I refuse to be pathetic any longer. The countdown is on.

      I've never had this problem before.  I am usually like a basketball because I "bounce" right back from dissapointments. I don't know why this has been so hard.  I have been through way more difficult situations  life.  Famlily deaths, poverty, family divorces, rejections, betrayals, embarassment, scores of faiulres, discrimination, heartache multiple times over, etc. . . In the grand scheme of things, this pales in comparison.  But this one has felt like the most devastating for some reason and I really don't know why.

      Over the past couple of months I have gone from moping, to complaining, to whining, to battling depression, to being anxious, to being fearful, to feeling scared, to feeling overwhelmed, to feeling helpless, to feeling despaired, to feeling angry, so on and so forth.  I can't live like this.  This is not life.  This is death of my mind, body, and spirit.  I barely recognize who I am anymore. 

     I stopped working out, I was eating junk, and I was watching tons of T.V. instead of reading.  I stopped going out.  I have been avoiding hanging out or even talking to friends for that matter.  This scenario has robbed me of my personality.  I seem to have lost my clarity, purpose, and determination.  I lost my feistiness, my willingness to battle against all odds.  I can't even recognize my conversations anymore.  I used to be so positive, but now I don't even recognize my own words or lack thereof.  My thoughtlife has taken a negative turn with the focus being me and this exam.  That is plain self centered and egotistical.

      This is flipping pathetic.  I refuse to be like this any more.  It has to change.  I can't take the bar exam like this.  I would be better off not even going because I would have already flunked myself with that mindframe.  I have to fight.  I refuse to go out like this.  G-d forbid I am not capable.  If that is the case then the situation will work itself out.  But even so, I have to go out fighting.

      I have to take a stand now.  Time is short and it waits for no man.  I've got give this thing a push for my sanity's sake, for my family's sake.   Far worse off would I be if I gave this thing a minimalist effort. 

      In the time I have left,  I vow to make every effort to work towards my goal for each remaining day I have.  The fact I have put it in writing will make it binding.  I have less than 3 months to do this.  I must hit the proverbial "gas pedal."  My effort is all I control at this point.