I'm not exactly sure who I am saying bye to. Maybe it is the old me. Maybe it's that period of my life during which I wrote this blog. I wish I would have had more readers. It would be nice to have gotten a little more feedback. Maybe I did a poor job with the name. Whatever the case, I think I'll put this blog to rest.
It was so helpful for me to have found this outlet. I did find a job finally. Thank G-d. It is for a government agency doing Criminal and civil. I have a lot of work to do in order to become competent. It is what I have worked for, a chance. I will do what I can to cease the opportunity. Maybe I'll blog about that. We'll see. Anyhow, I bid you all Adieu. May you come across a cause for which your spirit is moved. "A life without cause is a life without effect."
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Good luck to all of you Bar Exam Takers
I know I'm a bit late, if anyone is reading. I don't envy your positions. Take a deep breath and do the best you can. It is hard to keep the bar exam in perspective, but just take it one day at a time. Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thank you Letter; Taking the Oath of Attorney
After finally passing this last exam, I had it in my heart to write a thank you letter. I wrote one letter and sent it to my professors, faculty I knew but had not necessarily taken, administrators, and staff members at my law school to thank them. The idea is not original. I got it from a friend of mine who passed before me. However, I thinks she only wrote to professors and those she liked at that.
I didn't necessarily like all my professors, but I do appreciate all of their efforts. My "To" list ended up being about 30-40 names long. I don't necessarily like putting my business out there, but my desire for privacy was outweighed by my sense of obligation to thank those whom i felt helped me in some way.
Many people on my list were some with whom I only had brief conversations. But, many times the fact they let me pick their brains, and sacrificed free time made a strong impression on me. I take notice of things like that. Some of you probably assume there is no need to thank professors because if they teach, they are only doing their jobs. That may be so, but they should still be thanked because: A.) they are not obligated to care, yet most of the time they still do; and B.) they like us are humans, and a little affirmation can go a long way.
I took the oath of attorney today.
I didn't feel like waiting until May 2nd to get sworn in with a ton of other faceless bar passers in my county. I decided to schedule a private ceremony with a local judge. Your probably thinking "[a]fter waiting 1 1/2 years, you could wait another 3 weeks?" The answer is No. Flip that, and I mean that in the most expletive type way possible.
Doing private ceremonies for passers with family present was something the judge I clerked for used to do. What makes this option great is it is more personal while simultaneously maintaining officiousness. The familes have a chance to come in and feel like a part of the ceremony. I am certainly not ceremonious, but I knew my family would appreciate this, as this ordeal has been a group effort. It is all the better if you know the judge. I didn't know this one, but he was obliging and very amicable.
This whole thing is surreal. I am still in a sense of disbelief. I have become so much more humble then I used to be. I used to be so proud to be in Law School. I was so psyched to be taking the bar. Now, while I appreciate the challenges these endeavors have provided, I just reflect on how these trials have changed me, I think(and pray) for the better.
"Nothing is a given." My failures have cemented this lesson in me. My failures have made this chance to be a lawyer extremely meaningful. I will do my best to honor and uphold the profession. I cannot take it for granted. How appropriate is it in this lenten season I have figuratively resurrected on the third exam, while dying for the last two? How is that for symbolism?
I didn't necessarily like all my professors, but I do appreciate all of their efforts. My "To" list ended up being about 30-40 names long. I don't necessarily like putting my business out there, but my desire for privacy was outweighed by my sense of obligation to thank those whom i felt helped me in some way.
Many people on my list were some with whom I only had brief conversations. But, many times the fact they let me pick their brains, and sacrificed free time made a strong impression on me. I take notice of things like that. Some of you probably assume there is no need to thank professors because if they teach, they are only doing their jobs. That may be so, but they should still be thanked because: A.) they are not obligated to care, yet most of the time they still do; and B.) they like us are humans, and a little affirmation can go a long way.
I took the oath of attorney today.
Doing private ceremonies for passers with family present was something the judge I clerked for used to do. What makes this option great is it is more personal while simultaneously maintaining officiousness. The familes have a chance to come in and feel like a part of the ceremony. I am certainly not ceremonious, but I knew my family would appreciate this, as this ordeal has been a group effort. It is all the better if you know the judge. I didn't know this one, but he was obliging and very amicable.
This whole thing is surreal. I am still in a sense of disbelief. I have become so much more humble then I used to be. I used to be so proud to be in Law School. I was so psyched to be taking the bar. Now, while I appreciate the challenges these endeavors have provided, I just reflect on how these trials have changed me, I think(and pray) for the better.
"Nothing is a given." My failures have cemented this lesson in me. My failures have made this chance to be a lawyer extremely meaningful. I will do my best to honor and uphold the profession. I cannot take it for granted. How appropriate is it in this lenten season I have figuratively resurrected on the third exam, while dying for the last two? How is that for symbolism?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Bar Exam Study Recap: What worked + What did not, part 2
Here is a bullet list to summarize my strategy for this past exam:
Don't kid yourself. There is no honor code here. Don't try to start cold and test your fictional testtaking "savoir faire" by doing blocks of questions then subsequently reviewing blocks of rules. Doing questions coupled with immediate review is more efficient. It builds confidence, recognition, and good habits. You have to know the rules to play the game.
I have to be truthful here, I didn't really do that many multiple choice question for the state specific questions. I maybe did about 200-400. Florida Bar exam multiple choice, are extremely specific. They require cold, down pat memorization. Memorize any timing requirements for Civ Pro and Crim Pro. These subjects are on the exam every time. Memorize MBE Evidence as well as all State distinctions. This is on the exam every time as well. Your materials should tell you whatelse to focus on.
By listening to friends and reading, I came across a far better method. I read the essay and outlined the essay in 15 minutes; I then read the rules and copied it at least 3 times. In the beginning, I was writing the entire essay with the intro, rules, and analysis. Towards the end, I was only writing rules. If you don't know how to analyze by now, then you are not reading this blog because you did not graduate lawschool. Thus, you are not taking the bar exam. Trust yourself. You didn't make it this far without knowing how to analyze. If you don't, copy the analysis until you do. Alternatively, just copy the rule and make your own analysis.
That being said, this is one of the factors that helped me to finally pass. For me, it was a matter of repeatedly writing things out 15-20 times. Note, I did this by putting lare amounts of information (e.g. jurisdiction of Florida courts) into outline format. For shorter information, I wrote it out in sentences. It was a crude form of wrote memorization indeed. But, it worked well enough nonetheless.
- I found motivation/hope
- I outlined (not really because I already had them done)
- I read my outlines once (but reread particular sections or subsections which required clarification)
- I did MBE problems; reviewed the answers after each question; and wrote out the rules
- towards the end, I started to do larger quantities in a row to prepare for the exam
- I timed myself in the last month.
- Remember, you have 108 seconds per question.
- the same applied for State specific Multiple choice
- I did 1-3 essays a day
- I read the questions, read the answers, then re-wrote the essays
- In the last 3 weeks I memorized Essay rules and MBE rules.
- I typed my essays during actual exam administration (as opposed to handwriting as I previously did)
- GET YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT!!!
- Outline
- I read the outlines only once.
- MBE Questions(and state questions for that matter)
Don't kid yourself. There is no honor code here. Don't try to start cold and test your fictional testtaking "savoir faire" by doing blocks of questions then subsequently reviewing blocks of rules. Doing questions coupled with immediate review is more efficient. It builds confidence, recognition, and good habits. You have to know the rules to play the game.
I have to be truthful here, I didn't really do that many multiple choice question for the state specific questions. I maybe did about 200-400. Florida Bar exam multiple choice, are extremely specific. They require cold, down pat memorization. Memorize any timing requirements for Civ Pro and Crim Pro. These subjects are on the exam every time. Memorize MBE Evidence as well as all State distinctions. This is on the exam every time as well. Your materials should tell you whatelse to focus on.
- Essay Prep
By listening to friends and reading, I came across a far better method. I read the essay and outlined the essay in 15 minutes; I then read the rules and copied it at least 3 times. In the beginning, I was writing the entire essay with the intro, rules, and analysis. Towards the end, I was only writing rules. If you don't know how to analyze by now, then you are not reading this blog because you did not graduate lawschool. Thus, you are not taking the bar exam. Trust yourself. You didn't make it this far without knowing how to analyze. If you don't, copy the analysis until you do. Alternatively, just copy the rule and make your own analysis.
- Memorize
That being said, this is one of the factors that helped me to finally pass. For me, it was a matter of repeatedly writing things out 15-20 times. Note, I did this by putting lare amounts of information (e.g. jurisdiction of Florida courts) into outline format. For shorter information, I wrote it out in sentences. It was a crude form of wrote memorization indeed. But, it worked well enough nonetheless.
- Exercise regularly. Eat right.
- Miscellaneous
Monday, April 11, 2011
Bar Exam Study Recap: What worked + What did not, part 1: Materials
It is evening in these parts. I feel sort of relaxed. I never really pictured the day I would get to write this particular post. I've seen this type of post on similarly themed blogs and websites. I think it is a good idea. I'll try to be specific. But remember, you have to have the testicular fortitude and common sense to find and apply what is useful for you while disregarding what won't work for you.
What worked for me?
Finally, I took about 3 weeks to memorize long, hard complicated, rule statements for the MBE and essays. I was fortunate enough to recieve outlines from friends specifically structued for memorizing essay rules (but if you don't have this, read and write out the rules in the model answers and do what you must to memorize them verbatim). Also, I found, what I assume to be the best MBE outlines I've ever read at this link.
