I've never had this problem before. I am usually like a basketball because I "bounce" right back from dissapointments. I don't know why this has been so hard. I have been through way more difficult situations life. Famlily deaths, poverty, family divorces, rejections, betrayals, embarassment, scores of faiulres, discrimination, heartache multiple times over, etc. . . In the grand scheme of things, this pales in comparison. But this one has felt like the most devastating for some reason and I really don't know why.
Over the past couple of months I have gone from moping, to complaining, to whining, to battling depression, to being anxious, to being fearful, to feeling scared, to feeling overwhelmed, to feeling helpless, to feeling despaired, to feeling angry, so on and so forth. I can't live like this. This is not life. This is death of my mind, body, and spirit. I barely recognize who I am anymore.
I stopped working out, I was eating junk, and I was watching tons of T.V. instead of reading. I stopped going out. I have been avoiding hanging out or even talking to friends for that matter. This scenario has robbed me of my personality. I seem to have lost my clarity, purpose, and determination. I lost my feistiness, my willingness to battle against all odds. I can't even recognize my conversations anymore. I used to be so positive, but now I don't even recognize my own words or lack thereof. My thoughtlife has taken a negative turn with the focus being me and this exam. That is plain self centered and egotistical.
This is flipping pathetic. I refuse to be like this any more. It has to change. I can't take the bar exam like this. I would be better off not even going because I would have already flunked myself with that mindframe. I have to fight. I refuse to go out like this. G-d forbid I am not capable. If that is the case then the situation will work itself out. But even so, I have to go out fighting.
I have to take a stand now. Time is short and it waits for no man. I've got give this thing a push for my sanity's sake, for my family's sake. Far worse off would I be if I gave this thing a minimalist effort.
In the time I have left, I vow to make every effort to work towards my goal for each remaining day I have. The fact I have put it in writing will make it binding. I have less than 3 months to do this. I must hit the proverbial "gas pedal." My effort is all I control at this point.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Do not be your own worst enemy; Petyon Manning's edge
I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine who just moved back in to town. One thing led to another then he asked what I needed to do to pass this test. I replied "I need a brain transplant." I have a tendancy to be pretty self-depricating. Maybe it is a defense mechanism to avoid the tension of serious issues. I am getting better in that department though. The older I grow the more I realize "less is more" when it comes to the quality of words. Yet, there were sometimes during this dilemma where I have seriously questioned whether or not I even possess average Intelligence.
Self Defeatism is the worst possible hindrance to achieving any goal. Nearly everyone has doubts at some point even about themselves. But if I don't believe in me, who else will? In fact, why should I expect anyone else to believe in me if I don't believe in myself?
What if Peyton Manning was in the Locker room thought about how he didn't want to play football and that he wasn't the best? What if he whined about it all day? What if he complained about how slow he is and how his team is not necessarily the most talented on either side of the ball? He wouldn't be who he is today? I am not colts fan, but I acknowledge Mr. Manning as a potential Hall of famer and possibly one of the best ever.
What sets Manning apart? It's not his arm. Sure it helps to have a rocket arm like he has. But, at least a dozen or more quarterbacks playing in the NFL have that. It is not his athleticism. While he has good foot work, his coordination is not the best or even really good for that matter. I would venture to say Manning is probably in the bottom third or at least half for athleticism at his position. The difference is his work ethic, which leads to his self confidence.
Manning is renowned for his work ethic. This gives him a mental edge and a competitive toughness. While I do believe most uber successful athletes probably have some form of OCD, Manning's work ethic is incomparable or so it is said. It is the stuff of legends. He believes in himself. Granted, he may have many advantages (like the wisdom of a hall of fame quarterback father) he was willing to make the most of them.
Anyway, my point is that Peyton Manning works hard and he believes in himself (or that is the wide perception). Most, if not all, successful people believe in themselves. Sometimes people get lucky and may strike success on accident, but that is rare. Manning already has enough detractors and adversaries on the field. He is not willing to be one himself.
As applied to this situation, so what if people look down on me? I haven't really noticed that. Even if I did notice people looking down on me, I refuse to associate myself with someone like that. I am a real person with real feelings. My friends are the same. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, but my friends all understand there are ups and downs to life.
