I refuse to be pathetic any longer. The countdown is on.

      I've never had this problem before.  I am usually like a basketball because I "bounce" right back from dissapointments. I don't know why this has been so hard.  I have been through way more difficult situations  life.  Famlily deaths, poverty, family divorces, rejections, betrayals, embarassment, scores of faiulres, discrimination, heartache multiple times over, etc. . . In the grand scheme of things, this pales in comparison.  But this one has felt like the most devastating for some reason and I really don't know why.

      Over the past couple of months I have gone from moping, to complaining, to whining, to battling depression, to being anxious, to being fearful, to feeling scared, to feeling overwhelmed, to feeling helpless, to feeling despaired, to feeling angry, so on and so forth.  I can't live like this.  This is not life.  This is death of my mind, body, and spirit.  I barely recognize who I am anymore. 

     I stopped working out, I was eating junk, and I was watching tons of T.V. instead of reading.  I stopped going out.  I have been avoiding hanging out or even talking to friends for that matter.  This scenario has robbed me of my personality.  I seem to have lost my clarity, purpose, and determination.  I lost my feistiness, my willingness to battle against all odds.  I can't even recognize my conversations anymore.  I used to be so positive, but now I don't even recognize my own words or lack thereof.  My thoughtlife has taken a negative turn with the focus being me and this exam.  That is plain self centered and egotistical.

      This is flipping pathetic.  I refuse to be like this any more.  It has to change.  I can't take the bar exam like this.  I would be better off not even going because I would have already flunked myself with that mindframe.  I have to fight.  I refuse to go out like this.  G-d forbid I am not capable.  If that is the case then the situation will work itself out.  But even so, I have to go out fighting.

      I have to take a stand now.  Time is short and it waits for no man.  I've got give this thing a push for my sanity's sake, for my family's sake.   Far worse off would I be if I gave this thing a minimalist effort. 

      In the time I have left,  I vow to make every effort to work towards my goal for each remaining day I have.  The fact I have put it in writing will make it binding.  I have less than 3 months to do this.  I must hit the proverbial "gas pedal."  My effort is all I control at this point.

Do not be your own worst enemy; Petyon Manning's edge

     I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine who just moved back in to town.  One thing led to another then he asked what I needed to do to pass this test. I replied "I need a brain transplant."  I have a tendancy to be pretty self-depricating.  Maybe it is a defense mechanism to avoid the tension of serious issues.  I am getting better in that department though.  The older I grow the more I realize "less is more" when it comes to the quality of words.  Yet, there were sometimes during this dilemma where I have seriously questioned whether or not I even possess average Intelligence.

     Self Defeatism is the worst possible hindrance to achieving any goal.  Nearly everyone has doubts at some point even about themselves.  But if I don't believe in me, who else will? In fact, why should I expect anyone else to believe in me if I don't believe in myself? 

     What if Peyton Manning was in the Locker room thought about how he didn't want to play football and that he wasn't the best? What if he whined about it all day?  What if he complained about how slow he is and how his team is not necessarily the most talented on either side of the ball?  He wouldn't be who he is today?  I am not colts fan, but I acknowledge Mr. Manning as a potential Hall of famer and possibly one of the best ever.

    What sets Manning apart? It's not his arm.  Sure it helps to have a rocket arm like he has. But, at least a dozen or more quarterbacks playing in the NFL have that.  It is not his athleticism.  While he has good foot work, his coordination is not the best or even really good for that matter.  I would venture to say Manning is probably in the bottom third or at least half for athleticism at his position.  The difference is his work ethic, which leads to his self confidence.

   Manning is renowned for his work ethic.  This gives him a mental edge and a competitive toughness.  While I do believe most uber successful athletes probably have some form of OCD, Manning's work ethic is incomparable or so it is said.  It is the stuff of legends.  He believes in himself.  Granted, he may have many advantages (like the wisdom of a hall of fame quarterback father) he was willing to make the most of them. 