Basically, the Bar/bri materials include 2 primer books for the MBE (which are optional); two, long detailed outlines, one for state subjects and the other for MBE subjects; a condensed outline book called, the conviser outline, for State and MBE subjects; two books with Essay questions/answers, state multiple choice questions/answers; 2 books with Multiple Choice MBE questions/answers; Finally, Bar/bri lectures usually come with a lecture packet (though not always). Keep in mind, Bar/bri materials differ in format from state to state depending on the exam format. Also, I didn't use all of these materials.
Specifically, I was used the conviser outline, all of the State Essay questions and answers books, state subject multiple choice questions and answers, I used the lecture packets (specifically for State specific distinctions), as well as MBE questions and answers. I did away with the primer books and the long outlines. The primer books were not necessary and the long outlines are a prime example of information overload.
However, here is the Caveat: Bar/bri lectures, in my experience, were a fantastically inefficient use of my time; but the materials are fantastic for pointing out frequently tested State-M.B.E. distinctions. These are super important. If you choose to buy the outlines on the internet, see if you can purchase the lecture packets as well. Alternatively, seek a friend who has taken the course and see if they can e-mail or share the distinctions with you.
In the past, I would read the materials and pay particular attention. I focused hard and read for many hours. DON'T DO THIS unless, you are Rain man or Kim Peek. In the case you are either one of these people or similarly situated, you should be in Vegas or Atlantic City.
This time, I read the sections to see if I understood the gist. If I didn't, I reread sections that were difficult once more. Immediately after, I did problems. This was the extend of my use of the Conviser. I would refer to it very briefly only on occasions where I read an answer explanation which did not seem clear.
In my experience, solely reading outlines was passive learning. PASSIVE IS A DIRTY WORD!!! It has a minimal value. I learned the rules much better by doing the problems with immediate review. This helped me to put the rules in context. This method of doing the problems and writing the rules was more active forcing my mind to wrestle with the rule, its applications, exceptions, nuances, etc. . .
This was not the first time I did this many problems. I did way more the first time I took this exam. But, I never absorbed the reasoning behind the answer. You cannot forget something you never learned. Although, in my previous attempt I did look at the explanations, it was all too brief. Thus, I did not have the connaisance necessary to apply what I read.
Here is some other stuff I used though sparingly: "Black's Law dictionary"; PMBR Lectures; hand made flash cards (but the value for me in these was in writing them); and flashcardexchange.com.
I discovered it later (way too late in fact). But, I found pre-made state specific flashcards, MBE flashcards, Bar Exam Mnemonic flashcards; if you have an account you can save others' flashcards, you can edit flashcards, or you can make your own. You can access these flashcards at any time if you have internet access. I also created a Google document (on Google documents) to write my rule statements. I waivered back and forth between it and writing pads ultimately typing when I was running out of time.
That is it. I'll break this up and comment about what worked and what didn't work in my next post.
What worked for me?
- A quick summation:
Finally, I took about 3 weeks to memorize long, hard complicated, rule statements for the MBE and essays. I was fortunate enough to recieve outlines from friends specifically structued for memorizing essay rules (but if you don't have this, read and write out the rules in the model answers and do what you must to memorize them verbatim). Also, I found, what I assume to be the best MBE outlines I've ever read at this link.
- Materials
- Bar/Bri MBE Outlines & Questions, State Outlines & Questions.
Basically, the Bar/bri materials include 2 primer books for the MBE (which are optional); two, long detailed outlines, one for state subjects and the other for MBE subjects; a condensed outline book called, the conviser outline, for State and MBE subjects; two books with Essay questions/answers, state multiple choice questions/answers; 2 books with Multiple Choice MBE questions/answers; Finally, Bar/bri lectures usually come with a lecture packet (though not always). Keep in mind, Bar/bri materials differ in format from state to state depending on the exam format. Also, I didn't use all of these materials.
Specifically, I was used the conviser outline, all of the State Essay questions and answers books, state subject multiple choice questions and answers, I used the lecture packets (specifically for State specific distinctions), as well as MBE questions and answers. I did away with the primer books and the long outlines. The primer books were not necessary and the long outlines are a prime example of information overload.
However, here is the Caveat: Bar/bri lectures, in my experience, were a fantastically inefficient use of my time; but the materials are fantastic for pointing out frequently tested State-M.B.E. distinctions. These are super important. If you choose to buy the outlines on the internet, see if you can purchase the lecture packets as well. Alternatively, seek a friend who has taken the course and see if they can e-mail or share the distinctions with you.
In the past, I would read the materials and pay particular attention. I focused hard and read for many hours. DON'T DO THIS unless, you are Rain man or Kim Peek. In the case you are either one of these people or similarly situated, you should be in Vegas or Atlantic City.
This time, I read the sections to see if I understood the gist. If I didn't, I reread sections that were difficult once more. Immediately after, I did problems. This was the extend of my use of the Conviser. I would refer to it very briefly only on occasions where I read an answer explanation which did not seem clear.
In my experience, solely reading outlines was passive learning. PASSIVE IS A DIRTY WORD!!! It has a minimal value. I learned the rules much better by doing the problems with immediate review. This helped me to put the rules in context. This method of doing the problems and writing the rules was more active forcing my mind to wrestle with the rule, its applications, exceptions, nuances, etc. . .
This was not the first time I did this many problems. I did way more the first time I took this exam. But, I never absorbed the reasoning behind the answer. You cannot forget something you never learned. Although, in my previous attempt I did look at the explanations, it was all too brief. Thus, I did not have the connaisance necessary to apply what I read.
- PMBR: Red book and Green book of MBE Questions and explanations
- MBE Outlines: (Please refer to the link I pasted above)
- Miscellaneous
Here is some other stuff I used though sparingly: "Black's Law dictionary"; PMBR Lectures; hand made flash cards (but the value for me in these was in writing them); and flashcardexchange.com.
I discovered it later (way too late in fact). But, I found pre-made state specific flashcards, MBE flashcards, Bar Exam Mnemonic flashcards; if you have an account you can save others' flashcards, you can edit flashcards, or you can make your own. You can access these flashcards at any time if you have internet access. I also created a Google document (on Google documents) to write my rule statements. I waivered back and forth between it and writing pads ultimately typing when I was running out of time.
That is it. I'll break this up and comment about what worked and what didn't work in my next post.
I PASSED!!! WOO HOO!!!
Okay. The Florida bar released results via computer today. The Florida Board of bar examiners releases results by listing applicant file numbers, from lowest to highest, followed by a pass or fail indication.
So, my friend texted me today and asked "[w]hat is the word[?]" It was past 11:00 a.m. I knew he was referring to the bar exam results, but I thought results were coming in at 1:00 p.m. I had just stepped out the door hoping to run some erands. I had to renew my driver's license and registration. I was hoping to make my day a productive one to keep my mind off what I knew to be the inevitable.
Anyways, my friend told me he passed. I was stoked. He is doing an L.L.M. and he worked really hard while studying hard at the same time. I was happy to hear that. But, by the same token my heart began to pulsate more rapidly. I became a bit more anxious although I did my best to subdue it. I responded, "Congrats. I didn't check yet. I'll let you know."
I informed my aunt results were released. She insisted on going back to the house because she could not stand the anticipation. I logged on to my laptop, went straight to Google, searched for the Florida board of bar examiners, and voi la. I checked my applicant number, actually I quadruple checked it (even though it is the same one I've had for the past 2 years) and by the grace of G-d it said: PASS, PASS, PASS.
I dropped to my knees, and prayed a thank you prayer. I texted my friends and family in three sets of a repeated message. I had to thank them all for their support, encouragement, and counsel. But, before I got to the second set I was bombarded with phonecalls from well wishers and congratulators. I recieved a ton of return text messages as well.
How do I feel? Happy? Not so much, although surely I am happy in some small sense. But, honestly I am feeling an overwhelming sense of RELIEF to the Umpth degree.
Some of my family and friend are in tears. I'm not, but I understand. They have supported me aimlessly and without reserve. They have been there for all of the ups and the downs as well. This was a group effort. I cannot and will not take the credit all on my own. It wouldn't be honest, nor would it be right to do so.
Now, I am waiting on my "oath of attorney" to arrive. Then, I will get sworn in. I am not into ceremonies, but I think I will bring my grandparents and take photos. They will enjoy it. Wow!!!
So, my friend texted me today and asked "[w]hat is the word[?]" It was past 11:00 a.m. I knew he was referring to the bar exam results, but I thought results were coming in at 1:00 p.m. I had just stepped out the door hoping to run some erands. I had to renew my driver's license and registration. I was hoping to make my day a productive one to keep my mind off what I knew to be the inevitable.
Anyways, my friend told me he passed. I was stoked. He is doing an L.L.M. and he worked really hard while studying hard at the same time. I was happy to hear that. But, by the same token my heart began to pulsate more rapidly. I became a bit more anxious although I did my best to subdue it. I responded, "Congrats. I didn't check yet. I'll let you know."
I informed my aunt results were released. She insisted on going back to the house because she could not stand the anticipation. I logged on to my laptop, went straight to Google, searched for the Florida board of bar examiners, and voi la. I checked my applicant number, actually I quadruple checked it (even though it is the same one I've had for the past 2 years) and by the grace of G-d it said: PASS, PASS, PASS.
I dropped to my knees, and prayed a thank you prayer. I texted my friends and family in three sets of a repeated message. I had to thank them all for their support, encouragement, and counsel. But, before I got to the second set I was bombarded with phonecalls from well wishers and congratulators. I recieved a ton of return text messages as well.
How do I feel? Happy? Not so much, although surely I am happy in some small sense. But, honestly I am feeling an overwhelming sense of RELIEF to the Umpth degree.
