Since I will be typing I am thinking of attributing a few minutes a day towards typing faster and more accurately.  I am not a slow typer, but the faster and more accurate I can become, the better off I will be on the essay portions of the exam.  I also found an old handout from one of the deans of my old Law School.  The workshop had to do with strategies on essays and multiple choice.  I will read this probably once a day from here on out.  I will absorb her strategies in order to meet this goal. 

     I beleive this can work if I do it right.  I  will become what i must in order to survive and overcome this ordeal.

Letting go is key to getting over frustration

     I woke up this morning thinking, as I usually do.  The focus of those thoughts was "letting go." I tried to make my study schedule last night.  All I could think about was my disgust for this situation, my disdain for my seeming ineptitude to achieve this goal, and the frustration and pain I have forced myself into by having have failed this exam twice now.

     At one point, I used to believe everything would work out in my favor.  I believed if I was in line with the will of G-d, things would eventually work out in my favor.  I honestly don't know of such things any longer nor do I possess the certainty I once had.  Long gone from my memories are the days, if any, where I recall things working out for me in a good way.
   
    I used to be able to [look at the cup as being half full]. I acknowledge the fickleness of man and how easily man forgets.  In  the past, I would look to others who suffered and understand how fortunate I was.  Even such a tactic now only has a minimal effect.  I don't seek pity, nor do I seek consolation.  I seek release from this burden.  This predicament has me filled with so much regret about life and this "career path."  I am afraid that it could get worse.  My life has been stagnant and devoid of growth.  Something will have to give.  It cannot be like this forever.

    Despite all of this, I recognize LIFE IS FAIR.  The same rules do not necessarily apply for all.  What works for some might not work for others and vice versa, yet life is fair.  There is always a point or some points we can look back to which will make our difficult predicaments understandable.   I often say "[l]ife is a combination of personal choices."  Actually seeing it written out makes it seem lacking.  Maybe its a combination of personal choices and "curveballs."

     Anyhow, last night I googled "how to let go of frustration."  I came across an article on the subject and this was the first couple of sentences:

"Anger and frustration are caused by an insistence that the world or other people conform to your wishes. The art of going beyond anger and frustration lies in learning to let go and flow with the natural unfolding of life and in developing a spiritual perspective which reveals that life is precisely as it needs to be at every moment."

     I full heartedly agree. I acknowledge my self centeredness and my former inability to see "outside of the box."  I wrote "Flow" on the palm of my hand today as a reminder.  I don't know why I am going through this; I can't figure out how to look at this as a positive; nor do I understand the purpose of all the lost time.  But I can't avoid the situation.  I have invested too much to quit for this go around.

    Everything has its place in the universe.  Presently, this is mine.  This will evolve, this pain from this situation.  It will either become cancerous and cantankerous promoting bitterness, frustration, rancor, and anxiety, inter alia; or it can become something I learn from, which I can move on from and possibly help others.  I personally choose the latter. 
  
     I am not the only one to have faced this situation.  I don't want this to become my defining moment in life. How much more can I be stretched?  How much more will I have to shoulder dissapointment, failure, and the resulting heartache? I do not want this to be the one straw that broke the camel's back.  But note, "[w]hile the one straw broke the camel's back here's the secret; there's a million other straws underneath it.  It's all mathematics." -Mos Def-

Re: "Taking The Bar Exam is like being Pregnant"

    My favorite successful repeater blog is "Frustrated Bar Examinee."  I was reading her posts and came across this gem, another blogger's post describing the experience of taking the Florida Bar Exam.  I found it to be "dead on." To clarify, this is not my post and full credit goes to FBE.  You can find the original entry in its entirety here on FBE's blog.  Here is the portion of the post concerning the former blogger's experience:

For those lucky enough to avoid three years of law school, there is a shroud of mystery which surrounds the entire bar exam process. Unless you have actually sat for the bar, it is very difficult to understand why those who haven taken the exam consider it such a traumatic experience. I will now attempt to explain why the bar exam is such a nightmare.

Before you can sit for the bar, you must complete:

The Bar Application

Completing the bar application is almost as bad as taking the bar itself. Some states like to make everyone’s lives easier and allow electronic filing of said application. Other states require paper applications to be printed out and filled in. For example, New Jersey’s thirty page application can neither be filled out nor filed on-line. New Jersey requires that you print out and manually fill in the 30 page packet. Then NJ has the balls to go and say that it “prefers” the use of a “typewriter”.

First, I really don’t care what the state of NJ prefers. I prefer to not take the multi-state portion of the bar exam, having passed it by 26 points only one year ago. I prefer not having to list every job I’ve had since the age of 18, or every residence I’ve lived in since the age of 16. I prefer not having to go to the DMV to obtain a copy of my “certified drivers record.” (I can only imagine how difficult it is for one state agency to obtain records from another state agency. It’s probably best that I wait in line four hours to obtain a piece of paper issued by the state to later put in an envelope and mail back to the state.) I prefer not having to think of eight different people to serve as my references, especially when those eight people cannot be: a law student, a relative or a co-worker. News flash NJ, those are the only three groups of people I have spoken to in the last four years. What’s that you say? College friends? YEAH! Great idea! Some of my best friends from college don’t even know my first name. They might be able to tell you about my beer pong prowess, or about the time we used the handicap designated electric wheel chair ramp to load kegs into a van, or my propensity for Jack Daniels. However, I’m pretty sure they would not have a lot to offer in terms of my professionalism, dedication and commitment to veracity and honesty.