     Anyway, my point is that Peyton Manning works hard and he believes in himself (or that is the wide perception).  Most, if not all, successful people believe in themselves.  Sometimes people get lucky and may strike success on accident, but that is rare.  Manning already has enough detractors and adversaries on the field.  He is not willing to  be one himself.

     As applied to this situation, so what if people look down on me?  I haven't really noticed that.  Even if I did notice people looking down on me, I refuse to associate myself with someone like that.  I am a real person with real feelings.  My friends are the same.  I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, but my friends all understand there are ups and downs to life. 

     Like Dan Gilbert said "You got to die before you go to Heaven."  Point to people who haven't gone through adversity in life, and it is almost a sure bet the people you are pointing to will have little or no character.  Suffering breeds character.  Humilliation breeds humility.  That is just the way it is, the way it's always been.

      This whole thing is very draining emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I failed this test all my friends have passed. People are passing at a rate of nearly 80 % on the first try. Sometimes, this makes my heartache; other days it causes me to get super frustrated; and yet other days I just wonder "what's wrong with me?" I can't dwell on this or it will be the death of me (on the inside).



    I am a fighter through and through. I have to acknowledge my weaknesses and attack them head on. I am not helpless. None of us are. I will see this thing out no matter what it takes. I just keep telling myself "I can do this." Why? Because I know I can.  I have come moderately close before, so I know I can do this. So when I start to feel anxiety, depression, or frustration I keep telling myself "I know I can pass."
   
     I have to say my studying has been easier as of late.  I have come to terms with my situation.  I need to stay out of my own way.  I was getting in my own way by focusing on everything that is wrong.  That's usually what so called realists/pessimists call reality.  How far will that take me though? Nowhere.  Even if I had an answer to such a question, I don't suspect it would change much of anything.  Hope will take me much further than doubt ever can.  It might not take me all the way, but it is a start.

Failing the Bar Exam by 40 points then passing

     I came across this post on the studyfor.com bar exam forum.  It is very inspirational.  The initial poster is asking if he/she is an idiot because they failed the bar exam.  The next poster responded by giving an account by another bar taker.  Here it is:

[Post Title by Initial Poster] "I failed my Ohio Bar, am I an idiot?"

Initial Poster: I hear people failing CA bar and NY bar all the time, but I failed Ohio bar exam!!!! what should I do?


Responder: no, you are not


here is a nice failing story I read online by an anonymous

i would like to let everyone know whose failed the bar exam by more than 40 points that it's still possible to pass. let me explain.

i failed the july '06 ohio bar exam by just more than 40 points (see my post, OH! in ohio, on 10/30/06). having failed by so much, and knowing that i would only have 6 weeks to study the second time around, i figured i was doomed. i realized that i had to make dramatic changes to my study approach before tackling the bar again.

i started by telling my employer that i absolutely needed 6 weeks to study. my employer understood, and i then purchased the barbri home-study course along with thousands of blank notecards.

i formed and stuck by a very regimented study plan for those 6 weeks. i would from 7:30-11:30, take a 1.5 hour break for working out and lunch, study from 1-6, take and hour dinner, and then study from 7 to 9. i kept this routine every day (no kidding!) for the entire 6 weeks.

as for the nitty gritty details of studying, i started by making outlines for every subject tested. i only watched dvd lectures for those subjects which i hadn't taken in law school (5 of them) or had bombed royally on the july exam.

after about 1.5 weeks of making outlines, i would do 100 mbe questions each morning and then thoroughly review the ones i missed. in the afternoon, i would make flashcards based off of my outlines and then memorize the law the rest of the day. i repeated this cycle until there were about 2.5 weeks until the exam.

with about 2.5 weeks remaining, i continued with 100 mbe questions in the mornings. in the afternoons, i would do about 6-10 practice essays. in the evening, i would review my flashcards.

i continued this cycle until the weekend prior to the bar, when i then spent 3 days practicing MPTs.

i actually ended up getting sick the night before the bar exam and for the duration of the test. i just powered through the exam, though, motivated by fear, anxiety, whatever.

when the exam was finished, i felt much better than i did in july, but still no certain that i passed. well, just three days ago, i learned that i passed by a whopping 3.5 points! it turns out that i bombed the mbe (a 131) but did well on the written portions.