Now, I am waiting on my "oath of attorney" to arrive. Then, I will get sworn in. I am not into ceremonies, but I think I will bring my grandparents and take photos. They will enjoy it. Wow!!!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Memorization Epiphany:
I have mentioned learning types many times. At the basest assessment, I am a kinesthetic learner meaning I learn from partaking in activity. One of the things I read about was writing a rule out after you miss a question with it. I have never attempted nor even thought possible for myself to memorize large volumes of material. I thought I had to have familiarity and that would suffice. Well, I have rethought this.
I came across a post at All4jds.com., a website comprised of forums dealing with lawschool, bar exam, and lawyering related topics. So, when of the posts was about how to increase memory. A poster replied and posted a link to his company page http://lawprism.com/. Basically, he runs a california company and helps people prepare for the "California bar exam" and the "Baby bar." He did this lecture, which you can access Here . It's two hours but definitely worth listening to.
Towards the end he talked about how he studied for the "Baby bar" or "First year law school exam" in California. [For those who don't know, California allows people to go to California accredited lawschools for a year or 2 and take an examination which will give them a license to practice law in the State of California only.] So, at the end he said he was down to 72 or so hours, If I remember correctly, and proceeded to type the rules out 15-20 times in order to achieve rote memorization of the necessary rules. He didn't advocate this approach for the regular bar exam.
I was down to about 20 days. I was panicking and I knew I had to memorize. I stopped doing practice MBE questions and writing essays. I picked up outlines and started to read them and repeat them to myself, because, although painstaking and not efficient, I didn't know what else to do. I was able to memorize some things but the memory traces were not as strong as I knew I needed them to be to achieve success.
So, with about 10 days left, I came across that lecture, pro gratis, of course. I listened to the whole thing. It was a topic I had been researching for a while and it was of interest to me. I began to employ that technique of typing everything out.
I couldn't type everything. First of all, there wasn't enough time at that point. I had to make the best and most reasonable use of my time which is what any lawyer or aspiring attorney would be expected to do. Second of all, it was'nt necessary. For example, I am pretty certain U.C.C. Article 2 governs contracts for the sale of goods. I could recite that rule in my sleep I have heard it so many times. But that is me. If I did not know it well and/or I needed to be reminded, I would write it out. I focused on things that tended to trip me up, that had many elements, or that I really had issues recalling. Also, certain things are not likely to be tested. For example, a contract can be written or oral. This is great to know. It's important. However, without getting into statute of fraud issues or the "can of worms" it leads to, it is unlikely the bar exam will ask you a question calling for that stand alone statement. It is the best example I can think of, but I hope you get the point. Bar examiners don't and can't really test everything.
Additionally, I didn't write everything full out. For example, I needed to learn the jurisdiction of the Florida courts. I drafted it into an outline format like this:
I used this to spit out some of the most specific, detailed, and concise rule statements I have ever written. I used to think the rule statements in the Barbri outlines were impossible until I learned this technique. I am not sure this is the best way. But, it is far more better for me to do this than it is for me to read an outline and close my eyes hoping the words will magically appear in my mind.
The obvious Caveat is, this might not work for everyone. If it doesn't don't bother with it. If it does, then more power to you. Like anything else, it takes work and is not magic. Sometimes it would take me 7-10 times before I could write something without having to refer to the source. But, like clockwork, I was able to recall and rewrite the rule, statement, or outline I had copied by the 15th to 20th time nearly without fail.
Also, I don't really want to go into detail about it in this post, and probably not on this blog for that matter. But, a tip to strengthen the memory trace in addition to writing, is to speak what is being written, and to read what you just wrote as well. To put it simply, when we store something into memory we create a pathway in the brain to do it. If a person writes, this creates one pathway. These pathways can break if they are not strong and this is what causes difficulty retrieving memories when they are absolutely needed. This could be the result of increased stress (such as when taking exams) or other emotional scenarios. However, if a person writes, reads aloud, and visualizes the same information, the memory trace is much stronger. This means, the memory will be easier to retrieve.
I will post some more about this later on.
I came across a post at All4jds.com., a website comprised of forums dealing with lawschool, bar exam, and lawyering related topics. So, when of the posts was about how to increase memory. A poster replied and posted a link to his company page http://lawprism.com/. Basically, he runs a california company and helps people prepare for the "California bar exam" and the "Baby bar." He did this lecture, which you can access Here . It's two hours but definitely worth listening to.
Towards the end he talked about how he studied for the "Baby bar" or "First year law school exam" in California. [For those who don't know, California allows people to go to California accredited lawschools for a year or 2 and take an examination which will give them a license to practice law in the State of California only.] So, at the end he said he was down to 72 or so hours, If I remember correctly, and proceeded to type the rules out 15-20 times in order to achieve rote memorization of the necessary rules. He didn't advocate this approach for the regular bar exam.
I was down to about 20 days. I was panicking and I knew I had to memorize. I stopped doing practice MBE questions and writing essays. I picked up outlines and started to read them and repeat them to myself, because, although painstaking and not efficient, I didn't know what else to do. I was able to memorize some things but the memory traces were not as strong as I knew I needed them to be to achieve success.
So, with about 10 days left, I came across that lecture, pro gratis, of course. I listened to the whole thing. It was a topic I had been researching for a while and it was of interest to me. I began to employ that technique of typing everything out.
I couldn't type everything. First of all, there wasn't enough time at that point. I had to make the best and most reasonable use of my time which is what any lawyer or aspiring attorney would be expected to do. Second of all, it was'nt necessary. For example, I am pretty certain U.C.C. Article 2 governs contracts for the sale of goods. I could recite that rule in my sleep I have heard it so many times. But that is me. If I did not know it well and/or I needed to be reminded, I would write it out. I focused on things that tended to trip me up, that had many elements, or that I really had issues recalling. Also, certain things are not likely to be tested. For example, a contract can be written or oral. This is great to know. It's important. However, without getting into statute of fraud issues or the "can of worms" it leads to, it is unlikely the bar exam will ask you a question calling for that stand alone statement. It is the best example I can think of, but I hope you get the point. Bar examiners don't and can't really test everything.
Additionally, I didn't write everything full out. For example, I needed to learn the jurisdiction of the Florida courts. I drafted it into an outline format like this:
- FL Supreme Ct.
- Mandatory
- Death penalty
- Bonds
- Invalidation of State statutes or constitutional provisions
- Statewide Utility rate decisions
- Discretionary
- Class of Constitutional officers
- Conflicting decisions
- Validation of State statutes or constitutional provisions
- "Great public importance"cases
- Federally Certified questions
- Bypass certification
- Writs
- No Certiorari
I used this to spit out some of the most specific, detailed, and concise rule statements I have ever written. I used to think the rule statements in the Barbri outlines were impossible until I learned this technique. I am not sure this is the best way. But, it is far more better for me to do this than it is for me to read an outline and close my eyes hoping the words will magically appear in my mind.
The obvious Caveat is, this might not work for everyone. If it doesn't don't bother with it. If it does, then more power to you. Like anything else, it takes work and is not magic. Sometimes it would take me 7-10 times before I could write something without having to refer to the source. But, like clockwork, I was able to recall and rewrite the rule, statement, or outline I had copied by the 15th to 20th time nearly without fail.
Also, I don't really want to go into detail about it in this post, and probably not on this blog for that matter. But, a tip to strengthen the memory trace in addition to writing, is to speak what is being written, and to read what you just wrote as well. To put it simply, when we store something into memory we create a pathway in the brain to do it. If a person writes, this creates one pathway. These pathways can break if they are not strong and this is what causes difficulty retrieving memories when they are absolutely needed. This could be the result of increased stress (such as when taking exams) or other emotional scenarios. However, if a person writes, reads aloud, and visualizes the same information, the memory trace is much stronger. This means, the memory will be easier to retrieve.
I will post some more about this later on.
The "Reverse Perfect Score"
I stayed with two friends of mine this time. It was great to see them, but of course we all wished it wasn't under these circumstances. Nonetheless, when we get together, we reminisce of course and talk about how our other acquaintences and friends are doing. These two guys, are pretty funny and we all keep it "light" while we shoot the breeze.
So we were talking about a friend of ours called Stan. When Stan's name came up one friend and I asked about him and how he faired on the exam. My other friend replied, "Stan got a perfect score." The former friend and I replied "perfect score?" So, the second freind went on to explain.
Stan received a 136 on the state portion and a 136 on the MBE, and aggregate of 272 for a combined 136 average. This was not a point more nor a point less than what was precisely needed to pass. According to my friend's logic, Stan did precisely the amount of work necessary. He further elaborated about people that score 150s or higher and how those scores reflect a person who has wasted 10-20 days of their life studying while they could have been doing something more "worthwhile." He concluded by saying: "Stan got the Reverse perfect Score."
We all cracked up about this. That's not really how I operate, but for my friend who explained this comment I understand his point of view. He is gifted student, who, while failing the first attempt at the Florida Bar examination, only committed about 20 or so hours of work to it. He only failed by 1 point. In comparison, I spent at least 100 hours (and probably way more) studying for that test and I failed by 6 points. This is a guy who, even now, is apportioning his time by completing an L.L.M. at a tier 1 Tax L.L.M. program. He was about the same in Law School. He would pull off amazing grades with "Reverse Perfect" effort, so to speak.
I do not buy into this theory at all. I come hard, or I don't come at all. "Something worth doing, is worth doing well." Overpreparation is possible, but not for something like the bar for what my opinion is worth. Anyway, that is the "reverse perfect score."
So we were talking about a friend of ours called Stan. When Stan's name came up one friend and I asked about him and how he faired on the exam. My other friend replied, "Stan got a perfect score." The former friend and I replied "perfect score?" So, the second freind went on to explain.