Secondly, NJ, what makes you think I have a typewriter? Are you serious? Like the other 100% of the people applying for this bar exam, I have a “computer”. Computers are kind of like typewriters, except that they still make them. New Jersey, if you prefer to have the applications typed, make like Pennsylvania and permit users to fill them out online.
 
Once you have filed your bar application, you must begin to prepare for the bar exam. This usually involves attending:


The Bar Class

Once you have completed the traumatic filing process, you then shell out $2500 to sit in a classroom for six weeks to learn all of the stuff you didn’t learn in law school because your crappy Torts professor spent two months exploring the subtle distinction between a “manufacturing defect” and a “design defect” in product liability cases.

But its worse than that. The bar class isn’t about re-learning things you learned during your law school tenure. The bar class is about learning things that you have never learned before and will never need to know again A lot of the new information is never taught in law school because it either 1) never comes up, or 2) is so trivial that it would be silly to mention. Those are basically the prerequisites bar examiners use when deciding which questions belong on the bar. See, e.g., liabity of bee keeper for bee attack turns on whether the kept bees are honey making bees or crazy african bees.

Once you have spent a total of eight weeks trying to learn every minutiae of law that could possibly be thrown at you, you get to take:


The Bar Exam

In the state of Florida, every person that sits for the Florida bar takes the bar in Tampa Bay at the same time, in the same room. If tension and nervousness could some how be harnessed into an alternate energy source, the auditorium in the Tampa Bay Convention Center could power the state of Florida for an entire 3 months.

It’s almost amusing to see the way people freak out right before the exam. When I took the Florida bar, I literally had a friend come running up to me 4 minutes before the exam having a melt down about “riparian water rights.”

My Friend: “Vidas, Vidas!!!! Do you remember what the BarBri lady said about riparian water rights?”

Me: “No. If it’s on there, it will be one question max. Worth one point, if that.”

My Friend: “But what if it’s in an essay??! An essay is worth a lot more than one point.”

Me: “Uhhh. I don’t know. Go ask Scott.”

My Friend: [Gasping noises.]

Me: “I’ve got a paper bag for you to breath into. Will that help?”

When the magic hour final arrives, you are corraled like cattle being led into a slaughter house. It’s interesting to see how each individual reacts to the inordinately stressful situation. Some people talk non-stop; nervous gibberish. Some people recite elements to different causes of action. Some people use the bathroom eight times before the exam. Some people won’t talk. Some people can’t sit still and walk around until the test is distributed. I, myself, must have used the water fountain a half dozen times before sitting down to take the test. Thank god for coping mechanisms.

Even after the exam starts, you can tell which people are shitting the bed. In Florida, you are paired two to a table. My friend Scott’s table mate would pound the table everytime he encountered a question to which he didn’t know the answer. My table mate was a classic “second guesser”. He’d write a bunch of stuff down, read it and proceed to erase the entire page. He would erase so hard that the entire table would shake. The Florida bar has three essays. I think this guy wrote about eight that day. By the time the essay portion of the exam was over, he was about a foot deep in eraser shavings.

And the sad thing is that when you see people shitting the bed, you don’t feel bad for the person. You feel happy it isn’t you.


Schadenfreude!


Gezunheidt.

The Aftermath

As you fill in that last bubble on the scantron sheet, there is total and utter joy. You did it! You finished the bar exam. But somehow, by the time you get up from your seat and hand in your test booklet you have managed to convince yourself that you failed the exam. Just to make sure you totally failed, you and a friend spend the four hour car ride home comparing each of your answers, question by question.

So the relief you feel from completing the bar is almost non-existent. The crushing weight on your shoulders stays with you for another six weeks until the bar examiners post results on line. The day before the bar results are announced, you hear people say things like: “I know I failed; that exam was impossible. I hope the next version is easier”, “I just hope everyone passed. Everyone studied so hard. We all deserve to pass.” Then the results are announced. And how things change. Those same people now say things like: “I knew I nailed it. It wasn’t that bad. It was a lot of hype, but in the end not that hard.” “Oh my god, did you hear so-and-so failed the bar? I know, what a bitch. Total karma, right?”.

The day the results are announced, there is a frantic explosion of telephone calls and texting and IM’ing. If you fail the bar and don’t want anybody to know about it, I would seriously consider moving. At the very least, you should stop taking phone calls for a good month.


Final Thoughts

The bar exam is a stupid, stupid attorney right of passage. How well you do on the bar exam has no correlation to the type of attorney you will become. A lot of really bad attorneys have passed the bar. A lot of really good attorneys failed the first or second time around.
In the end, I think that the best way to describe the entire process is like a pregnancy. The bar exam is like a baby you carry for two months. During those two months, your life completely changes. You stop drinking (lest you lose a day of studying). You rarely see your friends or family. You get weird food cravings during those late night study sessions. You gain weight from the aforementioned food cravings and because you no longer have time to go to the gym. You have horrible mood swings due to the tremendous amount of stress you are under. (See, e.g., the “Dog Killing Story”) And by the last week of your pseudo pregnancy, you just “want it out” of you. There’s even post-partum depression associated with taking the bar. You are happy that the bar is over, but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness because you don’t know whether you have passed or failed.