in hindsight, i feel the most helpful component of my studying was the flashcards. when i was writing the essays, i had the black letter at the tip of fingers and scribbled out everything i knew, even if i didn't know the exact rule the answer was looking for. i just tried to show the examiners that i knew the buzz words, the general concepts, etc.

so, i really want to first say how grateful i am for this blog. i've read it regularly since taking the bar in february, and have found much comfort and reassurance in doing so.

i really think the key to passing the bar is simply putting in the time, staying focused, and keeping a positive attitude. i don't think i need to tell everyone what a giant relief it is to finally have passed this hurdle. know that if you stay focused, persistent, and optimistic, you will pass the bar.

best to everyone!!

     This examinee seems to be referring to scaled points as opposed to raw points. The perseverance is admirable.  This person just attacked their studies with intensity.  This kind of turn around for a self studier is astounding.  I hope this will help someone out, because it has done so for me.

Re-motivated

     I have been suffering from a loss of motivation.  But, I have regained some perspective and motivation. My family believes in me and is supporting me all the way.  I haven't really been able to appreciate it until now.

     My family is pretty large, and one or several of my family member offer me encouraging words everyday. I haven't really been willing to listen. What really made this set in was this car I have and a credit card bill.  I have a car I bought a few months ago and it was in the shop getting repaired. I also had a pretty large credit card bill. 

    My economic situation is to the point where I had to leave the car at the mechanics because I was short on cash.  The credit card bill was also rather mountainous.  My family helped me to handle both of these things.  I didn't deserve it. I didn't ask for. I'm nowhere near perfect. Despite any of that, they love me, believe in me, and support me (even when my self belief was waning).

     I have to make the most of this opportunity.  Yes, the opportunity still exists. I don't want to let them down by giving a porous effort.  I have to fight and If I go down again, that is the only way I will go down. If nothing else, I am a fighter and have been all of my life.  It is the only way I know how to conduct myself.  I owe them some much thanks and gratitude.  To them, I am truly indebted.

5 Stages of Death and the Bar Exam

     How is that for a dramatic title?  I love the show "House: M.D."  The main character, Dr. House, discussed this particular phrase during an episode.  I don't quite recall who or why he was using it.  The phrase is also know as the five stages of grief; the five stages of loss; or the Kübler-Ross model.  It is a pretty well known concept.  What well known thing would be complete without a Wikipedia page? 

     The five stages of death progresses in this order:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining 
4. Depression 
5. Acceptance

     I have been thinking about the five stages of death and how it relates to the bar exam.  I believe I have gone through a similar progression each time I failed the Bar exam and during other times in my life. It is okay to grieve. It is a natural human emotion. By no means do I aspire to a philosophy of Stoicism. I need to process and deal with things properly, instead of hiding them away until they eventually boil over. But that does not mean I seek confrontation.

   Here are some specific examples of how I went through the stages:



Denial?

     I guess the denial came into play when I got the failure letters.  Both times, I quintuple-checked my applicant number to see if it correctly matched the failing results released on the computer.  I was even praying my results on the computer were incorrect, and that somehow I would get a passing grade via mail.

     Anger?
    
     I was mad at was myself.  The first time, I was so mad I wasted time attending all those Bar/bri lectures.  It was poor usage of time for me as learning goes.  Many of my friends felt the same way about the lectures.  The difference is, they had the courage to stop going and they passed.  I beat myself up figuratively for not being smart enough, not pulling all nighters, et cetera. I complained about all the money I spent on hotels, gas, food and the likes.  I didn't mean to complain really. I know some of that is incidental and unavoidable.

    Bargaining? 

     I begged G-d to cut me some slack and to free me from the bondage of Murphy's law.  I am not quite sure he heard that.  I'm still waiting.  In fact, it seems like I've been waiting all my life for that one.