Stan received a 136 on the state portion and a 136 on the MBE, and aggregate of 272 for a combined 136 average. This was not a point more nor a point less than what was precisely needed to pass. According to my friend's logic, Stan did precisely the amount of work necessary. He further elaborated about people that score 150s or higher and how those scores reflect a person who has wasted 10-20 days of their life studying while they could have been doing something more "worthwhile." He concluded by saying: "Stan got the Reverse perfect Score."
We all cracked up about this. That's not really how I operate, but for my friend who explained this comment I understand his point of view. He is gifted student, who, while failing the first attempt at the Florida Bar examination, only committed about 20 or so hours of work to it. He only failed by 1 point. In comparison, I spent at least 100 hours (and probably way more) studying for that test and I failed by 6 points. This is a guy who, even now, is apportioning his time by completing an L.L.M. at a tier 1 Tax L.L.M. program. He was about the same in Law School. He would pull off amazing grades with "Reverse Perfect" effort, so to speak.
I do not buy into this theory at all. I come hard, or I don't come at all. "Something worth doing, is worth doing well." Overpreparation is possible, but not for something like the bar for what my opinion is worth. Anyway, that is the "reverse perfect score."
Back again. Yay
What's up world? It's been a while. I am home after taking the Bar again for the 3rd time. Hopefully it was the last time. Taking the bar is expensive business especially in Florida. There is only one testing site unlike most other states. So, unless you live near tampa you will have to stay in a hotel and travel to and from Tampa and depending on where you go, it could get costly.
Well, I don't want to convolute the posts and mix things up. I have plenty I would like to say, so I will do it in installments.
Well, I don't want to convolute the posts and mix things up. I have plenty I would like to say, so I will do it in installments.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas! :-)
I am just chiming in to say Merry Christmas. For my family and I, this is a time we use to reflect on our blessings. Please, use this time and do the same. The glass cannot always be half empty. So focus on your loved ones, those who love you, your friends, etc. . . and remember why you love them and how they have loved you regardless of the failures and faults that exist. If you don't have any loved ones, well . . . remember why you love yourself and reflect on how you will make yourself better this upcoming year. Best regards and may G-d bless you all.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Slim fit jeans not such a slim fit; Bodyrocking
The title says it all. I am a fitness freak. I love human bodies in all shapes and sizes for their aesthetics, strength, flexibility, and all the incredible feats a human body is capable of. I love to stay in shape too if possible. I had to quit my gym membership at one of the local gyms here because it was way too expensive given my current situation. To me, it was worth the money but I just could not pay it.
Fortunately, I was able to replace it with a cheaper and more affordable one. Mind you I have had a lay off of about a month or so from working out. Aside from not having a gym membership I was in a poor mental frame which made it difficult to workout. However, my slim (not skinny) fit jeans changed my mind.
I tried on my slim jeans a week or two ago and they fit uncomfortably. It is a wake up call. I don't want to be in irredeemable shape (not that such a state exists) before I have to trudge my way back into shape again. I have been through that cyle a handful of times and it is tough. However, I refuse to spend hours and hours in the gym again like I previously did. Don't get me wrong. I love to workout and I love spending hours in the gym. However, i would rather use that time to do other things like study. So what am I supposed to do?
Here is the answer:
Meet Frederick and Zuzana light. They run a website and a vlog called Bodyrock.tv. On this vlog they mainly talk about fitness. Zuzana is the main subject of the videos and she always demonstrates the workouts and gives fitness insights. The best part is the workouts are really short. They are usually anywhere from 4- 30 minutes. They are full body workouts, and they are super intense. Along with the workouts, there is a great supportive community (of which I am a new member); Zuzana, Freddie, and other community members offer recipes, inspirational stories, and discussions about travel.
So, I have traditionally been a weightlifting and heavy cardio type of guy in the past. I really aim for the V shape and I have always wanted to be ripped. But, Zuzana's body says it all:
She has the best physique in terms of fitness I have ever seen for a female. If she can do that, I am excited to see how far I can get as well. Most of the workouts require little or no equipment; they are short; they burn tons of fat, they increase strength, and they increase flexibility. Its a win win, no?
What does this have to do with the bar exam? Don't forget, working out is good for memory and it helps the brain to function better overall by increase blood flow and circulation to the brain. I am already seeing results after a week or so of workouts. Check it out when you guys have a chance. She does all of her workouts from home. Her intention is actually to start a home workout movement. Ironically enough, because of my situation, I do these workouts at my gym. Go figure.
Fortunately, I was able to replace it with a cheaper and more affordable one. Mind you I have had a lay off of about a month or so from working out. Aside from not having a gym membership I was in a poor mental frame which made it difficult to workout. However, my slim (not skinny) fit jeans changed my mind.
I tried on my slim jeans a week or two ago and they fit uncomfortably. It is a wake up call. I don't want to be in irredeemable shape (not that such a state exists) before I have to trudge my way back into shape again. I have been through that cyle a handful of times and it is tough. However, I refuse to spend hours and hours in the gym again like I previously did. Don't get me wrong. I love to workout and I love spending hours in the gym. However, i would rather use that time to do other things like study. So what am I supposed to do?
Here is the answer:
Meet Frederick and Zuzana light. They run a website and a vlog called Bodyrock.tv. On this vlog they mainly talk about fitness. Zuzana is the main subject of the videos and she always demonstrates the workouts and gives fitness insights. The best part is the workouts are really short. They are usually anywhere from 4- 30 minutes. They are full body workouts, and they are super intense. Along with the workouts, there is a great supportive community (of which I am a new member); Zuzana, Freddie, and other community members offer recipes, inspirational stories, and discussions about travel.
So, I have traditionally been a weightlifting and heavy cardio type of guy in the past. I really aim for the V shape and I have always wanted to be ripped. But, Zuzana's body says it all:
What does this have to do with the bar exam? Don't forget, working out is good for memory and it helps the brain to function better overall by increase blood flow and circulation to the brain. I am already seeing results after a week or so of workouts. Check it out when you guys have a chance. She does all of her workouts from home. Her intention is actually to start a home workout movement. Ironically enough, because of my situation, I do these workouts at my gym. Go figure.
I want to move
Of course, it is the most wonderful time of the year, right? Here in the transient, retirement, and commuter state of Florida, the "snowbirds" are coming back down; traffic is increasing; vacation and seasonal homes are filling up; Commercial services, retailers, and service industries are booming; and natives along with former natives are coming back into town. Ode to joy.
I obviously moved back to the town I am from because my family lives here. I am not necessarily in a position to up and move right now and i am lucky to have a place to stay. Nonetheless, every year around this time, I always end up running into some "kid" or two I used to know. I was a semi-popular kid for whatever it's worth. But at the end of the day, that counts for jackspit. I don't like to visit the past. In fact, I like the past right where it is, "in the past!" Better yet, I would love to erase some of the past if that was possible and start from scratch.
I am a way different person now then I was back then. I have grown by leaps and bounds. I LOVE DISCRETION. I like to keep my business in house. I want to be out of sight, thus out of mind. I like things to be uneventful, smoothe, and under control. When things the waves come in, I like to go with the flow for the most part.
It's always around this time that I run into these people, gossip mongers and people who still think I am 14, and usually pointless conversations ensue. Conversations always go something like:
I've never really had to face anything like that, but that is because I keep to myself and I have a very small tight knit circle of friends. True friends are nearly impossible to come by, so when you find them reciprocate the love and keep them. Let them know you have their backs. Look out for them as you expect them to look out for you.
The thing about the past and the people in it is many times these people want to chain you to your past. People evolve, almost daily. We develop different tastes. We grow to love and hate. We form and unform different relationships. People are complex evolving organisms always adapting and everchanging. To think you have someone pegged down is often a mistake. People will surprise you. The best expectations are no expectations. Don't be tied down to your past and the people in it. Allow yourself the freedom to grow and to be better.
I obviously moved back to the town I am from because my family lives here. I am not necessarily in a position to up and move right now and i am lucky to have a place to stay. Nonetheless, every year around this time, I always end up running into some "kid" or two I used to know. I was a semi-popular kid for whatever it's worth. But at the end of the day, that counts for jackspit. I don't like to visit the past. In fact, I like the past right where it is, "in the past!" Better yet, I would love to erase some of the past if that was possible and start from scratch.
I am a way different person now then I was back then. I have grown by leaps and bounds. I LOVE DISCRETION. I like to keep my business in house. I want to be out of sight, thus out of mind. I like things to be uneventful, smoothe, and under control. When things the waves come in, I like to go with the flow for the most part.
It's always around this time that I run into these people, gossip mongers and people who still think I am 14, and usually pointless conversations ensue. Conversations always go something like:
- Some kid: Hi (lowly file clerk/J.D.)
- Me: Hey. How are you?
- Some kid: Good. What have you been up to?
- Me: Not much. You know, this and that.
- Some kid: What are you doing now.
- Me: Oh not much of anything. Like I said.
- Some kid: Oh. Do you still keep in touch with so and so?
- Me: Who? Sorry, I don't remember who that is.
- Some kid: Okay. I'm sure I'll see you around.
- Me: Indeed.
I've never really had to face anything like that, but that is because I keep to myself and I have a very small tight knit circle of friends. True friends are nearly impossible to come by, so when you find them reciprocate the love and keep them. Let them know you have their backs. Look out for them as you expect them to look out for you.
The thing about the past and the people in it is many times these people want to chain you to your past. People evolve, almost daily. We develop different tastes. We grow to love and hate. We form and unform different relationships. People are complex evolving organisms always adapting and everchanging. To think you have someone pegged down is often a mistake. People will surprise you. The best expectations are no expectations. Don't be tied down to your past and the people in it. Allow yourself the freedom to grow and to be better.
MBE Strategy Dilemma?
Everything is moving along. I am a far cry from the whining cry baby who felt so sorry for himself just a few weeks ago. Reality has galvanized me. Every day I turn on my computer, I see the days on the countdown timer winding down. Watching those days disappear is a gutcheck every single time.
