Merry Christmas! :-)

I am just chiming in to say Merry Christmas.   For my family and I, this is a time we use to reflect on our blessings.  Please, use this time and do the same.  The glass cannot always be half empty.  So focus on your loved ones, those who love you, your friends, etc. . . and remember why you love them and how they have loved you regardless of the failures and faults that exist.  If you don't have any loved ones, well . . . remember why you love yourself and reflect on how you will make yourself better this upcoming year.  Best regards and may G-d bless you all.

Slim fit jeans not such a slim fit; Bodyrocking

       The title says it all. I am a fitness freak.  I love human bodies in all shapes and sizes for their aesthetics, strength, flexibility, and all the incredible feats a human body is capable of.  I love to stay in shape too if possible.  I  had to quit my gym membership at one of the local gyms here because it was way too expensive given my current situation.  To me, it was worth the money but I just could not pay it. 

    Fortunately, I was able to replace it with a cheaper and more affordable one.  Mind you I have had a lay off of about a month or so from working out.  Aside from not having a gym membership I was in a poor mental frame which made it difficult to workout.  However, my slim (not skinny) fit jeans changed my mind.

    I tried on my slim jeans a week or two ago and they fit uncomfortably.  It is a wake up call.  I don't want to be in irredeemable shape (not that such a state exists) before I have to trudge my way back into shape again.  I have been through that cyle a handful of times and it is tough.  However, I refuse to spend hours and hours in the gym again like I previously did.  Don't get me wrong.  I love to workout and I love spending hours in the gym.  However, i would rather use that time to do other things like study. So what am I supposed to do?

Here is the answer:

Meet Frederick and Zuzana light.  They run a website and a vlog called Bodyrock.tv. On this vlog they mainly talk about fitness.  Zuzana is the main subject of the videos and she always demonstrates the workouts and gives fitness insights.  The best part is the workouts are really short.  They are usually anywhere from 4- 30 minutes.  They are full body workouts, and they are super intense.  Along with the workouts, there is a great supportive community (of which I am a new member); Zuzana, Freddie, and other community members offer recipes, inspirational stories, and discussions about travel. 

      So, I have traditionally been a weightlifting and heavy cardio type of guy in the past.  I really aim for the V shape and I have always wanted to be ripped.  But, Zuzana's body says it all:

She has the best physique in terms of fitness I have ever seen for a female.  If she can do that, I am excited to see how far I can get as well.  Most of the workouts require little or no equipment; they are short; they burn tons of fat, they increase strength, and they increase flexibility.  Its a win win, no?

     What does this have to do with the bar exam? Don't forget, working out is good for memory and it helps the brain to function better overall by increase blood flow and circulation to the brain.  I am already seeing results after a week or so of workouts.  Check it out when you guys have a chance.  She does all of her workouts from home.  Her intention is actually to start a home workout movement.  Ironically enough, because of my situation, I do these workouts at my gym.  Go figure.

I want to move

     Of course, it is the most wonderful time of the year, right?  Here in the transient, retirement, and commuter state of Florida, the "snowbirds" are coming back down; traffic is increasing; vacation and seasonal homes are filling up; Commercial services, retailers, and service industries are booming; and natives along with former natives are coming back into town.  Ode to joy.

     I obviously moved back to the town I am from because my family lives here.  I am not necessarily in a position to up and move right now and i am lucky to have a place to stay.  Nonetheless, every year around this time, I always end up running into some "kid" or two I used to know.  I was a semi-popular kid for whatever it's worth.  But at the end of the day, that counts for jackspit.  I don't like to visit the past.  In fact, I like the past right where it is, "in the past!" Better yet, I would love to erase some of the past if that was possible and start from scratch.

     I am a way different person now then I was back then.  I have grown by leaps and bounds.  I LOVE DISCRETION. I like to keep my business in house.  I want to be out of sight, thus out of mind.  I like things to be uneventful, smoothe, and under control.  When things the waves come in, I like to go with the flow for the most part.

    It's always around this time that I run into these people, gossip mongers and people who still think I am 14, and usually pointless conversations ensue.  Conversations always go something like:

• Some kid: Hi (lowly file clerk/J.D.)
• Me: Hey. How are you?
• Some kid: Good. What have you been up to?
• Me: Not much. You know, this and that.
• Some kid: What are you doing now.
• Me: Oh not much of anything. Like I said.
• Some kid: Oh.  Do you still keep in touch with so and so?
• Me: Who? Sorry, I don't remember who that is.
• Some kid: Okay. I'm sure I'll see you around.
• Me: Indeed.

     I am no psychologist, but it doesn't take one to know certain people do not have your back, and those same people don't have your best interest at hand.  You can get a sense from past interactions, they way they look at you, the things they say to you, etc. . .  All jokes aside, these people can be detrimental and dangerous.  Character assasination, when people gossip about you and spread rumors about you can be difficult to recover from. 

     I've never really had to face anything like that, but that is because I keep to myself and I have a very small tight knit circle of friends. True friends are nearly impossible to come by, so when you find them reciprocate the love and keep them.  Let them know you have their backs. Look out for them as you expect them to look out for you.

    The thing about the past and the people in it is many times these people want to chain you to your past. People evolve, almost daily. We develop different tastes. We grow to love and hate. We form and unform different relationships. People are complex evolving organisms always adapting and everchanging. To think you have someone pegged down is often a mistake. People will surprise you. The best expectations are no expectations.  Don't be tied down to your past and the people in it.  Allow yourself the freedom to grow and to be better.

MBE Strategy Dilemma?

     Everything is moving along.  I am a far cry from the whining cry baby who felt so sorry for himself just a few weeks ago.  Reality has galvanized me.  Every day I turn on my computer, I see the days on the countdown timer winding down.   Watching those days disappear is a gutcheck every single time.

     I can't emphasize this enough, but "I am a fighter."  It is one thing if I get beat, but it is another thing if I get beat and don't put up a fight.  Life is a series of beatings, and we are judged by our ability to recover from them.  This includes the beatdown I have twice taken called the bar exam.  It is a necessary adversary and I will do my best to overcome it.

     My confidence is growing as far as my test preparation is concerned.  My adopted strategy of writing out the answers has really helped me to improve my practice percentages and overall recognition, and memorization of the law.  However, the answer writeups are taking much longer than I would like.  As I posted previously, I have adopted a strategy of taking chunks of MBE questions under heightened time constraints (90 seconds instead of 108 seconds per question), reviewing my answers to see where I went wrong or where I got lucky, and writing out the rules to those answers by hand or by typing. 

     I have recently been doing them by hand.  This is great, because I am forced to pay attention to what i am writing thus reading and engraving said rules in my brain. Typing, has a similar effect but it is easier to type something without paying as much attention to it.  But even with typing, familiarity still increases. But for people who type faster then they write, this may save 1/3 or more of your time when doing write ups.   So my dilemma is this: Do I type to cover more questions thus giving me more overall familiarity with questions and question types; or should I sacrifice a little speed for more in depth familiarity with the law and certain question types?

     I read in a successful repeater's blog, it may take 2 to three times as much time to do a writeup review of your answers as it does to take a set number of MBE practice problems.  I have found this to be true.  Couple this with the fact I am now doing MBE questions at a clip of 100 questions.  I gave myself 2 1/2 hours to do the test under a heightened time constraint.  However, it still took about 3 to completely finish.

     The weaker your familiarity is with the subject, the longer your writeup will be.  Although, this is said to get much easier as you grow in familiarity with previous mistakes and start to score more efficiently.  For instance, I did very well in torts in law school and I understand it well.  I did horrible in Contracts.  I was able to finish my torts write up for 100 questions and about 34 misses in about 5-7 hours.  My write up for 100 contracts questions and 33 misses took me nearly 9 hours.  I handwrote both of these.

     This is a matter of bar exam strategy.  As of now, the Florida Board of Bar Examiners allows bar exam takers to pass either the state or MBE portion of the exam and fail the other portion.  If this happens, an applicant can still pass with enough aggregated points from the combined state and MBE scores.  If the applicant does not have enough aggregated points, he or she may retake the exam portion they failed and carry over the score from the portion they passed on the previous examination.

    As for my MBE I was 2-5 questions away from passing on both exams.  I believe this write up strategy will get me over the top and allow me to score the extra points I need to pass.  So, based on my previous MBE scores and my increased knowledge and familiarity, I should pass whether I type or handwrite my MBE practice writeups.  However, I still need to get as many points as I can to try to help me on the state portion.