Anyway, good luck to all those out there studying for the bar. In the end, it’s just a test. A really, really, really horrible life sucking test.

This poster is certainly not lacking in accuracy.  My two experiences, have been very similar.

Humility and Law School Purgatory

    I woke up today resolved not to whine and complain about failing the bar.  I feel alone, but I know I am not the only one going through this.  Even if I was, there are cetainly people going through worse ordeals. 

     For instance, I have an older cousin staying with us from Haiti.  That country is the poorest in the western hemisphere.  This past January, Haiti underwent severe Earthquakes and aftershocks.  My cousin lost her home.  Her job gave her an apartment.  She lost it from aftershocks.  Her husband is cheating on her and treats her like crap.  However, she has nowhere else to go, so she is desperately trying to work it out with him.

    I thought I used to have a lot of faith in G-d.  Maybe I never did.  I don't know anymore.  It is easy to think you have faith when things are going well.  But when things are hard, this is when faith is needed the most.  I used to be very optimistic and I still am when it comes to certain things (the bar exam not being one of them).  But for the life of me, I can't figure out why I keep failing this test. 

     There is supposed to be a "lesson" in everything.  It is written that "Humility comes before honor."  As a theological virtue, humility is the knowledge that all goodness eminates from G-d.  The polar opposite of humility is Pride.  Basically, pride is believing that you have personal control of any given situation.  Humility kills pride.  The way people grow in humility is embarassment and humiliation.  This has been the story of my life.

     I don't have major accomplishments to boast about, nor do I have priceless possessions, or any of the sort.  I have neve truly excelled at anything.  I don't have any awards or supergifts or talents to puff my head up.  I have never been accused of having movie star/model looks.  Anyway, I could go on, but I don't want to blog all day.  All this aside, I have grown in humility and maturity as a result of failing this G-d forsaken exam twice now.  I have been doing rather crappy on standardized tests for a majority of my life.  The difference is, now I care. I understand poor exam results reflect on me academically and professionally.
However, I am constantly humbled in other ways. I am humbled when I look at my "job," my bank account, my grades, my lack of achievment, my age, when I read the news, etc. . . .

     I regret choosing this career path.  Maybe I was dishonest with myself.  I though I could do it and/or that G-d would help me out.  However, I think the evidence speaks for itself.  I was outmatched in Law School from the get go.  Those kids were Richer, more read, some were tremendously smarter, and they had a lot more resources available.  I can probably say I worked as hard or harder than any of them, at least as for that first semester.  I was competing with people that graduated Magna Cum Laude, Summa Cum laude, and cum laude in undergrad.  I was competing with people that killed the LSAT (on which I flopped).  These people had lawyers as parents, and family members.  They understood the big picture and didn't get trapped in all the Red herrings. 

     The successful students worked smart.  At the time, this was a non existent concept.  All I knew was hardwork.  I assumed hardwork and smart work were one in the same.  Well you know what they say about assumptions.  They were right.  I made a complete ass out of myself.
   
     I refused to use supplements first year because professors said everything you needed was in the casebook.  I religiously reread, I spent hours breifing, and going to extra sessions.  after that first semester I ended up in the top 3rd and was so disheartened by all the work I put in for such a minimal payout.  I never recovered from that.  I eventually finished in the top half only.  I struggled and I worked.  That is why when people ask me what is the best thing about law school, without fail I will answer "It is over with."  I fell victim to lies.  But for me it still lives. 

     Studying for the bar exam is law school purgatory.  I don't have anything to show for the past 4 years.  I hate when people ask me if I studied.  They can all buzz off for all I care.  I've been busting my tail.  The quality of my study has obviously been lacking.

     I am a fighter if nothing else.  I would rather swim than sink.  I am dying inside each day I face the burden of passing this test.  It is a slow and painful death.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm tired, frustrated, afraid, and hopeless.  I don't know how to change or where to find answers.  I wish I could move on to the next lesson.

     So this brings me back to the point of this post.  I do not presume to know what G-d cares or doesn't care about, at least I am not supposed to.  I know some serious skuzz buckets who passed this exam on the first try.  I never pretend that I am a good guy.  I am a person who struggles to do the right thing day in and day out. Sometimes I get it right. Other days I miss completely miss the mark.  But, I don't think that is what it is about. 

     I just don't know why G-d has chosen to afflict me so.  I will have to give it serious thought.  I don't want this to be the rest of my life.  There has to be more to it than this, otherwise why live?  This is not living. It's dying.

Damn it feels good to work

     As much as I complain about the lack of study hours, responsibility, and pay, I must admit It felt good to go into "work" today.  I got a call on my cell from an unrecognized number last evening.  I answered it, and it was the legal assistant from the place I "work."  I was thinking to myself "[w]hat the flip do these people want?"  I didn't think they were calling me into work.  I assumed they were calling me in to pick up my last check.  They asked me to come in and I did.