I can't emphasize this enough, but "I am a fighter." It is one thing if I get beat, but it is another thing if I get beat and don't put up a fight. Life is a series of beatings, and we are judged by our ability to recover from them. This includes the beatdown I have twice taken called the bar exam. It is a necessary adversary and I will do my best to overcome it.
My confidence is growing as far as my test preparation is concerned. My adopted strategy of writing out the answers has really helped me to improve my practice percentages and overall recognition, and memorization of the law. However, the answer writeups are taking much longer than I would like. As I posted previously, I have adopted a strategy of taking chunks of MBE questions under heightened time constraints (90 seconds instead of 108 seconds per question), reviewing my answers to see where I went wrong or where I got lucky, and writing out the rules to those answers by hand or by typing.
I have recently been doing them by hand. This is great, because I am forced to pay attention to what i am writing thus reading and engraving said rules in my brain. Typing, has a similar effect but it is easier to type something without paying as much attention to it. But even with typing, familiarity still increases. But for people who type faster then they write, this may save 1/3 or more of your time when doing write ups. So my dilemma is this: Do I type to cover more questions thus giving me more overall familiarity with questions and question types; or should I sacrifice a little speed for more in depth familiarity with the law and certain question types?
I read in a successful repeater's blog, it may take 2 to three times as much time to do a writeup review of your answers as it does to take a set number of MBE practice problems. I have found this to be true. Couple this with the fact I am now doing MBE questions at a clip of 100 questions. I gave myself 2 1/2 hours to do the test under a heightened time constraint. However, it still took about 3 to completely finish.
The weaker your familiarity is with the subject, the longer your writeup will be. Although, this is said to get much easier as you grow in familiarity with previous mistakes and start to score more efficiently. For instance, I did very well in torts in law school and I understand it well. I did horrible in Contracts. I was able to finish my torts write up for 100 questions and about 34 misses in about 5-7 hours. My write up for 100 contracts questions and 33 misses took me nearly 9 hours. I handwrote both of these.
This is a matter of bar exam strategy. As of now, the Florida Board of Bar Examiners allows bar exam takers to pass either the state or MBE portion of the exam and fail the other portion. If this happens, an applicant can still pass with enough aggregated points from the combined state and MBE scores. If the applicant does not have enough aggregated points, he or she may retake the exam portion they failed and carry over the score from the portion they passed on the previous examination.
As for my MBE I was 2-5 questions away from passing on both exams. I believe this write up strategy will get me over the top and allow me to score the extra points I need to pass. So, based on my previous MBE scores and my increased knowledge and familiarity, I should pass whether I type or handwrite my MBE practice writeups. However, I still need to get as many points as I can to try to help me on the state portion.
I have been much weaker on my state portions in the past most especially on my essay scores. Most of this has to do with a lack of strategy, lack of practice, and poor practice performance. My newly adopted essay strategy will increase my score. In fact, it should increase it enough to help me pass. But, I don't want to take any chances. I will have to weigh the merits of my MBE strategies and modify accordingly. I'll have to think this out today and make a move.
I can't emphasize this enough, but "I am a fighter." It is one thing if I get beat, but it is another thing if I get beat and don't put up a fight. Life is a series of beatings, and we are judged by our ability to recover from them. This includes the beatdown I have twice taken called the bar exam. It is a necessary adversary and I will do my best to overcome it.
My confidence is growing as far as my test preparation is concerned. My adopted strategy of writing out the answers has really helped me to improve my practice percentages and overall recognition, and memorization of the law. However, the answer writeups are taking much longer than I would like. As I posted previously, I have adopted a strategy of taking chunks of MBE questions under heightened time constraints (90 seconds instead of 108 seconds per question), reviewing my answers to see where I went wrong or where I got lucky, and writing out the rules to those answers by hand or by typing.
I have recently been doing them by hand. This is great, because I am forced to pay attention to what i am writing thus reading and engraving said rules in my brain. Typing, has a similar effect but it is easier to type something without paying as much attention to it. But even with typing, familiarity still increases. But for people who type faster then they write, this may save 1/3 or more of your time when doing write ups. So my dilemma is this: Do I type to cover more questions thus giving me more overall familiarity with questions and question types; or should I sacrifice a little speed for more in depth familiarity with the law and certain question types?
I read in a successful repeater's blog, it may take 2 to three times as much time to do a writeup review of your answers as it does to take a set number of MBE practice problems. I have found this to be true. Couple this with the fact I am now doing MBE questions at a clip of 100 questions. I gave myself 2 1/2 hours to do the test under a heightened time constraint. However, it still took about 3 to completely finish.
The weaker your familiarity is with the subject, the longer your writeup will be. Although, this is said to get much easier as you grow in familiarity with previous mistakes and start to score more efficiently. For instance, I did very well in torts in law school and I understand it well. I did horrible in Contracts. I was able to finish my torts write up for 100 questions and about 34 misses in about 5-7 hours. My write up for 100 contracts questions and 33 misses took me nearly 9 hours. I handwrote both of these.
This is a matter of bar exam strategy. As of now, the Florida Board of Bar Examiners allows bar exam takers to pass either the state or MBE portion of the exam and fail the other portion. If this happens, an applicant can still pass with enough aggregated points from the combined state and MBE scores. If the applicant does not have enough aggregated points, he or she may retake the exam portion they failed and carry over the score from the portion they passed on the previous examination.
As for my MBE I was 2-5 questions away from passing on both exams. I believe this write up strategy will get me over the top and allow me to score the extra points I need to pass. So, based on my previous MBE scores and my increased knowledge and familiarity, I should pass whether I type or handwrite my MBE practice writeups. However, I still need to get as many points as I can to try to help me on the state portion.
I have been much weaker on my state portions in the past most especially on my essay scores. Most of this has to do with a lack of strategy, lack of practice, and poor practice performance. My newly adopted essay strategy will increase my score. In fact, it should increase it enough to help me pass. But, I don't want to take any chances. I will have to weigh the merits of my MBE strategies and modify accordingly. I'll have to think this out today and make a move.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Essay study help. I seem to be more kinisthetic than I thought.
I just wanted to share a quick essay tip I have recently taken to. Basically, the crux of the tip is writing out the rules in an model essay answer out by hand. This is a tip my a few friends of mine, one who passed the Florida bar (and New York I think), and another who passed Tennessee. I have read about similar though modified strategies elsewhere. My compatriots read essay questions, read the answers, and wrote the answers by hand. One of them said they would read the answers and try to issue spot while the other said she did not.
So, I have incorporated this into my studying. I will read a question in a timeframe of 15 minutes and I will try to issue spot for 5 minutes and outline if I can within that same 5 minutes. By writing the essays out a mere two times, I have been able to memorize so much more of the information. By reading what I write, I have been forced to synthesize the information into my mind. This tip may just be what I need to put me over the top this time. This revelation is a much needed boost to my confidence. Additionally, I will reread the fact pattern with the same time constraints and attempt to formulate the essay outline to be close to the model answer I previously read.
I tried this techinqe starting out with Business entities. The reason I began with this topic is because it is first alphabetically in my Bar/bri materials. For anyone who has taken or studied for Florida, this is not a topic they have tested in the last 12-20 years as an essay topic. But, you can never be too careful. This techniqe has helped familiarize myself with possible issues as a pattern begins to emerge if you do enough of them. Also, the constant reading and subsequent writing of the rules has helped me to remember them much more than anything else I have done concerning my bar studies or law school for that matter.
In the past when practicing essays, I would read the information and hold my self to some fictitious honor code where I could not use an outline and where I had to remember what I just read without reference. Sure, it works, but not as well or as quickly as this new strategy seems to be working (at least in my case). I think it has a lot to do with my learning style. Good thing I finally seemed to have figured this out, although it has been 29 years in coming.
In fact, I might even incorporate this into my MBE studies. As of the moment, my MBE strategy is to do the problems under heightened time constratints, and to review the answers and explanations by typing them out on a google document. However, writing takes me longer but it may be more beneficial. It is something to consider, although it would cost me more time in reviewing if I do this way thus preventing me from being able to do more problems.
Wow, I am really excited. Maybe you can tell from the rambling I just did in this post. But, remember this. When it comes to studying, everyone seems to have a suggestion and they are almost all different. What works for one person may not work others. This tip is probably useless for some and great for others. So, I hope this will help someone as well as myself. Do what is best and most suited for you. Do whatever it takes to find out what that is.
So, I have incorporated this into my studying. I will read a question in a timeframe of 15 minutes and I will try to issue spot for 5 minutes and outline if I can within that same 5 minutes. By writing the essays out a mere two times, I have been able to memorize so much more of the information. By reading what I write, I have been forced to synthesize the information into my mind. This tip may just be what I need to put me over the top this time. This revelation is a much needed boost to my confidence. Additionally, I will reread the fact pattern with the same time constraints and attempt to formulate the essay outline to be close to the model answer I previously read.
I tried this techinqe starting out with Business entities. The reason I began with this topic is because it is first alphabetically in my Bar/bri materials. For anyone who has taken or studied for Florida, this is not a topic they have tested in the last 12-20 years as an essay topic. But, you can never be too careful. This techniqe has helped familiarize myself with possible issues as a pattern begins to emerge if you do enough of them. Also, the constant reading and subsequent writing of the rules has helped me to remember them much more than anything else I have done concerning my bar studies or law school for that matter.
In the past when practicing essays, I would read the information and hold my self to some fictitious honor code where I could not use an outline and where I had to remember what I just read without reference. Sure, it works, but not as well or as quickly as this new strategy seems to be working (at least in my case). I think it has a lot to do with my learning style. Good thing I finally seemed to have figured this out, although it has been 29 years in coming.