     I have been much weaker on my state portions in the past most especially on my essay scores.  Most of this has to do with a lack of strategy, lack of practice, and poor practice performance. My newly adopted essay strategy will increase my score.  In fact, it should increase it enough to help me pass.  But, I don't want to take any chances.  I will have to weigh the merits of my MBE strategies and modify accordingly.  I'll have to think this out today and make a move.

Essay study help. I seem to be more kinisthetic than I thought.

     I just wanted to share a quick essay tip I have recently taken to.  Basically, the crux of the tip is writing out the rules in an model essay answer out by hand.  This is a tip my a few friends of mine, one who passed the Florida bar (and New York I think), and another who passed Tennessee.  I have read about similar though modified strategies elsewhere.  My compatriots  read essay questions, read the answers, and wrote the answers by hand.  One of them said they would read the answers and try to issue spot while the other said she did not.

    So, I have incorporated this into my studying.  I will read a question in a timeframe of 15 minutes and I will try to issue spot for 5 minutes and outline if I can within that same 5 minutes.  By writing the essays out a mere two times, I have been able to memorize so much more of the information.  By reading what I write, I have been forced to synthesize the information into my mind.  This tip may just be what I need to put me over the top this time.  This revelation is a much needed boost to my confidence.  Additionally, I will reread the fact pattern with the same time constraints and attempt to formulate the essay outline to be close to the model answer I previously read.

    I tried this techinqe starting out with Business entities.  The reason I began with this topic is because it is first alphabetically in my Bar/bri materials.  For anyone who has taken or studied for Florida, this is not a topic they have tested in the last 12-20 years as an essay topic.  But, you can never be too careful.  This techniqe has helped familiarize myself with possible issues as a pattern begins to emerge if you do enough of them.  Also, the constant reading and subsequent writing of the rules has helped me to remember them much more than anything else I have done concerning my bar studies or law school for that matter.

     In the past when practicing essays,  I would read the information and hold my self to some fictitious honor code where I could not use an outline and where I had to remember what I just read without reference.  Sure, it works, but not as well or as quickly as this new strategy seems to be working (at least in my case).  I think it has a lot to do with my learning style.  Good thing I finally seemed to have figured this out, although it has been 29 years in coming.

    In fact, I might even incorporate this into my MBE studies.  As of the moment, my MBE strategy is to do the problems under heightened time constratints, and to review the answers and explanations by typing them out on a google document.  However, writing takes me longer but it may be more beneficial.  It is something to consider, although it would cost me more time in reviewing if I do this way thus preventing me from being able to do more problems.
 
     Wow, I am really excited.  Maybe you can tell from the rambling I just did in this post.  But, remember this.  When it comes to studying, everyone seems to have a suggestion and they are almost all different.  What works for one person may not work others.  This tip is probably useless for some and great for others.  So, I hope this will help someone as well as myself.  Do what is best and most suited for you. Do whatever it takes to find out what that is.

The journey of 1,000 miles. . . .; Volunteering at the State Attorney's?

     "The journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step."  That is a quote attributed to Confucius, an ancient Chinese philosopher.  It is very similar to a saying I like to use, "Success is achieved one increment at a time."  I though I was being original and clever, but it seems Confucius beat me to the punch.
    
      I pray my thousand mile journey (insofar as this exam is concerned) is near completion.  I've been plugging away each day putting in 7-8 hour days as of now.  I am focused and not as distracted as I have been recently.  Hopefully, I am making a push for the last leg of this marathon.

     A few weeks ago I went in to the office of the State attorney for the county in which I reside.  Someone suggested I volunteer there so as not to continue wasting away in my home.  Actually, many people have suggested this move to me over the past year and a half.  I finally decided I should give it a go. I went in and filled out all of my paperwork and the director in charge of volunteers seemed really nice.

    I was hesitant to go for a few reasons: for starters and most obviously, I don't have a license; secondly, I applied there for an internship previously but rejected it for a chance to intern for an appellate judge and I thought it might be a bit awkward asking the same lady for the same position which I previously accepted and subsequently turned down; and thirdly, I guess I have embarassment issues for this Bar exam scenario. 

     The county was recently on a hiring freeze.  I assumed I would pass my bar exam and I would volunteer, instead as a licensed attorney.  Many have told me this is a near surefire way to get a job (assuming you pass the bar exam of course).  The logic behind this theory is if you volunteer, you get to know people and you get training and you will be handling actual cases.  Thus, when an opening is presented the volunteer does not need to be trained and they are given preference when it comes to hiring new attorneys.  This works well for both the state and public defenders, as I have been informed.

     Anyways, I went in because I have nothing to lose really.  I explained my situation and turned in my resume.  The lady, with whom I spoke (the same one I spoke with a year or so ago) explained there was nothing to be ashamed about.  This kind of stuff happens to many people.  She told me of a prosecutor who passed on his fifth attempt.  I took it all in.  I didn't say much on the matter, but it was kind of her to try to encourage me (unfortunately at the expense of some of her employees or co-workers).

     I initially was never the type of person who would ever consider working for the State Attorney's office.  In fact, I was anti State attorney's.  I had a disdain for police officers.  I have had several traumatic experiences.  I am no thug or criminal.  I am the type of person who tries to stay low key.  "Uneventful" is one of my favorite words.  Anyways,  I grew to abhor police officers and what I assumed they represented.  It was for this reason I didn't want to be a State Attorney.  I have recently grown out of this trend for various reasons.  While police will never represent protection or heroism to me, I understand they have a job to do, one that is dangerous and taxing at that.  Maybe I will post about this issue of police some other time.  I could go on for hours. 

     Returning to the issue of the State attorney, there was something once said to me concerning the job of a state attorney which stuck.  I was listening to a guest judge for a mock-trial practice.  He was a prosecutor and he said [a prosecutor who does his job correctly is also a defender of the public].  He talked about a prosecutor's duty to investigate and using discretion in choosing cases.  He also talked about how some try to abuse their power by putting "notches on their belts" or by taking cases to get "wins" under their belts regardless of whether they truly thought the person deserved to be tried.  It was profound and these are words I will never forget as it caused me to look at prosecutors in a new light.

   I was actually told to come back to the state attorney's in March after I take the exam.  The director explained to me [If you come in now, you'll be hear for a month.  Then you'll have to leave to study and leave for a month before you return.  If you come here, you will work. I'll pair you up with an attorney, and you will be come very involved in case preparation.  The attorney will come to rely on you heavily]. So for that reason she said it was probably best I come in after I take the exam.  I agreed.  I am looking forward to it.

P.S. an added benefit for those of you still studying for the bar is that a job with the Public Defender's, State Attorney's, Legal aid, etc. . .  will help you get acquainted with criminal procedure, criminal law, evidence, civil procedure, etc. . . . depending of course on where you work/volunteer.  This may help some of you to cement some of these concepts in your minds.  Its food for thought. 

I refuse to be pathetic any longer. The countdown is on.

      I've never had this problem before.  I am usually like a basketball because I "bounce" right back from dissapointments. I don't know why this has been so hard.  I have been through way more difficult situations  life.  Famlily deaths, poverty, family divorces, rejections, betrayals, embarassment, scores of faiulres, discrimination, heartache multiple times over, etc. . . In the grand scheme of things, this pales in comparison.  But this one has felt like the most devastating for some reason and I really don't know why.

      Over the past couple of months I have gone from moping, to complaining, to whining, to battling depression, to being anxious, to being fearful, to feeling scared, to feeling overwhelmed, to feeling helpless, to feeling despaired, to feeling angry, so on and so forth.  I can't live like this.  This is not life.  This is death of my mind, body, and spirit.  I barely recognize who I am anymore. 

     I stopped working out, I was eating junk, and I was watching tons of T.V. instead of reading.  I stopped going out.  I have been avoiding hanging out or even talking to friends for that matter.  This scenario has robbed me of my personality.  I seem to have lost my clarity, purpose, and determination.  I lost my feistiness, my willingness to battle against all odds.  I can't even recognize my conversations anymore.  I used to be so positive, but now I don't even recognize my own words or lack thereof.  My thoughtlife has taken a negative turn with the focus being me and this exam.  That is plain self centered and egotistical.

      This is flipping pathetic.  I refuse to be like this any more.  It has to change.  I can't take the bar exam like this.  I would be better off not even going because I would have already flunked myself with that mindframe.  I have to fight.  I refuse to go out like this.  G-d forbid I am not capable.  If that is the case then the situation will work itself out.  But even so, I have to go out fighting.

      I have to take a stand now.  Time is short and it waits for no man.  I've got give this thing a push for my sanity's sake, for my family's sake.   Far worse off would I be if I gave this thing a minimalist effort. 

      In the time I have left,  I vow to make every effort to work towards my goal for each remaining day I have.  The fact I have put it in writing will make it binding.  I have less than 3 months to do this.  I must hit the proverbial "gas pedal."  My effort is all I control at this point.