     Yesterday, I nearly went in to Macy's to apply for a clerical position.  The only thing impeding me was the fact my grandparents were awaiting a repairmen to come in for the clothes dryer.  They asked me to stay and so I thought I could hold it off until tommorrow. Fate had other plans.

     Today, I went in, took a pen and wrote the word "Gratitude" on my palm.  I looked at it constantly throughout the day as I filed and entered data.  It is easy to become encapsulated by our own situations and, in my case, the misery that surrounds it. But, I don't want to be a slave to my negative thoughts.
 
    I focused on my work.  I tried to use some positive affirmations to become the part as well.  I kept thinking to myself, "I am the greatest file clerk the world has ever known," "I am constantly coming up with brilliant solutions," "Hard work is always easy for me," "I love to enter data, file, fax, copy, and answer phones," etc. . . . Of course I don't beleive any of it, but If I can play the part, eventually I will act the part. 

    The busier you stay, the faster the time will go. I did that and made it through the day.

It could be worse

     I've been complaining to myself incessantly and cussing up a storm as of late as I mentioned previously. I can't blame anyone but me. Nonetheless, I am less than appreciative of the circumstances and I am not sure how to turn this into a positive or to look at it from a different perspective. But I was looking up something about positive affirmations on Youtube and I came across this guy, Nick Vujicic.  I've seen him before on T.V. Needless to say, this kind of thing will make anybody think twice about their situation. I could learn a thing or two from this guy.



Nick Vujicic 01/13 中文字幕 (life without limbs) 沒有四肢 力克

What kind of learner am I?

     I'm not really sure.  I have been giving this a trememdous amount of thought lately as I gear up to prepare for another run at the bar exam.  Conventional (and antiquated) wisdom produced three traditional categories of learners: Kinesthetic (learning by going through the motions), Auditory (learning from listenting), and Visual (learning from seeing), or some hybrid of the above styles.
   
     Au Contrare mon frere.  Further research suggests there are far more complex and various styles of learning than the traditional three.  This article is a good introduction to many of those categories.  They include people who are Musical, Verbal-linguistic, Logical-Mathematical, Spatial, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal, etc. . . . Read the article and pass it along.  It is very informative.


     I never quite figured it out in Law School.  There were times I used memory recall and I could successfully hear the voices and phrases of my teachers from specific lectures.  Unfortunately, there would be times where the information was in my mind but unbearably irretrievable.  I would sometimes study by repeating things to myself so many times I could not forget.  As much as I tried, I was never able to visualize pages and words I had read. 
     
      I've read somewhere that developing a strong memory has to do with developing strong synapses in the brain.  The more people commit something to memory, the stronger that connection is in the mind, thereby allowing the pathway to retrieve that information to be very strong and accessible.  Thus, when the mind needs to recall it, it will be easy to do because of connection that has been built to retrieve said piece of information.

     In, Law School, the fading moments of "glory" I had were during Appellate Advocacy, Moot Court, and Mock Trial.  When I tried for both the Moot Court and Mock Trial organizations, I researched, wrote my speeches, and physically went through the process of making my oral argument, opening statement, and direct examinations dozens of times over.  I got to the point where I could do an appellate argument for up to an hour if I went uninterrupted (which is rarely ever the case).  During my opening statement I had actually forgotten a peice of my presentation, but because I had gone over it so many times I was able to ad lib with something else that was relevant to get myself "over the hump."  The same went for competitions of the same nature.

     I learn new songs on my guitar sporadically.  I learn them best by playing them.  I don't exactly read music, and i only figure things out by ear on rare occasions.  I am definitely bodily-kinesthetic I think. I may also be Asbract-reflexive, inter alia.  This is a subject I certainly would like to bmore informed about.

The incredible shrinking man: Working out and studying for the bar exam

     I am starting to lose mass and slim down. Due to finances, I had to suspend my gym membership, I still run every few days, although my motivation is not as high as of late. My body is changing again and losing the shape I worked so hard to build. I will still exercise, but I won't have the option of lifting weights.

     I am uber intrigued with fitness and health.  The intrigue stems from my infatuation with the human body. It amazes me when I see the various shapes, shizes, tones, injuries, healings, etc. . . Consequently, I love working out. I go at it HARD. A sound body will help one to achieve sound spirit, mind, and soul.


     I have always been fairly active since my youth. The only time I didn't work out was when I was in Law School. First semester of first year, I woke up Monday through Friday at 4:30am. On those days, I showered, dressed, ate, read, went to the library, studied until class, went to class, went back to the library, studied until class, went to class, ate, went back to the library, until class, went to the library, ate again, went back to the library until closing time or very close to it, went home, read, went on the net/radio/or T.V. for a few minutes and went to bed. My weekends were similar, but they started around 9:00a.m. instead. The rest of my Law School career was similar to this though I could not sustain that first semester pace (especially when I saw the payoff was minimal).