Like Dan Gilbert said "You got to die before you go to Heaven." Point to people who haven't gone through adversity in life, and it is almost a sure bet the people you are pointing to will have little or no character. Suffering breeds character. Humilliation breeds humility. That is just the way it is, the way it's always been.
This whole thing is very draining emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I failed this test all my friends have passed. People are passing at a rate of nearly 80 % on the first try. Sometimes, this makes my heartache; other days it causes me to get super frustrated; and yet other days I just wonder "what's wrong with me?" I can't dwell on this or it will be the death of me (on the inside).
I am a fighter through and through. I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and attack them head on. I am not helpless. None of us are. I will see this thing out no matter what it takes. I just keep telling myself "I can do this." Why? Because I know I can. I have come moderately close before, so I know I can do this. So when I start to feel anxiety, depression, or frustration I keep telling myself "I know I can pass."
I have to say my studying has been easier as of late. I have come to terms with my situation. I need to stay out of my own way. I was getting in my own way by focusing on everything that is wrong. That's usually what so called realists/pessimists call reality. How far will that take me though? Nowhere. Even if I had an answer to such a question, I don't suspect it would change much of anything. Hope will take me much further than doubt ever can. It might not take me all the way, but it is a start.
Self Defeatism is the worst possible hindrance to achieving any goal. Nearly everyone has doubts at some point even about themselves. But if I don't believe in me, who else will? In fact, why should I expect anyone else to believe in me if I don't believe in myself?
What if Peyton Manning was in the Locker room thought about how he didn't want to play football and that he wasn't the best? What if he whined about it all day? What if he complained about how slow he is and how his team is not necessarily the most talented on either side of the ball? He wouldn't be who he is today? I am not colts fan, but I acknowledge Mr. Manning as a potential Hall of famer and possibly one of the best ever.
What sets Manning apart? It's not his arm. Sure it helps to have a rocket arm like he has. But, at least a dozen or more quarterbacks playing in the NFL have that. It is not his athleticism. While he has good foot work, his coordination is not the best or even really good for that matter. I would venture to say Manning is probably in the bottom third or at least half for athleticism at his position. The difference is his work ethic, which leads to his self confidence.
Manning is renowned for his work ethic. This gives him a mental edge and a competitive toughness. While I do believe most uber successful athletes probably have some form of OCD, Manning's work ethic is incomparable or so it is said. It is the stuff of legends. He believes in himself. Granted, he may have many advantages (like the wisdom of a hall of fame quarterback father) he was willing to make the most of them.
Anyway, my point is that Peyton Manning works hard and he believes in himself (or that is the wide perception). Most, if not all, successful people believe in themselves. Sometimes people get lucky and may strike success on accident, but that is rare. Manning already has enough detractors and adversaries on the field. He is not willing to be one himself.
As applied to this situation, so what if people look down on me? I haven't really noticed that. Even if I did notice people looking down on me, I refuse to associate myself with someone like that. I am a real person with real feelings. My friends are the same. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, but my friends all understand there are ups and downs to life.
Like Dan Gilbert said "You got to die before you go to Heaven." Point to people who haven't gone through adversity in life, and it is almost a sure bet the people you are pointing to will have little or no character. Suffering breeds character. Humilliation breeds humility. That is just the way it is, the way it's always been.
This whole thing is very draining emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I failed this test all my friends have passed. People are passing at a rate of nearly 80 % on the first try. Sometimes, this makes my heartache; other days it causes me to get super frustrated; and yet other days I just wonder "what's wrong with me?" I can't dwell on this or it will be the death of me (on the inside).
I am a fighter through and through. I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and attack them head on. I am not helpless. None of us are. I will see this thing out no matter what it takes. I just keep telling myself "I can do this." Why? Because I know I can. I have come moderately close before, so I know I can do this. So when I start to feel anxiety, depression, or frustration I keep telling myself "I know I can pass."
I have to say my studying has been easier as of late. I have come to terms with my situation. I need to stay out of my own way. I was getting in my own way by focusing on everything that is wrong. That's usually what so called realists/pessimists call reality. How far will that take me though? Nowhere. Even if I had an answer to such a question, I don't suspect it would change much of anything. Hope will take me much further than doubt ever can. It might not take me all the way, but it is a start.
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