Do not be your own worst enemy; Petyon Manning's edge

     I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine who just moved back in to town.  One thing led to another then he asked what I needed to do to pass this test. I replied "I need a brain transplant."  I have a tendancy to be pretty self-depricating.  Maybe it is a defense mechanism to avoid the tension of serious issues.  I am getting better in that department though.  The older I grow the more I realize "less is more" when it comes to the quality of words.  Yet, there were sometimes during this dilemma where I have seriously questioned whether or not I even possess average Intelligence.

     Self Defeatism is the worst possible hindrance to achieving any goal.  Nearly everyone has doubts at some point even about themselves.  But if I don't believe in me, who else will? In fact, why should I expect anyone else to believe in me if I don't believe in myself? 

     What if Peyton Manning was in the Locker room thought about how he didn't want to play football and that he wasn't the best? What if he whined about it all day?  What if he complained about how slow he is and how his team is not necessarily the most talented on either side of the ball?  He wouldn't be who he is today?  I am not colts fan, but I acknowledge Mr. Manning as a potential Hall of famer and possibly one of the best ever.

    What sets Manning apart? It's not his arm.  Sure it helps to have a rocket arm like he has. But, at least a dozen or more quarterbacks playing in the NFL have that.  It is not his athleticism.  While he has good foot work, his coordination is not the best or even really good for that matter.  I would venture to say Manning is probably in the bottom third or at least half for athleticism at his position.  The difference is his work ethic, which leads to his self confidence.

   Manning is renowned for his work ethic.  This gives him a mental edge and a competitive toughness.  While I do believe most uber successful athletes probably have some form of OCD, Manning's work ethic is incomparable or so it is said.  It is the stuff of legends.  He believes in himself.  Granted, he may have many advantages (like the wisdom of a hall of fame quarterback father) he was willing to make the most of them. 

     Anyway, my point is that Peyton Manning works hard and he believes in himself (or that is the wide perception).  Most, if not all, successful people believe in themselves.  Sometimes people get lucky and may strike success on accident, but that is rare.  Manning already has enough detractors and adversaries on the field.  He is not willing to  be one himself.

     As applied to this situation, so what if people look down on me?  I haven't really noticed that.  Even if I did notice people looking down on me, I refuse to associate myself with someone like that.  I am a real person with real feelings.  My friends are the same.  I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, but my friends all understand there are ups and downs to life. 

     Like Dan Gilbert said "You got to die before you go to Heaven."  Point to people who haven't gone through adversity in life, and it is almost a sure bet the people you are pointing to will have little or no character.  Suffering breeds character.  Humilliation breeds humility.  That is just the way it is, the way it's always been.

      This whole thing is very draining emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I failed this test all my friends have passed. People are passing at a rate of nearly 80 % on the first try. Sometimes, this makes my heartache; other days it causes me to get super frustrated; and yet other days I just wonder "what's wrong with me?" I can't dwell on this or it will be the death of me (on the inside).



    I am a fighter through and through. I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and attack them head on. I am not helpless. None of us are. I will see this thing out no matter what it takes. I just keep telling myself "I can do this." Why? Because I know I can.  I have come moderately close before, so I know I can do this. So when I start to feel anxiety, depression, or frustration I keep telling myself "I know I can pass."
   
     I have to say my studying has been easier as of late.  I have come to terms with my situation.  I need to stay out of my own way.  I was getting in my own way by focusing on everything that is wrong.  That's usually what so called realists/pessimists call reality.  How far will that take me though? Nowhere.  Even if I had an answer to such a question, I don't suspect it would change much of anything.  Hope will take me much further than doubt ever can.  It might not take me all the way, but it is a start.

Failing the Bar Exam by 40 points then passing

     I came across this post on the studyfor.com bar exam forum.  It is very inspirational.  The initial poster is asking if he/she is an idiot because they failed the bar exam.  The next poster responded by giving an account by another bar taker.  Here it is:

[Post Title by Initial Poster] "I failed my Ohio Bar, am I an idiot?"

Initial Poster: I hear people failing CA bar and NY bar all the time, but I failed Ohio bar exam!!!! what should I do?


Responder: no, you are not


here is a nice failing story I read online by an anonymous

i would like to let everyone know whose failed the bar exam by more than 40 points that it's still possible to pass. let me explain.

i failed the july '06 ohio bar exam by just more than 40 points (see my post, OH! in ohio, on 10/30/06). having failed by so much, and knowing that i would only have 6 weeks to study the second time around, i figured i was doomed. i realized that i had to make dramatic changes to my study approach before tackling the bar again.

i started by telling my employer that i absolutely needed 6 weeks to study. my employer understood, and i then purchased the barbri home-study course along with thousands of blank notecards.

i formed and stuck by a very regimented study plan for those 6 weeks. i would from 7:30-11:30, take a 1.5 hour break for working out and lunch, study from 1-6, take and hour dinner, and then study from 7 to 9. i kept this routine every day (no kidding!) for the entire 6 weeks.

as for the nitty gritty details of studying, i started by making outlines for every subject tested. i only watched dvd lectures for those subjects which i hadn't taken in law school (5 of them) or had bombed royally on the july exam.

after about 1.5 weeks of making outlines, i would do 100 mbe questions each morning and then thoroughly review the ones i missed. in the afternoon, i would make flashcards based off of my outlines and then memorize the law the rest of the day. i repeated this cycle until there were about 2.5 weeks until the exam.

with about 2.5 weeks remaining, i continued with 100 mbe questions in the mornings. in the afternoons, i would do about 6-10 practice essays. in the evening, i would review my flashcards.

i continued this cycle until the weekend prior to the bar, when i then spent 3 days practicing MPTs.

i actually ended up getting sick the night before the bar exam and for the duration of the test. i just powered through the exam, though, motivated by fear, anxiety, whatever.

when the exam was finished, i felt much better than i did in july, but still no certain that i passed. well, just three days ago, i learned that i passed by a whopping 3.5 points! it turns out that i bombed the mbe (a 131) but did well on the written portions.

in hindsight, i feel the most helpful component of my studying was the flashcards. when i was writing the essays, i had the black letter at the tip of fingers and scribbled out everything i knew, even if i didn't know the exact rule the answer was looking for. i just tried to show the examiners that i knew the buzz words, the general concepts, etc.

so, i really want to first say how grateful i am for this blog. i've read it regularly since taking the bar in february, and have found much comfort and reassurance in doing so.

i really think the key to passing the bar is simply putting in the time, staying focused, and keeping a positive attitude. i don't think i need to tell everyone what a giant relief it is to finally have passed this hurdle. know that if you stay focused, persistent, and optimistic, you will pass the bar.

best to everyone!!

     This examinee seems to be referring to scaled points as opposed to raw points. The perseverance is admirable.  This person just attacked their studies with intensity.  This kind of turn around for a self studier is astounding.  I hope this will help someone out, because it has done so for me.

Re-motivated

     I have been suffering from a loss of motivation.  But, I have regained some perspective and motivation. My family believes in me and is supporting me all the way.  I haven't really been able to appreciate it until now.

     My family is pretty large, and one or several of my family member offer me encouraging words everyday. I haven't really been willing to listen. What really made this set in was this car I have and a credit card bill.  I have a car I bought a few months ago and it was in the shop getting repaired. I also had a pretty large credit card bill. 

    My economic situation is to the point where I had to leave the car at the mechanics because I was short on cash.  The credit card bill was also rather mountainous.  My family helped me to handle both of these things.  I didn't deserve it. I didn't ask for. I'm nowhere near perfect. Despite any of that, they love me, believe in me, and support me (even when my self belief was waning).

     I have to make the most of this opportunity.  Yes, the opportunity still exists. I don't want to let them down by giving a porous effort.  I have to fight and If I go down again, that is the only way I will go down. If nothing else, I am a fighter and have been all of my life.  It is the only way I know how to conduct myself.  I owe them some much thanks and gratitude.  To them, I am truly indebted.

5 Stages of Death and the Bar Exam

     How is that for a dramatic title?  I love the show "House: M.D."  The main character, Dr. House, discussed this particular phrase during an episode.  I don't quite recall who or why he was using it.  The phrase is also know as the five stages of grief; the five stages of loss; or the Kübler-Ross model.  It is a pretty well known concept.  What well known thing would be complete without a Wikipedia page? 

     The five stages of death progresses in this order:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining 
4. Depression 
5. Acceptance

     I have been thinking about the five stages of death and how it relates to the bar exam.  I believe I have gone through a similar progression each time I failed the Bar exam and during other times in my life. It is okay to grieve. It is a natural human emotion. By no means do I aspire to a philosophy of Stoicism. I need to process and deal with things properly, instead of hiding them away until they eventually boil over. But that does not mean I seek confrontation.