     I didn't workout during those 2 1/2 years. I suffered indigestion from the campus food. I ate alot of junk food and fast food as well. I fluctuated anywhere from a slim 180 to a pretty heavy 212, though I was mostly in the middle. Mind you, I am about 5 '9. The summer before my last year, I decided I would get buff before I went to school. I lifted weights and put on about twelve pounds to reach that 212 lb total. I vowed to maintain it, but the 1 1/2 hour cummute each way obliterated those aspirations and that muscle went to crap. I changed my eating habits for my first go at the bar exam but I still did not exercise.  My weight reverted between 190-195 lbs.

     I decided to change things for my second bar exam approach as far as working out was a concern. I went to the gym and got evaluated. My body fat was around 23%. I've never had a body fat that high. I was afraid. I used to have a fear of being overweight. I was a pudgy kid until I hit age 10 or 11.  I didn't want to go back to that, but it looked as if I already had. I resolved to correct the issue.

     So, I vizualized the body I wanted. I alwasy kept that picture in mind. I found a plan and followed it, to a tee. I worked out seven days a week. I lifted weights three (3) days, I did additional calisthenics, and I did cardio 7 days a week. I would do hour long Spin/RPM classes three to four days a week. On alternate days I would jump rope, jog, or use a treadmill for 30 minutes.
     I worked my way to the best body I have ever had. My body fat was about 11%. I reached a weight of 172, my lowest since Highshool. I marveled at what I achieved in six to seven months. I have been much stronger in the past, and even had 10% body fat while I was younger.  I was able to bench press 270 lbs, which was a lot to me.  I could squat about 360 lbs I thinkg. I wasn't able to do those things this time, but it wasn't about that. This time it was about the physiqe as well as the overall fitness.  During those previous times, I didn't care about cardiovascular fitness, diet, or physiqe.  It was all about "Strength."  Thankfully, I evolved.

     Physical fitness is pretty important. I just have to set goals and a schedule. I have recently hit 50 consecutive pushups and reached 17 pullups, but it has been weeks since then. I have a good foundation I think. Physical fitness helps with endurance for studying and test taking. I will follow the 100 consecutive pushups plan either here and/or here. Also, I will work to achieve the 20 pullups plan and possibly a 30 pullup plan.  Maybe I can even get my running up to an hour instead of 25 minutes.

Inactivity, Cussing, Depression (not really), and seeking change

     I didn't really do anything today.  I checked out job listings on craigslist, I called two potential employers, and I e-mailed a job resume.  I read some bar exam related stuff about preparation, not really substance.  As a matter of fact, I have yet to really study.  I'm so uncertain as to my job and study plans.
   
     I don't really know how to describe my feelings.  I am a person of serious faith.  I consider myself to be very spiritual, though not religious.  I keep my language clean especially in the presence of others.  But I can tell you, since recieiving the news of my second bar exam failure, I have unleashed a serious fusillade of expletives.  I believe I have cussed more in the past eleven to twelve days than I have in the past five years.
   
     I am not one who really succumbs to depression, but I took a nap during the day today which I rarely ever do.  When I am alone, in silence, or in bed, all I keep thinking about are the problems I missed.  I keep wondering what I need to change.  I keep thinking to myself, "[w]hy can't I just be better?  I need to be better.  I have to change." 
    
    I NEED TO CHANGE.  G-d will not change.  The Universe will not change.  My circumstances will not change.  I NEED TO CHANGE.  I must be better.  How can I be better?  What is the next step?  Where can I find the answer to this question?

Job related woes

     I need money.  I haven't really called my "job" the past two days because I am tired of calling and being told "we're swamped over here son.  Just call us first thing in the morning and check in to see if we'll need ya."
    
     I want to get this thing right this time.  I'm hoping to relocate back to the county in which my school is in.  Frankly, I prefer there over here.  There is a dean at my former school who is a bar guru.  She is a member of the board of bar examiners, and is notorious for helping students pass.  I'm hoping she can help me cure my bar exam woes.  I have a friend with an extra room, but I will need to pay rent. 
    
     If I can't work that out, I'll need to find another job around here.  I'm afraid of getting something that will entail too much responsibility to the point where it will hinder my studies.  If I get too involved how am I going to be able to take time off to study?
    
     I don't mind menial labor, restaurant jobs aside.  I have a disdain for restaurant jobs because I sweat a lot, moreso than other people.  I'm in extremely good shape, so it's not a weight thing.  I've done restaurant work before.  I won't do it again. 
   
    Pay in Florida is another issue.  I still need to pay for a hotel, gas, and food as far as my bar exam related costs go. I was hobing to get this book, Strategies and Tactics for the MBE as well, and possibly hire a tutor.  I might have to pass on the tutor ordeal.  One told me he costs around $120 per session.
  
     I've applied with a temp agency, and I've called some other places.  I have had no luck thus far. Noone has any recommendations on where else to look.  This is has been difficult, but I hope something comes up soon.

Positive Affirmation/Positive Thinking for the Bar Exam

     I came across this article about using Positive affirmations to pass tests.  I do believe people can get themselves to achieve a higher levels with proper focus. Before knowing what they were, I successfully used positive affirmations in the past. For instance, when I participated in both Mock trial and Moot court drills and competitions in law schoo, I constantly repeated to myself “I am the greatest litigator this school has ever produced.”
    