In fact, I might even incorporate this into my MBE studies. As of the moment, my MBE strategy is to do the problems under heightened time constratints, and to review the answers and explanations by typing them out on a google document. However, writing takes me longer but it may be more beneficial. It is something to consider, although it would cost me more time in reviewing if I do this way thus preventing me from being able to do more problems.
Wow, I am really excited. Maybe you can tell from the rambling I just did in this post. But, remember this. When it comes to studying, everyone seems to have a suggestion and they are almost all different. What works for one person may not work others. This tip is probably useless for some and great for others. So, I hope this will help someone as well as myself. Do what is best and most suited for you. Do whatever it takes to find out what that is.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The journey of 1,000 miles. . . .; Volunteering at the State Attorney's?
"The journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step." That is a quote attributed to Confucius, an ancient Chinese philosopher. It is very similar to a saying I like to use, "Success is achieved one increment at a time." I though I was being original and clever, but it seems Confucius beat me to the punch.
I pray my thousand mile journey (insofar as this exam is concerned) is near completion. I've been plugging away each day putting in 7-8 hour days as of now. I am focused and not as distracted as I have been recently. Hopefully, I am making a push for the last leg of this marathon.
A few weeks ago I went in to the office of the State attorney for the county in which I reside. Someone suggested I volunteer there so as not to continue wasting away in my home. Actually, many people have suggested this move to me over the past year and a half. I finally decided I should give it a go. I went in and filled out all of my paperwork and the director in charge of volunteers seemed really nice.
I was hesitant to go for a few reasons: for starters and most obviously, I don't have a license; secondly, I applied there for an internship previously but rejected it for a chance to intern for an appellate judge and I thought it might be a bit awkward asking the same lady for the same position which I previously accepted and subsequently turned down; and thirdly, I guess I have embarassment issues for this Bar exam scenario.
The county was recently on a hiring freeze. I assumed I would pass my bar exam and I would volunteer, instead as a licensed attorney. Many have told me this is a near surefire way to get a job (assuming you pass the bar exam of course). The logic behind this theory is if you volunteer, you get to know people and you get training and you will be handling actual cases. Thus, when an opening is presented the volunteer does not need to be trained and they are given preference when it comes to hiring new attorneys. This works well for both the state and public defenders, as I have been informed.
Anyways, I went in because I have nothing to lose really. I explained my situation and turned in my resume. The lady, with whom I spoke (the same one I spoke with a year or so ago) explained there was nothing to be ashamed about. This kind of stuff happens to many people. She told me of a prosecutor who passed on his fifth attempt. I took it all in. I didn't say much on the matter, but it was kind of her to try to encourage me (unfortunately at the expense of some of her employees or co-workers).
I initially was never the type of person who would ever consider working for the State Attorney's office. In fact, I was anti State attorney's. I had a disdain for police officers. I have had several traumatic experiences. I am no thug or criminal. I am the type of person who tries to stay low key. "Uneventful" is one of my favorite words. Anyways, I grew to abhor police officers and what I assumed they represented. It was for this reason I didn't want to be a State Attorney. I have recently grown out of this trend for various reasons. While police will never represent protection or heroism to me, I understand they have a job to do, one that is dangerous and taxing at that. Maybe I will post about this issue of police some other time. I could go on for hours.
Returning to the issue of the State attorney, there was something once said to me concerning the job of a state attorney which stuck. I was listening to a guest judge for a mock-trial practice. He was a prosecutor and he said [a prosecutor who does his job correctly is also a defender of the public]. He talked about a prosecutor's duty to investigate and using discretion in choosing cases. He also talked about how some try to abuse their power by putting "notches on their belts" or by taking cases to get "wins" under their belts regardless of whether they truly thought the person deserved to be tried. It was profound and these are words I will never forget as it caused me to look at prosecutors in a new light.
I was actually told to come back to the state attorney's in March after I take the exam. The director explained to me [If you come in now, you'll be hear for a month. Then you'll have to leave to study and leave for a month before you return. If you come here, you will work. I'll pair you up with an attorney, and you will be come very involved in case preparation. The attorney will come to rely on you heavily]. So for that reason she said it was probably best I come in after I take the exam. I agreed. I am looking forward to it.
P.S. an added benefit for those of you still studying for the bar is that a job with the Public Defender's, State Attorney's, Legal aid, etc. . . will help you get acquainted with criminal procedure, criminal law, evidence, civil procedure, etc. . . . depending of course on where you work/volunteer. This may help some of you to cement some of these concepts in your minds. Its food for thought.
I pray my thousand mile journey (insofar as this exam is concerned) is near completion. I've been plugging away each day putting in 7-8 hour days as of now. I am focused and not as distracted as I have been recently. Hopefully, I am making a push for the last leg of this marathon.
A few weeks ago I went in to the office of the State attorney for the county in which I reside. Someone suggested I volunteer there so as not to continue wasting away in my home. Actually, many people have suggested this move to me over the past year and a half. I finally decided I should give it a go. I went in and filled out all of my paperwork and the director in charge of volunteers seemed really nice.
I was hesitant to go for a few reasons: for starters and most obviously, I don't have a license; secondly, I applied there for an internship previously but rejected it for a chance to intern for an appellate judge and I thought it might be a bit awkward asking the same lady for the same position which I previously accepted and subsequently turned down; and thirdly, I guess I have embarassment issues for this Bar exam scenario.
The county was recently on a hiring freeze. I assumed I would pass my bar exam and I would volunteer, instead as a licensed attorney. Many have told me this is a near surefire way to get a job (assuming you pass the bar exam of course). The logic behind this theory is if you volunteer, you get to know people and you get training and you will be handling actual cases. Thus, when an opening is presented the volunteer does not need to be trained and they are given preference when it comes to hiring new attorneys. This works well for both the state and public defenders, as I have been informed.
Anyways, I went in because I have nothing to lose really. I explained my situation and turned in my resume. The lady, with whom I spoke (the same one I spoke with a year or so ago) explained there was nothing to be ashamed about. This kind of stuff happens to many people. She told me of a prosecutor who passed on his fifth attempt. I took it all in. I didn't say much on the matter, but it was kind of her to try to encourage me (unfortunately at the expense of some of her employees or co-workers).
I initially was never the type of person who would ever consider working for the State Attorney's office. In fact, I was anti State attorney's. I had a disdain for police officers. I have had several traumatic experiences. I am no thug or criminal. I am the type of person who tries to stay low key. "Uneventful" is one of my favorite words. Anyways, I grew to abhor police officers and what I assumed they represented. It was for this reason I didn't want to be a State Attorney. I have recently grown out of this trend for various reasons. While police will never represent protection or heroism to me, I understand they have a job to do, one that is dangerous and taxing at that. Maybe I will post about this issue of police some other time. I could go on for hours.
Returning to the issue of the State attorney, there was something once said to me concerning the job of a state attorney which stuck. I was listening to a guest judge for a mock-trial practice. He was a prosecutor and he said [a prosecutor who does his job correctly is also a defender of the public]. He talked about a prosecutor's duty to investigate and using discretion in choosing cases. He also talked about how some try to abuse their power by putting "notches on their belts" or by taking cases to get "wins" under their belts regardless of whether they truly thought the person deserved to be tried. It was profound and these are words I will never forget as it caused me to look at prosecutors in a new light.
I was actually told to come back to the state attorney's in March after I take the exam. The director explained to me [If you come in now, you'll be hear for a month. Then you'll have to leave to study and leave for a month before you return. If you come here, you will work. I'll pair you up with an attorney, and you will be come very involved in case preparation. The attorney will come to rely on you heavily]. So for that reason she said it was probably best I come in after I take the exam. I agreed. I am looking forward to it.
P.S. an added benefit for those of you still studying for the bar is that a job with the Public Defender's, State Attorney's, Legal aid, etc. . . will help you get acquainted with criminal procedure, criminal law, evidence, civil procedure, etc. . . . depending of course on where you work/volunteer. This may help some of you to cement some of these concepts in your minds. Its food for thought.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I refuse to be pathetic any longer. The countdown is on.
I've never had this problem before. I am usually like a basketball because I "bounce" right back from dissapointments. I don't know why this has been so hard. I have been through way more difficult situations life. Famlily deaths, poverty, family divorces, rejections, betrayals, embarassment, scores of faiulres, discrimination, heartache multiple times over, etc. . . In the grand scheme of things, this pales in comparison. But this one has felt like the most devastating for some reason and I really don't know why.
Over the past couple of months I have gone from moping, to complaining, to whining, to battling depression, to being anxious, to being fearful, to feeling scared, to feeling overwhelmed, to feeling helpless, to feeling despaired, to feeling angry, so on and so forth. I can't live like this. This is not life. This is death of my mind, body, and spirit. I barely recognize who I am anymore.
I stopped working out, I was eating junk, and I was watching tons of T.V. instead of reading. I stopped going out. I have been avoiding hanging out or even talking to friends for that matter. This scenario has robbed me of my personality. I seem to have lost my clarity, purpose, and determination. I lost my feistiness, my willingness to battle against all odds. I can't even recognize my conversations anymore. I used to be so positive, but now I don't even recognize my own words or lack thereof. My thoughtlife has taken a negative turn with the focus being me and this exam. That is plain self centered and egotistical.
This is flipping pathetic. I refuse to be like this any more. It has to change. I can't take the bar exam like this. I would be better off not even going because I would have already flunked myself with that mindframe. I have to fight. I refuse to go out like this. G-d forbid I am not capable. If that is the case then the situation will work itself out. But even so, I have to go out fighting.