   Here are some specific examples of how I went through the stages:



Denial?

     I guess the denial came into play when I got the failure letters.  Both times, I quintuple-checked my applicant number to see if it correctly matched the failing results released on the computer.  I was even praying my results on the computer were incorrect, and that somehow I would get a passing grade via mail.

     Anger?
    
     I was mad at was myself.  The first time, I was so mad I wasted time attending all those Bar/bri lectures.  It was poor usage of time for me as learning goes.  Many of my friends felt the same way about the lectures.  The difference is, they had the courage to stop going and they passed.  I beat myself up figuratively for not being smart enough, not pulling all nighters, et cetera. I complained about all the money I spent on hotels, gas, food and the likes.  I didn't mean to complain really. I know some of that is incidental and unavoidable.

    Bargaining? 

     I begged G-d to cut me some slack and to free me from the bondage of Murphy's law.  I am not quite sure he heard that.  I'm still waiting.  In fact, it seems like I've been waiting all my life for that one.

    Depression

     That's easy.  This scenario has turned out to be the Bar Exam version of "Groundhog's day" with Bill Murray.  I have been reading the same books, answering the same problems or types of problems, and going to the same places to study.  I have been having the same conversations about the same subjects.  I have heard the same awkward pleasantries, cliches, and trite phrases from the same sets of people now for the past year now.  The difference is that it is a lot harder to remeber why I am doing this as each day passes.  Motivation is easy lose when life keeps throwing the same right hand upper-cut; breaking the same nose in the same spot; and stabbing the brain with that same exact nose bone.

     Acceptance

    I think I hit acceptance today or at some recent point.  It just comes eventually.  It is that point where you pick yourself up by the "boot straps" so to speak and you prepare yourself to try again.  Even if I don't know what the future holds, I know what my past tells me.  My past tells me I am a fighter and I will not give up with out a fight.
    My mother told me she has never seen me so disappointed over something for such a long period of time.  She is right.  To give you a general idea, I used to be the ever-optimist.  I am usually the one my friends, acquaintances, and peers turn to when they are looking for words of encouragement.  But, I haven't been that person for quite some time now.

     Where did I go wrong?  I never properly grieved. I let the bar exam consume me.  It has changed who I am as of late.  It has stolen the joy from my life, or what semblance of a life I had.  All I do is study, and when I don't study I think about how I should be studying.  I have been fairly depressed for a long time.

     I can't let this thing, this ordeal, control my life.  It isn't worth it to me.  I'll do what I can within reason, but not if it is a cause for me to lose my self.  I have suffered so many doubts and set backs this past couple of months.  I need to stop talking about making a move, and just do it.  This is a far cry from the younger man who would count his blessings every day he got out of bed to attend law classes during the first semester of law school. I don't know if I'll ever be him again, but I at least need to hit a middle ground.  We all have blessings to count, just ask those people in Haiti suffering from an outbreak of Cholera.

Never be afraid to ask for help. Be resourceful.

      I have never considered myself to be a prideful person.  I need help to pass the bar exam, so I am willing to do whatever I must within reason of course.  I contaced an old dean of mine from the Law School I attended. She is a member of the board of bar examiners and an exam guru of sorts. I scanned and emailed her my essays from the first bar exam I failed.

     Those essay are not my finest, so I can't say I was thrilled to e-mail them to her.  But, if it will help then it will be worth any embarassment or criticism I will have to take.  Several of my friends attributed their passing solely to her tutelage. She is a very meticulous and formulaic person who was built for rules, codes and all things academic.  I had her for 3 lectures, so I know first hand.

      Being resourceful is a great attribute.  As a repeater, it may be a great idea to contact old professors, deans, and/or classmates. Several of my classmates, have offered me their updated bar materials at no charge (probably out of pity, but I will still take it).  A Judicial assistant I interned for has offered to help me with essays.  And now, the dean is offering me suggestions as well.  But I never would have known unless I asked.

      I'm not generally in the habit of asking for help.  However, my friend painted the scenario for me in this light.  My law schools has an interest in me passing the exam because it is a reflection on them of a sort (his words, not mine).  As a repeater I certainly have an interest in passing to commence a legal career and to possibly support my law schools as an alumnus.  So it is a win-win for all involved.   I don't want to make the mistake of thinking "nobody cares."  There is help available.  I just have to be willing to seek it and accept it.

Virtue of Failure

     I received a phone call from a relative minutes ago.  He is attempting to get into "Top" schools for an M.B.A.  He has taken the G.R.E. several times and he has competitive scores, but he is seeking to get "surefire" scores, the 90th percentile kind.  He said something interesting.  He needs to do this because this will ensure he is ready for the next couple of years.  I assumed he meant taking the test or receiving the desired test score.

     I curiously replied, "[s]o you think a test will tell you all of that?" My relative responded saying, "[w]ell, not so much the test but the preparation for the test.  If I can do this properly, I will be ready for the next couple of years." I thought about my situation in light of what he said.  This is undoubtedly the most difficult academic endeavor I have had to face.  I have failed miserably. However, if I can get through this, I will be better off for it.  If I don't, I will still be better off either way as long as I can extract the value from my limitations and experiences.

Same old Sob story

     This is a rehash of a comment I made on a blog titled "Amicus Curiae."   The particular entry was appropriately titled, "So you failed the bar exam. . .now what?".  Someone thought my post was well written and interesting.  I'm not sure if it's true.  But just in case, I thought I would repost it here.  It's nothing new. It's just me complaining again, which I refuse to do anymore.  I posted this before I started blogging. Without further ado, here it is:

(Anonymous) wrote:


Sep. 29th, 2010 04:54 pm (UTC)

Two time failee here.

I didn't hate Law school. I didn't go to Law School to make Millions (although I was hoping to be able to eventually pay off my loans). I went because I thought it was the way to hone the "skills" I supposedly had. I enjoyed learning the law and reading cases, with exceptions of course. I did all this stuff: Moot court, mock trial, clerking for a judge, honor council, to build my "skills." (*I am laughing inside and out right now*).

Nonetheless, I only finished in the top half of a tier 4 school. For me, Law School bred alot of heartache, self-doubt, tears, and numbness (not in the sense of complete apathy but in the sense of a coping mechanism). It was a mighty struggle.

I graduated a semester early so that I could get a "head start" on my career and "knock this bar exam out." I took Bar/Bri and went through the motions. I never missed one class and I struggled, but did my best to keep up with the Pace program (which I was not able to, but I really tried). I Isolated myself to give it my all. But before I had done that, I was working on my resume and had recommendations lined up from a Dean, a professor, a judge. (*I'm lauging again*). Needless to say, i failed. I had so convinced myself If I put in the time, things would just fall into place. This seems to be the case, for everybody else. This was not the case for me.

So I took it again. I studied on my own. I did what i could. I had the unfortunate occurrence that completely occupied my time for the week and 1/2 preceding the exam. I didn't really have a choice. Needless, to say I failed a second time.

I "work" unsteadily for a "lawyer." He hired me as an independent contractor to save himself money meaning I am responsible for my own taxes. He is paying me $11 per hour. He lets me work when he feels like it. I don't resent him. This is business. Needless to say if a better offer came up, I would leave without regret. I am a file clerk.

My loans have began to go in to Collections. I live with my Grandparents. I owe $158,000+ in school loans (in addition to another $12,000 plus in credit card debt.

The endless barrage of Cliches from freinds and family has certainly not helped nor made me feel any better (although I would probably be saying the same types of things like "everything happens for a reason" blah blah blah).

As much as I know this is not a direct correlation of my intelligence, how do I avoid not feeling "Dumb"? How can I avoid the Self loathing?

Although I didn't hate lawschool, the best thing about is that it is over with. I didn't really envision this scenario where I would be $180 K in debt with no serious or even decent job.

I feel like "[t]he matrix has got [me]." I'm trapped. I have gone too far to quit. I can't think of any other viable options. But I don't know what my next step is. Is it possible to take back the day you were born?