     I must have repeated this to myself dozens to hundreds of times. I would walk around saying it to myself.  I looked atmyself in the mirror and said it.  I would eat and repeat the phrase to myself.  Sometimes people would look at me like I was a bit nutty.  Duh!  Why do you think I went to lawschool in the first place?

     I knew it wasn’t true. Nonetheless, I kept hearing that phrase in my mind and I carried myself and litigated accordingly (although fictitiously).  The phrase was so embedded in my mind I subconsciously strove to be the best I could be.  In fact, I took an Appellate Advocacy course for which I had to do a graded oral argument.  I had prepared vigorously, but was still uber nervous.  I constantly repeated that phrase, and I performed well.  One judge told me I was the best he had seen that year.  The other judges complimented me on my performance as well.  I did well in that course and almost got an A.

     If one creates enough expectancy, belief will always follow. This works both for good and for bad. That is why you see athletes achieve greatness; while there may be others who are as talented, top athletes possess extreme mental acuity. I once knew an athlete from the Bahamas who competed in one of the Olympic games. He explained how he was able to “visualize” the race from start to finish and that all athletes do the same.

     It is also why some battered spouses and prostitutes never leave the abusers they are with. They have gone their entire lives being told they are “worthless,” thus, they come to believe it and they start acting accordingly. I knew this law student I went to school with. He constantly complained about how his wife was going to leave, how his marriage was in shambles, and that his marriage would end at any time. He spoke of it all the time. So what did he do, he constantly flirted with woman, he hooked up with different girls WHO WERE NOT HIS WIFE, he got caught cheating, and his wife divorced him. He spoke about it so much that he believed it, and he conducted himself accordingly. 

     Don’t get me wrong. Positive thinking, in and of itself, will not get you all the way. But if properly used, it can help anyone achieve thier goals.

     These are some affirmations I am mulling over. These may be a bit unrealistic, but they will still serve the same purpose of helping me to be better.

 Positive Affirmations for the February Bar Exam:

• “I will score 400 scaled points on the Bar exam.”
• “I am a master of MBE Multiple choice questions.”
• “I am the greatest exam taker to ever live.”
• “I will record the highest Essay Scores for this Bar Exam.”
• “I will pass the February Bar exam.”
• “I am Smart.”
• “I have so much sex appeal the Florida Board of Bar Examiners will have to let me pass.”

I am laughing inside at the last one. What can I say? I am self amused at times.  Suggestions are welcomed.

Pros and Cons of failing the Bar exam

Here are some pros and cons of failing the bar exam:

• Pros
• You were there to set the curve for your freinds(,enemies, frenemies, and everyone else for that matter). 
• When your freinds pass, you can tell them "[they] couldn't have done it without you." I just found out one of my compatriots is making 6 figures as an insurance defense attorney.  Maybe I can garnish his wages because now he owes me for failing the bar.
• Failure breeds emotional growth (but only if you allow it to). 
• Sigmund Freud once said [That which does not kill you will only make you stronger].  This quote is obviously limited in the sense that there are some things people never recover from (like some car accidents).  Thankfully, we can recover from the bar exam, pass or fail.  The bar exam is not the end all be all.  The bar exam isn't "2012."  Seriously, its not the end of the world, and if you feel that way then make a new world. (What I mean by this is to change your perception of your life including your priorities).
• The next time you take the bar exam, you will have experience under your belt.
• I was on the phone breaking the news of my double bar flunkage to my freinds and peers.  I tend to be pretty sarcastic and optimistic in the same breath so this is one of the things I came up with this weekend.  Personally, I'll take the passing and the license over the experience all day any day.  But what is to be must be.
• It becomes easier to find your way to the Bar exam center (In my case the Tampa Convention Center).
• The first time I took the bar exam, I took a shuttle to the exam both days.  I had to find people in the same hotel to find my way back because I was afraid of getting lost.  The second time was a little better.  This time I will train.  I have been jogging and doing sprints.  The next time I go, I will be able to set a world record for my time to the convention center from the hotel.
• There is nowhere to go but up from here.
• I understand it could be worse, but I think I've hit rock bottom.  I've been through tougher situations, but I've never dealt with so much difficulty all at once.  Assuming this is rock bottom, I now have a firm foundation from which to build my way back up.
• Cons
• Debt, Debt, Debt,Debt, Debt! 
• My LSAT was low. I went to a Tier 4 school (or T 14 as some say) where tuition and cost of living was about $37,600 per year.  I am in 6 figures worth of debt nearly two times over, 95% of which is school and bar related.  I assumed I would pass on the first try and get a job and immediately begin paying off my debts.  I was wrong on both counts.  I had no credit card debt when I graduated law school.  But I do now because of unrelated psuedo emergencies.  What's there to worry about?
• I feel like I have lost so much of my time.  ("Tell them what they've won Bob!")
• "Time and tide waits for no man." -Geoffrey Chaucer- I went through a summer conditional program, 2 1/2 years of law school, and a year of bar exam study (give or take).  4 years later, the most profound thing I have to show is my debt.  I enjoyed learning the law, though law school was far from easy for me.  I spent hours upon hours heaped and hunched over a desk in a freezing cold library eating fast food and suffering indigestion.  I lost sleep and I made what i thought were sacrifices.  I don't beleive the payoff has been worth it.  I can't help but feel I could have done something better with myself and my time.  Was it worse for me to be born, or for me to go to lawschool?  I'm not sure. 
• I put off seeking a girlfriend, I have put off my freinds, family and Holidays.  I traded them for libraries, bookstores, coffe shops, multiple choice problems, essays, outlines, Bar/bri lectures and PMBR CD's.  My non law school and licensed J.D. friends have jobs, money, relationships, homes, and marriages.  I am relegated to a room in my grandparents' home (whom I love to death by the way), where I rely on them to help me out with my bills.  How do I keep from feeling like a mooch? 
• Oddly enough, I was out with friends this weekend.  One who just passed the bar but is awaiting a hearing with the board of bar examiners.  The other failed the bar exam, but he is getting a tax LLM at a top 5 tax program.  They too were questioning their decisions to go to law school.
• The Job market for lawyers is already bad, but much more so for nonlicensed J.D.s
• I am having similar experiences as Waitress, J.D. I thought it would be cake to find a legal clerk, or paralegal position until I passed the bar exam.  My experiences have proven otherwise.  As of now, I "clerk" for this lawyer down the street from my house.  I picked his firm because I knew a recent lawyer had dissociated from the firm and they needed some help.  My cousin and sister both worked there while in consecutive stings while they were in highschool.  I figured I could do a good job and maybe learn a thing or two.
• Alas, "[n]othing good comes easy." I should have known when I went in and he hired me 5 minutes later, something was up.  I was hired as an independent contractor so this guy wouldn't have to pay me benefits and it would lessen his taxes.  I am getting paid $11/hr and am responsible for my taxes.  "It's not so bad" I thought to myself.  I knew he had a reputation for being "economical" and I actually anticipated he would pay around $7.  I failed to realize minimum wage has risen to $7.25 since the days I was making $5.25 as a teenager; he is paying me $1 dollar more than he was paying my cousin who hadn't even graduated high school and I have a J.D. (Yayy!); while I began by working 40 + hours per week, he swiftly cut my hours to about 7-20 while he went on vacation for three weeks.  Now, I am supposed to call every day to see if they need me.  I haven't "worked" for a week because they haven't needed.
• He is a businessman, and this is business so I don't fault him.  If I had the chance, I would be be out of there so quick because "this is business."  I'm not too proud to call in or anything like that. I keep doing it, but frankly I'm tired of the job.  Save, learning some Personal Injury jargon, I haven't learned jack.  All I do is file, copy, fax, scan, enter data, and answer phones.  I am putting in earnest effort, but I know I don't want to start a career there, they are not looking for new lawyers, and I don't really feel welcome.
• The endless barrage and bombardment of Cliches
• This may be the worst part of failing the bar.  Everytime I talk to my family and friends they attempt to be both sympathetic and/or empathetic to my "plight."  But, they don't really know what to say or exactly how you feel, even though most of them have been through worse scenarios.  Yet they feel a need to say something.  I would rather they not.  Often times, silence is golden.  It's nice to sit and reflect or just chill at times.  Still, under the guise of obligation they say things like "[i] know how you feel," and "It's going to be okay. You just pick yourself up and keep going." Others have said "[y]ou'll be better off for this," "[t]here is a reason for everything," "Who knows? Maybe you'll meet your future wife the next time you take the test." Here is one my personal favorites: "What do you call the guy to flunk the bar exam X amount of times who finally passes? Esquire." 
• I am guilty of the same kind of things.  These people all mean well.  I would probably be saying the same kinds of things.  In fact, my writing is "chock full" of cliches." My mom believes in me.  She said "I just know you'll pass this time. I feel it in my spirit." The problem is she had that same feeling the last time.  I don't feel any better for having heard any of these cliches.  I don't fault any of them for it, but it is pretty tiresome to hear the same kind of stuff over and over, where there is no rational basis for it. (See that! I'm "thinking like a lawyer.") Yet again, I'm laughing inside.
• Having to see the same faces over and over again
• For every administration, my school gives free lunches and the same ladies from the job placement office are there everytime without fail.  Last time I had to see the people who started Law School with me, who knew I graduated a semester early and was taking the exam a second time. Now, I will have to see the students who graduated the year after I did who will know I am taking the exam a third time. What a priceless feeling. I'm laughing inside yet again.  Oh well.  As they say in the official tongue of my ancestors "C'est la vie, n'est ce pas?"
• That is one of the the great things about the Florida Bar Exam. Instead of having multiple locations for the exam like most considerate states do, they are one of the only states to force takers to go the same exact place every year.  For a repeater, this can be agonizing.  "Thank you so much Florida Board of Bar examiners. I'm glad you guys care so much about me."

Failing the bar( twice): What's so bad about it?

       I remember thinking those exact thoughts as I walked into the Florida bar exam for the first time in Feburary of '09.  I saw the pissed faces of people I knew to be repeaters and I didn't have foresight to think what it must have been like to be in their shoes.  I have failed the Florida Bar Exam twice now. 
    
     The first failure was very emotionally taxing.  I kept telling myself I was going to pass so much, I actually believed I could not fail.  I'm not so sure that is a completely bad thing.  In order to achieve a goal, one must create an expectancy, or a belief that such a thing is within the realm of possibility.  However, because I was on such an emotional and confident high, when I failed my emotional drop off from knowing I passed to actually failing was tremendous.
 