I have to take a stand now. Time is short and it waits for no man. I've got give this thing a push for my sanity's sake, for my family's sake. Far worse off would I be if I gave this thing a minimalist effort.
In the time I have left, I vow to make every effort to work towards my goal for each remaining day I have. The fact I have put it in writing will make it binding. I have less than 3 months to do this. I must hit the proverbial "gas pedal." My effort is all I control at this point.
Over the past couple of months I have gone from moping, to complaining, to whining, to battling depression, to being anxious, to being fearful, to feeling scared, to feeling overwhelmed, to feeling helpless, to feeling despaired, to feeling angry, so on and so forth. I can't live like this. This is not life. This is death of my mind, body, and spirit. I barely recognize who I am anymore.
I stopped working out, I was eating junk, and I was watching tons of T.V. instead of reading. I stopped going out. I have been avoiding hanging out or even talking to friends for that matter. This scenario has robbed me of my personality. I seem to have lost my clarity, purpose, and determination. I lost my feistiness, my willingness to battle against all odds. I can't even recognize my conversations anymore. I used to be so positive, but now I don't even recognize my own words or lack thereof. My thoughtlife has taken a negative turn with the focus being me and this exam. That is plain self centered and egotistical.
This is flipping pathetic. I refuse to be like this any more. It has to change. I can't take the bar exam like this. I would be better off not even going because I would have already flunked myself with that mindframe. I have to fight. I refuse to go out like this. G-d forbid I am not capable. If that is the case then the situation will work itself out. But even so, I have to go out fighting.
I have to take a stand now. Time is short and it waits for no man. I've got give this thing a push for my sanity's sake, for my family's sake. Far worse off would I be if I gave this thing a minimalist effort.
In the time I have left, I vow to make every effort to work towards my goal for each remaining day I have. The fact I have put it in writing will make it binding. I have less than 3 months to do this. I must hit the proverbial "gas pedal." My effort is all I control at this point.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Do not be your own worst enemy; Petyon Manning's edge
I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine who just moved back in to town. One thing led to another then he asked what I needed to do to pass this test. I replied "I need a brain transplant." I have a tendancy to be pretty self-depricating. Maybe it is a defense mechanism to avoid the tension of serious issues. I am getting better in that department though. The older I grow the more I realize "less is more" when it comes to the quality of words. Yet, there were sometimes during this dilemma where I have seriously questioned whether or not I even possess average Intelligence.
Self Defeatism is the worst possible hindrance to achieving any goal. Nearly everyone has doubts at some point even about themselves. But if I don't believe in me, who else will? In fact, why should I expect anyone else to believe in me if I don't believe in myself?
What if Peyton Manning was in the Locker room thought about how he didn't want to play football and that he wasn't the best? What if he whined about it all day? What if he complained about how slow he is and how his team is not necessarily the most talented on either side of the ball? He wouldn't be who he is today? I am not colts fan, but I acknowledge Mr. Manning as a potential Hall of famer and possibly one of the best ever.
What sets Manning apart? It's not his arm. Sure it helps to have a rocket arm like he has. But, at least a dozen or more quarterbacks playing in the NFL have that. It is not his athleticism. While he has good foot work, his coordination is not the best or even really good for that matter. I would venture to say Manning is probably in the bottom third or at least half for athleticism at his position. The difference is his work ethic, which leads to his self confidence.
Manning is renowned for his work ethic. This gives him a mental edge and a competitive toughness. While I do believe most uber successful athletes probably have some form of OCD, Manning's work ethic is incomparable or so it is said. It is the stuff of legends. He believes in himself. Granted, he may have many advantages (like the wisdom of a hall of fame quarterback father) he was willing to make the most of them.
Anyway, my point is that Peyton Manning works hard and he believes in himself (or that is the wide perception). Most, if not all, successful people believe in themselves. Sometimes people get lucky and may strike success on accident, but that is rare. Manning already has enough detractors and adversaries on the field. He is not willing to be one himself.
As applied to this situation, so what if people look down on me? I haven't really noticed that. Even if I did notice people looking down on me, I refuse to associate myself with someone like that. I am a real person with real feelings. My friends are the same. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, but my friends all understand there are ups and downs to life.
Like Dan Gilbert said "You got to die before you go to Heaven." Point to people who haven't gone through adversity in life, and it is almost a sure bet the people you are pointing to will have little or no character. Suffering breeds character. Humilliation breeds humility. That is just the way it is, the way it's always been.
This whole thing is very draining emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I failed this test all my friends have passed. People are passing at a rate of nearly 80 % on the first try. Sometimes, this makes my heartache; other days it causes me to get super frustrated; and yet other days I just wonder "what's wrong with me?" I can't dwell on this or it will be the death of me (on the inside).
I am a fighter through and through. I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and attack them head on. I am not helpless. None of us are. I will see this thing out no matter what it takes. I just keep telling myself "I can do this." Why? Because I know I can. I have come moderately close before, so I know I can do this. So when I start to feel anxiety, depression, or frustration I keep telling myself "I know I can pass."
I have to say my studying has been easier as of late. I have come to terms with my situation. I need to stay out of my own way. I was getting in my own way by focusing on everything that is wrong. That's usually what so called realists/pessimists call reality. How far will that take me though? Nowhere. Even if I had an answer to such a question, I don't suspect it would change much of anything. Hope will take me much further than doubt ever can. It might not take me all the way, but it is a start.
Self Defeatism is the worst possible hindrance to achieving any goal. Nearly everyone has doubts at some point even about themselves. But if I don't believe in me, who else will? In fact, why should I expect anyone else to believe in me if I don't believe in myself?
What if Peyton Manning was in the Locker room thought about how he didn't want to play football and that he wasn't the best? What if he whined about it all day? What if he complained about how slow he is and how his team is not necessarily the most talented on either side of the ball? He wouldn't be who he is today? I am not colts fan, but I acknowledge Mr. Manning as a potential Hall of famer and possibly one of the best ever.
What sets Manning apart? It's not his arm. Sure it helps to have a rocket arm like he has. But, at least a dozen or more quarterbacks playing in the NFL have that. It is not his athleticism. While he has good foot work, his coordination is not the best or even really good for that matter. I would venture to say Manning is probably in the bottom third or at least half for athleticism at his position. The difference is his work ethic, which leads to his self confidence.
Manning is renowned for his work ethic. This gives him a mental edge and a competitive toughness. While I do believe most uber successful athletes probably have some form of OCD, Manning's work ethic is incomparable or so it is said. It is the stuff of legends. He believes in himself. Granted, he may have many advantages (like the wisdom of a hall of fame quarterback father) he was willing to make the most of them.
Anyway, my point is that Peyton Manning works hard and he believes in himself (or that is the wide perception). Most, if not all, successful people believe in themselves. Sometimes people get lucky and may strike success on accident, but that is rare. Manning already has enough detractors and adversaries on the field. He is not willing to be one himself.
As applied to this situation, so what if people look down on me? I haven't really noticed that. Even if I did notice people looking down on me, I refuse to associate myself with someone like that. I am a real person with real feelings. My friends are the same. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, but my friends all understand there are ups and downs to life.
Like Dan Gilbert said "You got to die before you go to Heaven." Point to people who haven't gone through adversity in life, and it is almost a sure bet the people you are pointing to will have little or no character. Suffering breeds character. Humilliation breeds humility. That is just the way it is, the way it's always been.
This whole thing is very draining emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I failed this test all my friends have passed. People are passing at a rate of nearly 80 % on the first try. Sometimes, this makes my heartache; other days it causes me to get super frustrated; and yet other days I just wonder "what's wrong with me?" I can't dwell on this or it will be the death of me (on the inside).
I am a fighter through and through. I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and attack them head on. I am not helpless. None of us are. I will see this thing out no matter what it takes. I just keep telling myself "I can do this." Why? Because I know I can. I have come moderately close before, so I know I can do this. So when I start to feel anxiety, depression, or frustration I keep telling myself "I know I can pass."
I have to say my studying has been easier as of late. I have come to terms with my situation. I need to stay out of my own way. I was getting in my own way by focusing on everything that is wrong. That's usually what so called realists/pessimists call reality. How far will that take me though? Nowhere. Even if I had an answer to such a question, I don't suspect it would change much of anything. Hope will take me much further than doubt ever can. It might not take me all the way, but it is a start.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Failing the Bar Exam by 40 points then passing
I came across this post on the studyfor.com bar exam forum. It is very inspirational. The initial poster is asking if he/she is an idiot because they failed the bar exam. The next poster responded by giving an account by another bar taker. Here it is:
This examinee seems to be referring to scaled points as opposed to raw points. The perseverance is admirable. This person just attacked their studies with intensity. This kind of turn around for a self studier is astounding. I hope this will help someone out, because it has done so for me.
[Post Title by Initial Poster] "I failed my Ohio Bar, am I an idiot?"
Initial Poster: I hear people failing CA bar and NY bar all the time, but I failed Ohio bar exam!!!! what should I do?