Although, the bar exam may not indicate what kind of attorney you will be, it relates to the legal profession in the sense that it tests your ability to manage your study time and your exam time. (Not that I am one) but from what I am told, if you want to be a lawyer you will need to manage your time effectively (like most things in life). If nothing else, the bar exam will test this.
People often complain about the unfairness of life. LIFE IS FAIR! It may be cruel at times, but rest assured it is fair. I have been rattling off more expletives in the past 8 days then I have probably in the past 5 years or so of my life. I feel helpless, hopeless, inter alia. I've turned into "that guy" that fails bar exams, the guy everybody shuttered at even thinking about. I feel like ATLAS carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and everytime someone pats me on the back to try to comfort me, they are only making this weight worse.
Had I the foresight to know that this was possible I would never have fought so hard to go to Law School. What do I have to show for my my struggle, my heartache, and my work? Nearly 1/5 of a million dollars in debt. People keeps saying it will be alright, but that is the same thing they said last time and it is not alright.
I want to stop complaining but I feel so devoid of hope. I don't really know how to change my situation. How do I shift my paradigm? How do i break out of my conundrum? Its a catch-22. If I don't take the test I'm a quitter who just threw away 3 (4 1/2) years of my life (or I can chalk it up to a moral victory/failure depending on whose point of view). I can keep taking the test and incurring further debt while i shun off working or finding an alternative career.

Unlike most of you here, and most of the people I went to school with. I am used to failure. I'm not okay with it but i am no stranger to failure. IT IS FAR BETTER TO BE A FAILURE THEN TO BE AFRAID TO TRY OR FAIL!!! For those who do fail at some point, success holds much more value.

I will end my rant with this. I know that something needs to change for me to pass. Its not G-d, its not the test, its not the universe or the stars or whatever else people may attribute their failures to. Change starts with me, and me alone.

Waking up with a fresh perspective

      I actually woke up with the most perspicaciousness I have had in a while.  *****Note: I read that word in the Robert Ludlum's The Bourne Identity, and I've been itching to use it ever since*****  Last night, I read a comment which I had written in response to a post written on a blog titled Amicus Curiae. The entry was titled "So you failed the bar exam . . . now what?"  About 25 + people chimed in with sob stories about their failures, the ensuing stress, the bleakness of job prospects, and the crushing financial burdens.  One poster read my comment (which I'll post next) and compleminted me on my writing.  It almost made me smile, because I rarely heard that in law school. I certainly never heard it from my legal writing professor.

     The young lady then told her story.  It was nightmarish.  The lady graduated from a top school in New York around '99.  Her father was dying around that time.  So after her graduation, she went back to the mid-west to spend time with her father before he passed away.
    
     She went back to New York, took a review course, and studied for the next two months.  However, when the day of exam came she never took it.  She later suffered a miscarriage.  She registered for the next 20 or so exam administrations and most, if not all, of the bar courses one could think of.  Nevertheless, she was never able to physically bring herself to sit for the exam.

    Finally, during one of the '09 administrations, the young lady dug deep and found the courage necessary to take the exam.  She brought herself to the exam center where she sat and awaited the beginning of the exam administration.  Tragically, during the exam she fainted.  She had to be carried out of the exam to be physically examined.  She didn't go back for the next day.  Now, she is registered for the New York bar once more, hoping things will be different, that things will work out for her.

     After reading that, I couldn't help but reflect.  My situation is not worth complaining about.  I can't beat that.  She has so much trauma tied into her taking that exam.  I hope she makes it.  When she does, she will cherish her license more than most people would even be capable of doing.  She will be stronger for it.  I wish her the best.

     Her story made me reflect on how the world does not revolve around me.  I'm not the only one dealing with Bar exam issues.  I should be thankful I am not dying of some terminal illness; my family loves me; my friends love me and accept me for who I am; etc. . . I need to buckle down and fight the fight. I need to be thankful for life.

"How Law Schools Help Turn Weak Students into Failing Bar Candidates"

      This is not an exercise in blame.  I don't blame my law school for any of my failures.  Our pass rate is pretty good, and nearly everyone I know pretty much passed on the first try.  However, I found an article interesting, written by notable Bar Exam coach, Mary Gallagher, J.D., P.hd. Unfortunately, I could relate.

How Law Schools Help Turn Weak Students into Failing Bar Candidates

"Did you study son?"

   Said my so called "employer" or "contractee," Mr. F., in his southern drawl as I informed him of my second bar exam failure. I thought to myself:

   No Mr. F. of course I didn't study.  Instead I just thought it would be tons of fun to shell out thousands of dollars on books, bar exam courses, hotels, and gas; and I just knew it would be so liberating to shut myself in a library and isolate myself from the rest of humanity for months at a time while I read thousands of pages, compiled nearly a thousand flash cards, typed hudreds of words, and did hundreds of problems just so I could drive all the way to Tampa twice to face the humiliating glare of all my friends who know I already failed the exam once and that I am taking it for a second time so I could forego receiving a license all so I could work for you making a low wage, not even as a legal clerk, but as a file clerk where I make the world a better place everyday by filing, faxing, copying, entering data, destapling, re-stapling, answering phones, stripping files, throwing out garbage, turning on sprinklers, shredding documents, etc. . .  only to be crushed by a skyward amount of student loan debt and an inability to find real work all while I study to take the Bar exam for A THIRD TIME."

    "Of course I studied dipstick."  I shouldn't really be offended.  This is not his problem nor his fault.  While he certainly is not a part of the solution, he is not the problem either.  I must say I think the question is dumb.  I'm sure it happens here and there where people fail because they don't study. I do not nor will I ever operate that way.  But I guess I understand his thinking.  All of my friends put the work in, and they passed. This is usually what happens about 80% of the time according to the pass rate.

     None of my peers asked me that question.  I am hardly one to pat myself on the back, but they know me.  They've seen the kind of time I will put towards my studies.  We've done the all nighters together or the consecutive months of preparing for competitions while foregoing weekends, sleep, and food.  I may not have had the most effective method, nor have I ever claimed to be some brilliant legal mind, but I am not one who lacks in effort.

    I highly doubt Mr. F. thought about what he was saying.  When he is not in his officious capacity, he appears to me to be a "gunslinger."  He shoots from the hip, or off at the mouth.  While I can't necessarily say I am enjoying working for him, I appreciate the way he handles clients.  Though he is a PI attorney and money is always an issue, he is not the typical "ambulance chaser."  I don't know if he is a good guy.  I don't know him well enough to vouch for him like that.  But, I haven't really seen anything to indicate the contrary.  But I can tell you, I don't plan to have any further Bar Exam conversations with him.

Method Acting: Becoming a successful Exam taker

     Had I a choice to do things over again, I would have been (and still may become) a thespian.  I have developed a tremendous love for most things artistic.  I play the guitar, dabble (very rarely) in the piano, and sing.  I used to write poetry (and plan to get back into that someday).  I enjoy going to art museums although I am not well versed in works of art or their creators per se.  I enjoy watching live performances of all kinds from theater to music to comedy, etc. . .
   I have been trying to clear my mind of the disappointments which have led to my current situatioin.  I am becoming a "masterful test taker."  In reality, I am doing my best to method act.  In fact, "I am a master test taker."  I have been envisioning myself as a successful test taker, imagining the feelings that accompany the success I am striving for. 

     This means I must change. I have to change my posture, my thought process (most especially), my feelings about exams (and this one in particular).  I have to work on my exam strategy and my time management for each problem.  I am attempting to create a literal vision and expectancy.  When I say literal, I mean I oft close my eyes and see myself as a licensed working attorney.

   It is one thing to fail, but it is entirely a different thing to be a self defeatest.  If you do not believe in yourself, you will rarely (if ever) succeed.  "He who says he can and he who says he cannot are both usually right." -Confucius-  Life will supply all the haters, detractors, pessimists, and salt shakers you can deal with for any given endeavor.  Why add yourself to the mix? In fact if your family and freinds fall into these categories then you may want to create as much distance as you can manage (emotionally and/or spatially if necessary).

     I have never been a good test taker in the past, nor have I ever been particularly organized.  I have never properly learned test taking strategies (save for my LSAT course during which I did not adequately apply myself.  The transformation I seek is not easy, but it is necessary.  I am attempting to transform myself like a chameleon for purposes of this exam.  I tried schedules in the past.  For instance, I made myself a study schedule first year.  However, the schedule set a limit to the amount of time I was going to study.  In contrast, I got sucked into studying until all hours of the morning and I ignored the schedule.  This time will have to be different.  This will be a little more goal oriented.

     Anyway, here is what I have been doing for the past couple of days.  I just compiled a study guide.  While I am eager to study, I knew if I didn't have an exact study plan, I would FAIL AGAIN.  So I took tones of time to make one.  I still have some things to modify, but it is near 85% completion.  Here is what I did:

     First, I installed a countdown timer as per a blog post by "Frustrated Bar Examinee" in order to countdown the days to the exam.  Next, I compiled a daily study schedule.  I included order of topics and the number of problems  and review I intend to do for each day.  I also include slots to record the accomplishments for that day as well as a slot to keep track of percentages and difficulty level of the problems.  Furthermore, I did a stastical breakdown of the frequency and format of topics on the State portion of the exam.  In my Bar/bri materials from Winter '10 (which really was just the stuff from the previous Spring because they did not change them) They listed the topics from Winter '99 until Spring of '09.  I added the latest two administrations and went further.  I broke down the topic frequency by percentage, and I ranked topics from highest to lowest % of appearances amongst the essays given.