       I felt embarassed, isolated, DUMB, frustrated, anxious, angry, inter alia.  There was noone to blame but me.  So I asked myself then, as I do until this day, "[w]hy couldn't I just be better?"  I realize the bar exam is not a test of my IQ, and everyone who fails should realize this.  Even so, it is difficult to separate the two, especially the first time around.
    
     The second failure hurt, but very minimally.  This time, I focused on detaching myself from the outcome.  I focused on preparation, avoiding thoughts of results.  My preparation, no matter how good or bad, is the only thing I control.  I cannot control the results.  Additionally, the happenstance of my previous failure forced me not to take passage or failure for granted.  Generally, failure breeds maturity for those who allow it to serve such a function.  So when I got my failing results for the second time, it was not "out of left field." Of course, I couldn't detach myself from the whole situation. That would mean complete apathy and lackadaisical preparation (if any at all).
 
     Failing the bar is a big deal, at least from my perspective.  Like I told a friend, "My shame and dignity went out of the window the first time I failed."  One of the gravest mistakes I made was thinking "[i]t's just a test."  It may be a test, but it is one with many implications tied to it especially in the current economic climate.  My current job situation is not an evyable one to say the least, although I am not sure if a J.D. would be the ultimate solution.  The market is still tough on licensed J.D.s.
   
     I'm not sure how people or employers perceive bar flunkees.  But I'm not worried about that.  Champions and winners are defined by their actions in the face of defeat.  Failures are those who at least make an effort to achieve a goal.  Worse off, are those who do not even dare to dream.  At the end of the day, I know I am trying tremendously hard.  At least I can say that for myself.  I think my failures are more of an indicator as to the quality of my preparation as opposed to the quantity or lack thereof.  For every problem, there is a solution.  That is what i seek.

Success is achieved one increment at a time

      I often tell myself "Success is achieved one increment at a time."  The increment depends on the task.  For runners it could be one step or breath.

For weightlifters it could be one exercise, repitition, or set.  I have yet to start studying, but I want to do one thing to further my goal of passing the bar everyday.  I find writing my goals makes them more finite and more binding.

      These are the list of things I plan to do today:  (1) Fill out my temporary employment application and forms, (2) Renege my invite to J's wedding in Philly, (3) Text AGH my e-mail for the bar exam study schedule, (4) listen to one of those PMBR lecture CDs (probably Evidence since I already started listenting to it), (5) Read some sort of bar exam outlines (6) Do 20 Multiple State Questions for the MBE and 20 more for the State, as well as one essay, (7) Come up with an exercise schedule, (8) Go for a jog, (9) Go to church (It is sunday).
 
      I mailed in my repeat application for the next administration of the exam this Friday.  I had to pay $575. I was not thrilled.  The repeat application was $450 this time.  For some reason I recall it being $375 last time. I handwrote the previous two exams, but I decided to at least have the option of typing this time. Consequently, there is a typing fee of $125.  Yayy!!! 

     I handwrote all my exams in lawschool.  I write fairly well and fluidly, but I type much faster.  The pros of typing v. writing seem balanced in favor of typing so I will give it a shot.  Oh well.  That is just one of the perks of failing the bar exam, you get to support the board of bar examiners by fattening up their pockets with these administration fees.

    I have to save about x amount of money for me to survive this go around.  That exam fee was a big hit on my reserve so I could really use this temp work hopefully for a month or so.  It pays about $20 per hour.  That should allow me to save what I need.  It is the infamous document review job for attorneys.  Most unlicensed law grads probably know about it.  The market out here is tough as I'm sure it is in most parts of the world right now.  This may be a bit of relief from my current situation.

     I was really hoping to go to J's wedding.  She is great.  But with my current economic status, I just cannot.  The bar exam fees hit me hard, and the contract work I am doing now is not as steady as I would like it to be.  I will probably post again after I finish all those above enumerated tasks. À bientôt, j'espère

Off to the Races

     Hey there. I've read several blogs about people who have gone through similar experiences with failing their bar examinations. Most of the bloggers were people who took the bar in California, New York, Colorado, etc. . . I found it odd that noone from Florida has written such a blog although I've read a post about the Florida Bar from a blogger whose account was later deleted.
     I wonder If that is cause for worry. I didn't see anything on the website for the Florida Bar which would lead me to believe I cannot blog. However, the Florida Board of Bar Examiners has considered (if not undertaken) a quest to gain access to applicants' cyber social networks (i.e. Facebook, myspace, etc. . .). I would not be surprised if a blog would fall into their definition of a social network. I certainly do not plan on defaming them, so when they inevitably find this blog, I do not believe I will be in any danger (at least not professionally).
    Primarily, I hope this journal/blog will be helpful to me and others in a similar spot who seek to avoid my mistakes.  I also hope this will be therapuetic.  I keep a journal and the more I write about whatever problems or circumstances I am faced with, the easier it becomes to deal with said problems and circumstances.  As thinking creatures, the more we think about things requiring resolution, the more likely it will become to formulate a resolution. More to come.