    Depression

     That's easy.  This scenario has turned out to be the Bar Exam version of "Groundhog's day" with Bill Murray.  I have been reading the same books, answering the same problems or types of problems, and going to the same places to study.  I have been having the same conversations about the same subjects.  I have heard the same awkward pleasantries, cliches, and trite phrases from the same sets of people now for the past year now.  The difference is that it is a lot harder to remeber why I am doing this as each day passes.  Motivation is easy lose when life keeps throwing the same right hand upper-cut; breaking the same nose in the same spot; and stabbing the brain with that same exact nose bone.

     Acceptance

    I think I hit acceptance today or at some recent point.  It just comes eventually.  It is that point where you pick yourself up by the "boot straps" so to speak and you prepare yourself to try again.  Even if I don't know what the future holds, I know what my past tells me.  My past tells me I am a fighter and I will not give up with out a fight.
    My mother told me she has never seen me so disappointed over something for such a long period of time.  She is right.  To give you a general idea, I used to be the ever-optimist.  I am usually the one my friends, acquaintances, and peers turn to when they are looking for words of encouragement.  But, I haven't been that person for quite some time now.

     Where did I go wrong?  I never properly grieved. I let the bar exam consume me.  It has changed who I am as of late.  It has stolen the joy from my life, or what semblance of a life I had.  All I do is study, and when I don't study I think about how I should be studying.  I have been fairly depressed for a long time.

     I can't let this thing, this ordeal, control my life.  It isn't worth it to me.  I'll do what I can within reason, but not if it is a cause for me to lose my self.  I have suffered so many doubts and set backs this past couple of months.  I need to stop talking about making a move, and just do it.  This is a far cry from the younger man who would count his blessings every day he got out of bed to attend law classes during the first semester of law school. I don't know if I'll ever be him again, but I at least need to hit a middle ground.  We all have blessings to count, just ask those people in Haiti suffering from an outbreak of Cholera.

Never be afraid to ask for help. Be resourceful.

      I have never considered myself to be a prideful person.  I need help to pass the bar exam, so I am willing to do whatever I must within reason of course.  I contaced an old dean of mine from the Law School I attended. She is a member of the board of bar examiners and an exam guru of sorts. I scanned and emailed her my essays from the first bar exam I failed.

     Those essay are not my finest, so I can't say I was thrilled to e-mail them to her.  But, if it will help then it will be worth any embarassment or criticism I will have to take.  Several of my friends attributed their passing solely to her tutelage. She is a very meticulous and formulaic person who was built for rules, codes and all things academic.  I had her for 3 lectures, so I know first hand.

      Being resourceful is a great attribute.  As a repeater, it may be a great idea to contact old professors, deans, and/or classmates. Several of my classmates, have offered me their updated bar materials at no charge (probably out of pity, but I will still take it).  A Judicial assistant I interned for has offered to help me with essays.  And now, the dean is offering me suggestions as well.  But I never would have known unless I asked.

      I'm not generally in the habit of asking for help.  However, my friend painted the scenario for me in this light.  My law schools has an interest in me passing the exam because it is a reflection on them of a sort (his words, not mine).  As a repeater I certainly have an interest in passing to commence a legal career and to possibly support my law schools as an alumnus.  So it is a win-win for all involved.   I don't want to make the mistake of thinking "nobody cares."  There is help available.  I just have to be willing to seek it and accept it.

Virtue of Failure

     I received a phone call from a relative minutes ago.  He is attempting to get into "Top" schools for an M.B.A.  He has taken the G.R.E. several times and he has competitive scores, but he is seeking to get "surefire" scores, the 90th percentile kind.  He said something interesting.  He needs to do this because this will ensure he is ready for the next couple of years.  I assumed he meant taking the test or receiving the desired test score.

     I curiously replied, "[s]o you think a test will tell you all of that?" My relative responded saying, "[w]ell, not so much the test but the preparation for the test.  If I can do this properly, I will be ready for the next couple of years." I thought about my situation in light of what he said.  This is undoubtedly the most difficult academic endeavor I have had to face.  I have failed miserably. However, if I can get through this, I will be better off for it.  If I don't, I will still be better off either way as long as I can extract the value from my limitations and experiences.