     Furthermore, I analyzed the frequency of combinanation essays.  I counted how many essays there were from July '03 to July '10 and noted what percentage of those were comination essay. Then, I analyzed the frequency of topics among the comination essays enumerating them from lowest to highest by percentage. This will help me to prioritize what I will need to study.

     I will need to focus every fiber of my being into becoming this person I need to be.  I know I am capable.  I will need to bring myself to new heights.  Since I will be typing I am thinking of attributing a few minutes a day towards typing faster and more accurately.  I am not a slow typer, but the faster and more accurate I can become, the better off I will be on the essay portions of the exam.  I also found an old handout from one of the deans of my old Law School.  The workshop had to do with strategies on essays and multiple choice.  I will read this probably once a day from here on out.  I will absorb her strategies in order to meet this goal. 

     I beleive this can work if I do it right.  I  will become what i must in order to survive and overcome this ordeal.

Letting go is key to getting over frustration

     I woke up this morning thinking, as I usually do.  The focus of those thoughts was "letting go." I tried to make my study schedule last night.  All I could think about was my disgust for this situation, my disdain for my seeming ineptitude to achieve this goal, and the frustration and pain I have forced myself into by having have failed this exam twice now.

     At one point, I used to believe everything would work out in my favor.  I believed if I was in line with the will of G-d, things would eventually work out in my favor.  I honestly don't know of such things any longer nor do I possess the certainty I once had.  Long gone from my memories are the days, if any, where I recall things working out for me in a good way.
   
    I used to be able to [look at the cup as being half full]. I acknowledge the fickleness of man and how easily man forgets.  In  the past, I would look to others who suffered and understand how fortunate I was.  Even such a tactic now only has a minimal effect.  I don't seek pity, nor do I seek consolation.  I seek release from this burden.  This predicament has me filled with so much regret about life and this "career path."  I am afraid that it could get worse.  My life has been stagnant and devoid of growth.  Something will have to give.  It cannot be like this forever.

    Despite all of this, I recognize LIFE IS FAIR.  The same rules do not necessarily apply for all.  What works for some might not work for others and vice versa, yet life is fair.  There is always a point or some points we can look back to which will make our difficult predicaments understandable.   I often say "[l]ife is a combination of personal choices."  Actually seeing it written out makes it seem lacking.  Maybe its a combination of personal choices and "curveballs."

     Anyhow, last night I googled "how to let go of frustration."  I came across an article on the subject and this was the first couple of sentences:

"Anger and frustration are caused by an insistence that the world or other people conform to your wishes. The art of going beyond anger and frustration lies in learning to let go and flow with the natural unfolding of life and in developing a spiritual perspective which reveals that life is precisely as it needs to be at every moment."

     I full heartedly agree. I acknowledge my self centeredness and my former inability to see "outside of the box."  I wrote "Flow" on the palm of my hand today as a reminder.  I don't know why I am going through this; I can't figure out how to look at this as a positive; nor do I understand the purpose of all the lost time.  But I can't avoid the situation.  I have invested too much to quit for this go around.

    Everything has its place in the universe.  Presently, this is mine.  This will evolve, this pain from this situation.  It will either become cancerous and cantankerous promoting bitterness, frustration, rancor, and anxiety, inter alia; or it can become something I learn from, which I can move on from and possibly help others.  I personally choose the latter. 
  
     I am not the only one to have faced this situation.  I don't want this to become my defining moment in life. How much more can I be stretched?  How much more will I have to shoulder dissapointment, failure, and the resulting heartache? I do not want this to be the one straw that broke the camel's back.  But note, "[w]hile the one straw broke the camel's back here's the secret; there's a million other straws underneath it.  It's all mathematics." -Mos Def-

Re: "Taking The Bar Exam is like being Pregnant"

    My favorite successful repeater blog is "Frustrated Bar Examinee."  I was reading her posts and came across this gem, another blogger's post describing the experience of taking the Florida Bar Exam.  I found it to be "dead on." To clarify, this is not my post and full credit goes to FBE.  You can find the original entry in its entirety here on FBE's blog.  Here is the portion of the post concerning the former blogger's experience:

For those lucky enough to avoid three years of law school, there is a shroud of mystery which surrounds the entire bar exam process. Unless you have actually sat for the bar, it is very difficult to understand why those who haven taken the exam consider it such a traumatic experience. I will now attempt to explain why the bar exam is such a nightmare.

Before you can sit for the bar, you must complete:

The Bar Application

Completing the bar application is almost as bad as taking the bar itself. Some states like to make everyone’s lives easier and allow electronic filing of said application. Other states require paper applications to be printed out and filled in. For example, New Jersey’s thirty page application can neither be filled out nor filed on-line. New Jersey requires that you print out and manually fill in the 30 page packet. Then NJ has the balls to go and say that it “prefers” the use of a “typewriter”.

First, I really don’t care what the state of NJ prefers. I prefer to not take the multi-state portion of the bar exam, having passed it by 26 points only one year ago. I prefer not having to list every job I’ve had since the age of 18, or every residence I’ve lived in since the age of 16. I prefer not having to go to the DMV to obtain a copy of my “certified drivers record.” (I can only imagine how difficult it is for one state agency to obtain records from another state agency. It’s probably best that I wait in line four hours to obtain a piece of paper issued by the state to later put in an envelope and mail back to the state.) I prefer not having to think of eight different people to serve as my references, especially when those eight people cannot be: a law student, a relative or a co-worker. News flash NJ, those are the only three groups of people I have spoken to in the last four years. What’s that you say? College friends? YEAH! Great idea! Some of my best friends from college don’t even know my first name. They might be able to tell you about my beer pong prowess, or about the time we used the handicap designated electric wheel chair ramp to load kegs into a van, or my propensity for Jack Daniels. However, I’m pretty sure they would not have a lot to offer in terms of my professionalism, dedication and commitment to veracity and honesty.

Secondly, NJ, what makes you think I have a typewriter? Are you serious? Like the other 100% of the people applying for this bar exam, I have a “computer”. Computers are kind of like typewriters, except that they still make them. New Jersey, if you prefer to have the applications typed, make like Pennsylvania and permit users to fill them out online.
 
Once you have filed your bar application, you must begin to prepare for the bar exam. This usually involves attending:


The Bar Class

Once you have completed the traumatic filing process, you then shell out $2500 to sit in a classroom for six weeks to learn all of the stuff you didn’t learn in law school because your crappy Torts professor spent two months exploring the subtle distinction between a “manufacturing defect” and a “design defect” in product liability cases.

But its worse than that. The bar class isn’t about re-learning things you learned during your law school tenure. The bar class is about learning things that you have never learned before and will never need to know again A lot of the new information is never taught in law school because it either 1) never comes up, or 2) is so trivial that it would be silly to mention. Those are basically the prerequisites bar examiners use when deciding which questions belong on the bar. See, e.g., liabity of bee keeper for bee attack turns on whether the kept bees are honey making bees or crazy african bees.

Once you have spent a total of eight weeks trying to learn every minutiae of law that could possibly be thrown at you, you get to take:


The Bar Exam

In the state of Florida, every person that sits for the Florida bar takes the bar in Tampa Bay at the same time, in the same room. If tension and nervousness could some how be harnessed into an alternate energy source, the auditorium in the Tampa Bay Convention Center could power the state of Florida for an entire 3 months.

It’s almost amusing to see the way people freak out right before the exam. When I took the Florida bar, I literally had a friend come running up to me 4 minutes before the exam having a melt down about “riparian water rights.”

My Friend: “Vidas, Vidas!!!! Do you remember what the BarBri lady said about riparian water rights?”

Me: “No. If it’s on there, it will be one question max. Worth one point, if that.”

My Friend: “But what if it’s in an essay??! An essay is worth a lot more than one point.”

Me: “Uhhh. I don’t know. Go ask Scott.”

My Friend: [Gasping noises.]

Me: “I’ve got a paper bag for you to breath into. Will that help?”

When the magic hour final arrives, you are corraled like cattle being led into a slaughter house. It’s interesting to see how each individual reacts to the inordinately stressful situation. Some people talk non-stop; nervous gibberish. Some people recite elements to different causes of action. Some people use the bathroom eight times before the exam. Some people won’t talk. Some people can’t sit still and walk around until the test is distributed. I, myself, must have used the water fountain a half dozen times before sitting down to take the test. Thank god for coping mechanisms.