Responder: no, you are not
here is a nice failing story I read online by an anonymous
i would like to let everyone know whose failed the bar exam by more than 40 points that it's still possible to pass. let me explain.
i failed the july '06 ohio bar exam by just more than 40 points (see my post, OH! in ohio, on 10/30/06). having failed by so much, and knowing that i would only have 6 weeks to study the second time around, i figured i was doomed. i realized that i had to make dramatic changes to my study approach before tackling the bar again.
i started by telling my employer that i absolutely needed 6 weeks to study. my employer understood, and i then purchased the barbri home-study course along with thousands of blank notecards.
i formed and stuck by a very regimented study plan for those 6 weeks. i would from 7:30-11:30, take a 1.5 hour break for working out and lunch, study from 1-6, take and hour dinner, and then study from 7 to 9. i kept this routine every day (no kidding!) for the entire 6 weeks.
as for the nitty gritty details of studying, i started by making outlines for every subject tested. i only watched dvd lectures for those subjects which i hadn't taken in law school (5 of them) or had bombed royally on the july exam.
after about 1.5 weeks of making outlines, i would do 100 mbe questions each morning and then thoroughly review the ones i missed. in the afternoon, i would make flashcards based off of my outlines and then memorize the law the rest of the day. i repeated this cycle until there were about 2.5 weeks until the exam.
with about 2.5 weeks remaining, i continued with 100 mbe questions in the mornings. in the afternoons, i would do about 6-10 practice essays. in the evening, i would review my flashcards.
i continued this cycle until the weekend prior to the bar, when i then spent 3 days practicing MPTs.
i actually ended up getting sick the night before the bar exam and for the duration of the test. i just powered through the exam, though, motivated by fear, anxiety, whatever.
when the exam was finished, i felt much better than i did in july, but still no certain that i passed. well, just three days ago, i learned that i passed by a whopping 3.5 points! it turns out that i bombed the mbe (a 131) but did well on the written portions.
in hindsight, i feel the most helpful component of my studying was the flashcards. when i was writing the essays, i had the black letter at the tip of fingers and scribbled out everything i knew, even if i didn't know the exact rule the answer was looking for. i just tried to show the examiners that i knew the buzz words, the general concepts, etc.
so, i really want to first say how grateful i am for this blog. i've read it regularly since taking the bar in february, and have found much comfort and reassurance in doing so.
i really think the key to passing the bar is simply putting in the time, staying focused, and keeping a positive attitude. i don't think i need to tell everyone what a giant relief it is to finally have passed this hurdle. know that if you stay focused, persistent, and optimistic, you will pass the bar.
best to everyone!!
This examinee seems to be referring to scaled points as opposed to raw points. The perseverance is admirable. This person just attacked their studies with intensity. This kind of turn around for a self studier is astounding. I hope this will help someone out, because it has done so for me.
Re-motivated
I have been suffering from a loss of motivation. But, I have regained some perspective and motivation. My family believes in me and is supporting me all the way. I haven't really been able to appreciate it until now.
My family is pretty large, and one or several of my family member offer me encouraging words everyday. I haven't really been willing to listen. What really made this set in was this car I have and a credit card bill. I have a car I bought a few months ago and it was in the shop getting repaired. I also had a pretty large credit card bill.
My economic situation is to the point where I had to leave the car at the mechanics because I was short on cash. The credit card bill was also rather mountainous. My family helped me to handle both of these things. I didn't deserve it. I didn't ask for. I'm nowhere near perfect. Despite any of that, they love me, believe in me, and support me (even when my self belief was waning).
I have to make the most of this opportunity. Yes, the opportunity still exists. I don't want to let them down by giving a porous effort. I have to fight and If I go down again, that is the only way I will go down. If nothing else, I am a fighter and have been all of my life. It is the only way I know how to conduct myself. I owe them some much thanks and gratitude. To them, I am truly indebted.
My family is pretty large, and one or several of my family member offer me encouraging words everyday. I haven't really been willing to listen. What really made this set in was this car I have and a credit card bill. I have a car I bought a few months ago and it was in the shop getting repaired. I also had a pretty large credit card bill.
My economic situation is to the point where I had to leave the car at the mechanics because I was short on cash. The credit card bill was also rather mountainous. My family helped me to handle both of these things. I didn't deserve it. I didn't ask for. I'm nowhere near perfect. Despite any of that, they love me, believe in me, and support me (even when my self belief was waning).
I have to make the most of this opportunity. Yes, the opportunity still exists. I don't want to let them down by giving a porous effort. I have to fight and If I go down again, that is the only way I will go down. If nothing else, I am a fighter and have been all of my life. It is the only way I know how to conduct myself. I owe them some much thanks and gratitude. To them, I am truly indebted.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
5 Stages of Death and the Bar Exam
How is that for a dramatic title? I love the show "House: M.D." The main character, Dr. House, discussed this particular phrase during an episode. I don't quite recall who or why he was using it. The phrase is also know as the five stages of grief; the five stages of loss; or the Kübler-Ross model. It is a pretty well known concept. What well known thing would be complete without a Wikipedia page?
The five stages of death progresses in this order:
Here are some specific examples of how I went through the stages:
Denial?
I guess the denial came into play when I got the failure letters. Both times, I quintuple-checked my applicant number to see if it correctly matched the failing results released on the computer. I was even praying my results on the computer were incorrect, and that somehow I would get a passing grade via mail.
Anger?
I was mad at was myself. The first time, I was so mad I wasted time attending all those Bar/bri lectures. It was poor usage of time for me as learning goes. Many of my friends felt the same way about the lectures. The difference is, they had the courage to stop going and they passed. I beat myself up figuratively for not being smart enough, not pulling all nighters, et cetera. I complained about all the money I spent on hotels, gas, food and the likes. I didn't mean to complain really. I know some of that is incidental and unavoidable.
Bargaining?
I begged G-d to cut me some slack and to free me from the bondage of Murphy's law. I am not quite sure he heard that. I'm still waiting. In fact, it seems like I've been waiting all my life for that one.
Depression
That's easy. This scenario has turned out to be the Bar Exam version of "Groundhog's day" with Bill Murray. I have been reading the same books, answering the same problems or types of problems, and going to the same places to study. I have been having the same conversations about the same subjects. I have heard the same awkward pleasantries, cliches, and trite phrases from the same sets of people now for the past year now. The difference is that it is a lot harder to remeber why I am doing this as each day passes. Motivation is easy lose when life keeps throwing the same right hand upper-cut; breaking the same nose in the same spot; and stabbing the brain with that same exact nose bone.
Acceptance
I think I hit acceptance today or at some recent point. It just comes eventually. It is that point where you pick yourself up by the "boot straps" so to speak and you prepare yourself to try again. Even if I don't know what the future holds, I know what my past tells me. My past tells me I am a fighter and I will not give up with out a fight.
My mother told me she has never seen me so disappointed over something for such a long period of time. She is right. To give you a general idea, I used to be the ever-optimist. I am usually the one my friends, acquaintances, and peers turn to when they are looking for words of encouragement. But, I haven't been that person for quite some time now.
Where did I go wrong? I never properly grieved. I let the bar exam consume me. It has changed who I am as of late. It has stolen the joy from my life, or what semblance of a life I had. All I do is study, and when I don't study I think about how I should be studying. I have been fairly depressed for a long time.
I can't let this thing, this ordeal, control my life. It isn't worth it to me. I'll do what I can within reason, but not if it is a cause for me to lose my self. I have suffered so many doubts and set backs this past couple of months. I need to stop talking about making a move, and just do it. This is a far cry from the younger man who would count his blessings every day he got out of bed to attend law classes during the first semester of law school. I don't know if I'll ever be him again, but I at least need to hit a middle ground. We all have blessings to count, just ask those people in Haiti suffering from an outbreak of Cholera.
The five stages of death progresses in this order:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Here are some specific examples of how I went through the stages:
Denial?
I guess the denial came into play when I got the failure letters. Both times, I quintuple-checked my applicant number to see if it correctly matched the failing results released on the computer. I was even praying my results on the computer were incorrect, and that somehow I would get a passing grade via mail.
Anger?
I was mad at was myself. The first time, I was so mad I wasted time attending all those Bar/bri lectures. It was poor usage of time for me as learning goes. Many of my friends felt the same way about the lectures. The difference is, they had the courage to stop going and they passed. I beat myself up figuratively for not being smart enough, not pulling all nighters, et cetera. I complained about all the money I spent on hotels, gas, food and the likes. I didn't mean to complain really. I know some of that is incidental and unavoidable.
Bargaining?
I begged G-d to cut me some slack and to free me from the bondage of Murphy's law. I am not quite sure he heard that. I'm still waiting. In fact, it seems like I've been waiting all my life for that one.
Depression
That's easy. This scenario has turned out to be the Bar Exam version of "Groundhog's day" with Bill Murray. I have been reading the same books, answering the same problems or types of problems, and going to the same places to study. I have been having the same conversations about the same subjects. I have heard the same awkward pleasantries, cliches, and trite phrases from the same sets of people now for the past year now. The difference is that it is a lot harder to remeber why I am doing this as each day passes. Motivation is easy lose when life keeps throwing the same right hand upper-cut; breaking the same nose in the same spot; and stabbing the brain with that same exact nose bone.
Acceptance
I think I hit acceptance today or at some recent point. It just comes eventually. It is that point where you pick yourself up by the "boot straps" so to speak and you prepare yourself to try again. Even if I don't know what the future holds, I know what my past tells me. My past tells me I am a fighter and I will not give up with out a fight.
My mother told me she has never seen me so disappointed over something for such a long period of time. She is right. To give you a general idea, I used to be the ever-optimist. I am usually the one my friends, acquaintances, and peers turn to when they are looking for words of encouragement. But, I haven't been that person for quite some time now.
Where did I go wrong? I never properly grieved. I let the bar exam consume me. It has changed who I am as of late. It has stolen the joy from my life, or what semblance of a life I had. All I do is study, and when I don't study I think about how I should be studying. I have been fairly depressed for a long time.
I can't let this thing, this ordeal, control my life. It isn't worth it to me. I'll do what I can within reason, but not if it is a cause for me to lose my self. I have suffered so many doubts and set backs this past couple of months. I need to stop talking about making a move, and just do it. This is a far cry from the younger man who would count his blessings every day he got out of bed to attend law classes during the first semester of law school. I don't know if I'll ever be him again, but I at least need to hit a middle ground. We all have blessings to count, just ask those people in Haiti suffering from an outbreak of Cholera.
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