Even after the exam starts, you can tell which people are shitting the bed. In Florida, you are paired two to a table. My friend Scott’s table mate would pound the table everytime he encountered a question to which he didn’t know the answer. My table mate was a classic “second guesser”. He’d write a bunch of stuff down, read it and proceed to erase the entire page. He would erase so hard that the entire table would shake. The Florida bar has three essays. I think this guy wrote about eight that day. By the time the essay portion of the exam was over, he was about a foot deep in eraser shavings.

And the sad thing is that when you see people shitting the bed, you don’t feel bad for the person. You feel happy it isn’t you.


Schadenfreude!


Gezunheidt.

The Aftermath

As you fill in that last bubble on the scantron sheet, there is total and utter joy. You did it! You finished the bar exam. But somehow, by the time you get up from your seat and hand in your test booklet you have managed to convince yourself that you failed the exam. Just to make sure you totally failed, you and a friend spend the four hour car ride home comparing each of your answers, question by question.

So the relief you feel from completing the bar is almost non-existent. The crushing weight on your shoulders stays with you for another six weeks until the bar examiners post results on line. The day before the bar results are announced, you hear people say things like: “I know I failed; that exam was impossible. I hope the next version is easier”, “I just hope everyone passed. Everyone studied so hard. We all deserve to pass.” Then the results are announced. And how things change. Those same people now say things like: “I knew I nailed it. It wasn’t that bad. It was a lot of hype, but in the end not that hard.” “Oh my god, did you hear so-and-so failed the bar? I know, what a bitch. Total karma, right?”.

The day the results are announced, there is a frantic explosion of telephone calls and texting and IM’ing. If you fail the bar and don’t want anybody to know about it, I would seriously consider moving. At the very least, you should stop taking phone calls for a good month.


Final Thoughts

The bar exam is a stupid, stupid attorney right of passage. How well you do on the bar exam has no correlation to the type of attorney you will become. A lot of really bad attorneys have passed the bar. A lot of really good attorneys failed the first or second time around.
In the end, I think that the best way to describe the entire process is like a pregnancy. The bar exam is like a baby you carry for two months. During those two months, your life completely changes. You stop drinking (lest you lose a day of studying). You rarely see your friends or family. You get weird food cravings during those late night study sessions. You gain weight from the aforementioned food cravings and because you no longer have time to go to the gym. You have horrible mood swings due to the tremendous amount of stress you are under. (See, e.g., the “Dog Killing Story”) And by the last week of your pseudo pregnancy, you just “want it out” of you. There’s even post-partum depression associated with taking the bar. You are happy that the bar is over, but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness because you don’t know whether you have passed or failed.

Anyway, good luck to all those out there studying for the bar. In the end, it’s just a test. A really, really, really horrible life sucking test.

This poster is certainly not lacking in accuracy.  My two experiences, have been very similar.

Humility and Law School Purgatory

    I woke up today resolved not to whine and complain about failing the bar.  I feel alone, but I know I am not the only one going through this.  Even if I was, there are cetainly people going through worse ordeals. 

     For instance, I have an older cousin staying with us from Haiti.  That country is the poorest in the western hemisphere.  This past January, Haiti underwent severe Earthquakes and aftershocks.  My cousin lost her home.  Her job gave her an apartment.  She lost it from aftershocks.  Her husband is cheating on her and treats her like crap.  However, she has nowhere else to go, so she is desperately trying to work it out with him.

    I thought I used to have a lot of faith in G-d.  Maybe I never did.  I don't know anymore.  It is easy to think you have faith when things are going well.  But when things are hard, this is when faith is needed the most.  I used to be very optimistic and I still am when it comes to certain things (the bar exam not being one of them).  But for the life of me, I can't figure out why I keep failing this test. 

     There is supposed to be a "lesson" in everything.  It is written that "Humility comes before honor."  As a theological virtue, humility is the knowledge that all goodness eminates from G-d.  The polar opposite of humility is Pride.  Basically, pride is believing that you have personal control of any given situation.  Humility kills pride.  The way people grow in humility is embarassment and humiliation.  This has been the story of my life.

     I don't have major accomplishments to boast about, nor do I have priceless possessions, or any of the sort.  I have neve truly excelled at anything.  I don't have any awards or supergifts or talents to puff my head up.  I have never been accused of having movie star/model looks.  Anyway, I could go on, but I don't want to blog all day.  All this aside, I have grown in humility and maturity as a result of failing this G-d forsaken exam twice now.  I have been doing rather crappy on standardized tests for a majority of my life.  The difference is, now I care. I understand poor exam results reflect on me academically and professionally.
However, I am constantly humbled in other ways. I am humbled when I look at my "job," my bank account, my grades, my lack of achievment, my age, when I read the news, etc. . . .

     I regret choosing this career path.  Maybe I was dishonest with myself.  I though I could do it and/or that G-d would help me out.  However, I think the evidence speaks for itself.  I was outmatched in Law School from the get go.  Those kids were Richer, more read, some were tremendously smarter, and they had a lot more resources available.  I can probably say I worked as hard or harder than any of them, at least as for that first semester.  I was competing with people that graduated Magna Cum Laude, Summa Cum laude, and cum laude in undergrad.  I was competing with people that killed the LSAT (on which I flopped).  These people had lawyers as parents, and family members.  They understood the big picture and didn't get trapped in all the Red herrings. 

     The successful students worked smart.  At the time, this was a non existent concept.  All I knew was hardwork.  I assumed hardwork and smart work were one in the same.  Well you know what they say about assumptions.  They were right.  I made a complete ass out of myself.
   
     I refused to use supplements first year because professors said everything you needed was in the casebook.  I religiously reread, I spent hours breifing, and going to extra sessions.  after that first semester I ended up in the top 3rd and was so disheartened by all the work I put in for such a minimal payout.  I never recovered from that.  I eventually finished in the top half only.  I struggled and I worked.  That is why when people ask me what is the best thing about law school, without fail I will answer "It is over with."  I fell victim to lies.  But for me it still lives. 

     Studying for the bar exam is law school purgatory.  I don't have anything to show for the past 4 years.  I hate when people ask me if I studied.  They can all buzz off for all I care.  I've been busting my tail.  The quality of my study has obviously been lacking.

     I am a fighter if nothing else.  I would rather swim than sink.  I am dying inside each day I face the burden of passing this test.  It is a slow and painful death.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm tired, frustrated, afraid, and hopeless.  I don't know how to change or where to find answers.  I wish I could move on to the next lesson.

     So this brings me back to the point of this post.  I do not presume to know what G-d cares or doesn't care about, at least I am not supposed to.  I know some serious skuzz buckets who passed this exam on the first try.  I never pretend that I am a good guy.  I am a person who struggles to do the right thing day in and day out. Sometimes I get it right. Other days I miss completely miss the mark.  But, I don't think that is what it is about. 

     I just don't know why G-d has chosen to afflict me so.  I will have to give it serious thought.  I don't want this to be the rest of my life.  There has to be more to it than this, otherwise why live?  This is not living. It's dying.

Damn it feels good to work

     As much as I complain about the lack of study hours, responsibility, and pay, I must admit It felt good to go into "work" today.  I got a call on my cell from an unrecognized number last evening.  I answered it, and it was the legal assistant from the place I "work."  I was thinking to myself "[w]hat the flip do these people want?"  I didn't think they were calling me into work.  I assumed they were calling me in to pick up my last check.  They asked me to come in and I did.

     Yesterday, I nearly went in to Macy's to apply for a clerical position.  The only thing impeding me was the fact my grandparents were awaiting a repairmen to come in for the clothes dryer.  They asked me to stay and so I thought I could hold it off until tommorrow. Fate had other plans.

     Today, I went in, took a pen and wrote the word "Gratitude" on my palm.  I looked at it constantly throughout the day as I filed and entered data.  It is easy to become encapsulated by our own situations and, in my case, the misery that surrounds it. But, I don't want to be a slave to my negative thoughts.
 
    I focused on my work.  I tried to use some positive affirmations to become the part as well.  I kept thinking to myself, "I am the greatest file clerk the world has ever known," "I am constantly coming up with brilliant solutions," "Hard work is always easy for me," "I love to enter data, file, fax, copy, and answer phones," etc. . . . Of course I don't beleive any of it, but If I can play the part, eventually I will act the part. 

    The busier you stay, the faster the time will go. I did that and made it through the day.

It could be worse

     I've been complaining to myself incessantly and cussing up a storm as of late as I mentioned previously. I can't blame anyone but me. Nonetheless, I am less than appreciative of the circumstances and I am not sure how to turn this into a positive or to look at it from a different perspective. But I was looking up something about positive affirmations on Youtube and I came across this guy, Nick Vujicic.  I've seen him before on T.V. Needless to say, this kind of thing will make anybody think twice about their situation. I could learn a thing or two from this guy.



Nick Vujicic 01/13 中文字幕 (life without limbs) 沒有四肢 力克

What kind of learner am I?

     I'm not really sure.  I have been giving this a trememdous amount of thought lately as I gear up to prepare for another run at the bar exam.  Conventional (and antiquated) wisdom produced three traditional categories of learners: Kinesthetic (learning by going through the motions), Auditory (learning from listenting), and Visual (learning from seeing), or some hybrid of the above styles.
   
     Au Contrare mon frere.  Further research suggests there are far more complex and various styles of learning than the traditional three.  This article is a good introduction to many of those categories.  They include people who are Musical, Verbal-linguistic, Logical-Mathematical, Spatial, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal, etc. . . . Read the article and pass it along.  It is very informative.


     I never quite figured it out in Law School.  There were times I used memory recall and I could successfully hear the voices and phrases of my teachers from specific lectures.  Unfortunately, there would be times where the information was in my mind but unbearably irretrievable.  I would sometimes study by repeating things to myself so many times I could not forget.  As much as I tried, I was never able to visualize pages and words I had read. 
     
      I've read somewhere that developing a strong memory has to do with developing strong synapses in the brain.  The more people commit something to memory, the stronger that connection is in the mind, thereby allowing the pathway to retrieve that information to be very strong and accessible.  Thus, when the mind needs to recall it, it will be easy to do because of connection that has been built to retrieve said piece of information.

     In, Law School, the fading moments of "glory" I had were during Appellate Advocacy, Moot Court, and Mock Trial.  When I tried for both the Moot Court and Mock Trial organizations, I researched, wrote my speeches, and physically went through the process of making my oral argument, opening statement, and direct examinations dozens of times over.  I got to the point where I could do an appellate argument for up to an hour if I went uninterrupted (which is rarely ever the case).  During my opening statement I had actually forgotten a peice of my presentation, but because I had gone over it so many times I was able to ad lib with something else that was relevant to get myself "over the hump."  The same went for competitions of the same nature.

     I learn new songs on my guitar sporadically.  I learn them best by playing them.  I don't exactly read music, and i only figure things out by ear on rare occasions.  I am definitely bodily-kinesthetic I think. I may also be Asbract-reflexive, inter alia.  This is a subject I certainly would like to bmore informed about.

The incredible shrinking man: Working out and studying for the bar exam

     I am starting to lose mass and slim down. Due to finances, I had to suspend my gym membership, I still run every few days, although my motivation is not as high as of late. My body is changing again and losing the shape I worked so hard to build. I will still exercise, but I won't have the option of lifting weights.

     I am uber intrigued with fitness and health.  The intrigue stems from my infatuation with the human body. It amazes me when I see the various shapes, shizes, tones, injuries, healings, etc. . . Consequently, I love working out. I go at it HARD. A sound body will help one to achieve sound spirit, mind, and soul.


     I have always been fairly active since my youth. The only time I didn't work out was when I was in Law School. First semester of first year, I woke up Monday through Friday at 4:30am. On those days, I showered, dressed, ate, read, went to the library, studied until class, went to class, went back to the library, studied until class, went to class, ate, went back to the library, until class, went to the library, ate again, went back to the library until closing time or very close to it, went home, read, went on the net/radio/or T.V. for a few minutes and went to bed. My weekends were similar, but they started around 9:00a.m. instead. The rest of my Law School career was similar to this though I could not sustain that first semester pace (especially when I saw the payoff was minimal).

     I didn't workout during those 2 1/2 years. I suffered indigestion from the campus food. I ate alot of junk food and fast food as well. I fluctuated anywhere from a slim 180 to a pretty heavy 212, though I was mostly in the middle. Mind you, I am about 5 '9. The summer before my last year, I decided I would get buff before I went to school. I lifted weights and put on about twelve pounds to reach that 212 lb total. I vowed to maintain it, but the 1 1/2 hour cummute each way obliterated those aspirations and that muscle went to crap. I changed my eating habits for my first go at the bar exam but I still did not exercise.  My weight reverted between 190-195 lbs.

     I decided to change things for my second bar exam approach as far as working out was a concern. I went to the gym and got evaluated. My body fat was around 23%. I've never had a body fat that high. I was afraid. I used to have a fear of being overweight. I was a pudgy kid until I hit age 10 or 11.  I didn't want to go back to that, but it looked as if I already had. I resolved to correct the issue.

     So, I vizualized the body I wanted. I alwasy kept that picture in mind. I found a plan and followed it, to a tee. I worked out seven days a week. I lifted weights three (3) days, I did additional calisthenics, and I did cardio 7 days a week. I would do hour long Spin/RPM classes three to four days a week. On alternate days I would jump rope, jog, or use a treadmill for 30 minutes.
     I worked my way to the best body I have ever had. My body fat was about 11%. I reached a weight of 172, my lowest since Highshool. I marveled at what I achieved in six to seven months. I have been much stronger in the past, and even had 10% body fat while I was younger.  I was able to bench press 270 lbs, which was a lot to me.  I could squat about 360 lbs I thinkg. I wasn't able to do those things this time, but it wasn't about that. This time it was about the physiqe as well as the overall fitness.  During those previous times, I didn't care about cardiovascular fitness, diet, or physiqe.  It was all about "Strength."  Thankfully, I evolved.

     Physical fitness is pretty important. I just have to set goals and a schedule. I have recently hit 50 consecutive pushups and reached 17 pullups, but it has been weeks since then. I have a good foundation I think. Physical fitness helps with endurance for studying and test taking. I will follow the 100 consecutive pushups plan either here and/or here. Also, I will work to achieve the 20 pullups plan and possibly a 30 pullup plan.  Maybe I can even get my running up to an hour instead of 25 minutes.

Inactivity, Cussing, Depression (not really), and seeking change

     I didn't really do anything today.  I checked out job listings on craigslist, I called two potential employers, and I e-mailed a job resume.  I read some bar exam related stuff about preparation, not really substance.  As a matter of fact, I have yet to really study.  I'm so uncertain as to my job and study plans.
   
     I don't really know how to describe my feelings.  I am a person of serious faith.  I consider myself to be very spiritual, though not religious.  I keep my language clean especially in the presence of others.  But I can tell you, since recieiving the news of my second bar exam failure, I have unleashed a serious fusillade of expletives.  I believe I have cussed more in the past eleven to twelve days than I have in the past five years.
   
     I am not one who really succumbs to depression, but I took a nap during the day today which I rarely ever do.  When I am alone, in silence, or in bed, all I keep thinking about are the problems I missed.  I keep wondering what I need to change.  I keep thinking to myself, "[w]hy can't I just be better?  I need to be better.  I have to change." 
    
    I NEED TO CHANGE.  G-d will not change.  The Universe will not change.  My circumstances will not change.  I NEED TO CHANGE.  I must be better.  How can I be better?  What is the next step?  Where can I find the answer to this question?

Job related woes

     I need money.  I haven't really called my "job" the past two days because I am tired of calling and being told "we're swamped over here son.  Just call us first thing in the morning and check in to see if we'll need ya."
    
     I want to get this thing right this time.  I'm hoping to relocate back to the county in which my school is in.  Frankly, I prefer there over here.  There is a dean at my former school who is a bar guru.  She is a member of the board of bar examiners, and is notorious for helping students pass.  I'm hoping she can help me cure my bar exam woes.  I have a friend with an extra room, but I will need to pay rent. 
    
     If I can't work that out, I'll need to find another job around here.  I'm afraid of getting something that will entail too much responsibility to the point where it will hinder my studies.  If I get too involved how am I going to be able to take time off to study?
    
     I don't mind menial labor, restaurant jobs aside.  I have a disdain for restaurant jobs because I sweat a lot, moreso than other people.  I'm in extremely good shape, so it's not a weight thing.  I've done restaurant work before.  I won't do it again. 
   
    Pay in Florida is another issue.  I still need to pay for a hotel, gas, and food as far as my bar exam related costs go. I was hobing to get this book, Strategies and Tactics for the MBE as well, and possibly hire a tutor.  I might have to pass on the tutor ordeal.  One told me he costs around $120 per session.
  
     I've applied with a temp agency, and I've called some other places.  I have had no luck thus far. Noone has any recommendations on where else to look.  This is has been difficult, but I hope something comes up soon.